


eXperiment Aradia Continuation

by AceyEnn, FailureArtist



Category: Homestuck
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe, Hacking, Hivebent, Memory, Moirallegiance, Multi, Other, Philosophy, Politics, Psychology, bloodswap
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2011-03-22
Updated: 2011-11-17
Packaged: 2017-10-17 05:07:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 26
Words: 52,846
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/173215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AceyEnn/pseuds/AceyEnn, https://archiveofourown.org/users/FailureArtist/pseuds/FailureArtist
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>I asked myself what would happen if Sollux was in charge of resurrecting Aradia. Several sprite edits later, this happened. Originally posted on googleDocs (http://tinyurl.com/aradialain), but I've decided to import it to here.</p><p>11/17/11: Now dead, but I've decided to drag the corpse around for everyone to see.</p><p>9/6/16: currently formatting it</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The Past is...

Your name is SOLLUX CAPTOR. You plan to be GOD.

To achieve this goal you have learned all the codes. ALL OF THEM. Every computer on Alternia, every computer in the Trollian Empire, even the computers made by the races trolls haven’t conquered yet, you can BEND THEM TO YOUR WILL. You can see the Internets. ALL OF THEM. You have reached the GOD TIER OF HACKERS. Having achieved success in the world of technology, you now seek to HACK THE UNIVERSE.

You have turned from studying the world of technology to studying the inner world of trolldom and the distant world of history and pre-history. In the first quest your moirail has been a surprising help. In the second quest you have enlisted the help of an amateur archaeologist. Though you previously dismissed the ancients as foolish, ignorant, superstitious, and lacking in good taste, you have discovered things about them that have made you change your mind. You have discovered A GAME.

With this game you can transform the world. No more will there be confining blood castes, oppressive political order, meaningless empire building, violent romance, mindless babble, or any of the other various evils that plague trolldom. There will be no pain, disease, or injury. There will be no suffering. There will be no bodies. Everyone will be happy, or else. And when this paradise comes, everyone will turn to you and sing your praises evermore. 

For now you have to deal with this arrogant archaeologist who doesn’t do anything near singing your praise. She only grudgingly showed you her artifacts, as if she could have done anything but displayed them in her hovel without you. She’s just a shade above culling and yet she acts like she is higher on the hemospectrum than you, not that you follow such an outdated thing. She is incredibly psychically gifted, a trait the ignorant would call mutant. She is gifted in other ways as well. By that you mean she is poised and graceful, of course. This just makes her willfulness more annoying. But you can deal with her. You are meeting her this morning at a dayclub called MU. It is a strange place to meet but due to the ownership it is a good place for different bloods to fraternize. You plan to discuss some elements of your project. You are absolutely sure there will be no problems. She will see things your way and do as she is told. You are on a direct course to GODHOOD.  
  
You h4ve m4de A horrible mixt4ke.   


You...feel invisible...all over. That is not good.  


Who is she? Another mistake.

You must take care of this. No one must remember.

[](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_T939PEPZZt8w_2DqGKRfxooiSmVgd4d4lGv12tzCpg/edit?hl=en&authkey=CNaMubMO)  
  
  



	2. Nepeta Quest 2011

    A young troll stands in her respiteblock. She will be six solar sweeps old on the 12th bilunar perigree of the 6th dark season’s equinox, but that isn’t for a few nights. For now, she has special plans for this night. Tonight she is going out and...actually she can’t remember what she was planning to do tonight. Weird. She does remember her name, of course.  
  
No, that’s not it!  
  
That’s better!  


Your name is NEPETA LEIJON. You are a perfectly ordinary troll girl with no horrible secrets. You have interests, hobbies, and ambitions like any other troll.

You have a great interest in movies. You are always HUNTING FOR A GOOD MOVIE. You EXTREMELY CRITICAL OF CINEMA and like to rip so-called masterpieces to shreds. The movies you do like are considered A BIT ODD. You track CELEBRITY CULTURE and love to know WHO’S IN WHO’S QUADRANT. You write creepy stories about these REAL LIFE TROLLS.

You also try your hand at PHOTOGRAPHY, even though you are NOTORIOUSLY PRETTY AWFUL AT IT. Your picture look like they were taken from the sun. You say that’s just your ARTISTIC STYLE but no one believes that.

You have a moirail who is as BLOODY-MINDED ORTHODOX as you are FREE-SPIRITED HETERODOX, or at least try to be. This is not unusual and is in fact how MOIRAILS SHOULD BE. He keeps you grounded, you keep him from being ground. 

You like using the new chat program Trollian. Your trolltag is auditoriumCrucifier and you talk  “as if you were writing a movie blurb” ac raves! 

What will you do?

> Check out DVD   


You are so glad this show finally came out on DVD. You love [troll Mary Tyler Moore]! Now she can make the world tremble with a smile! In this classic series she plays a young quadrant-empty female troll who works at a telegranda studio. The perky green blood may be unappreciated at her job, but she can cut that blue blood Baxter down to size! Literally.

Because of her example, you want to work in TELEGRANDA when you mature. You practice your diction for hours, even though you probably look SILLY AND SAD sitting around saying tongue twisters.

>Use computer  
  
You go to the celebrity bog you write for. You look at pictures of actress and judge from the bumps in their torsos whether they have chestburster. The sluts.

No, nothing special planned tonight for the bog. Must be something else.  

> Troll moirail  


auditoriumCrucifier [aC] began trolling  cubistTentacles [cT]

AC: ac raves “Good...evening!”  
CT: ~> evening?  
CT: ~> it is almost midnight  
CT: ~> you should wake up earlier or you’ll miss the whole night  
AC: ac raves “Just started trolling...already nagged!”  
AC: “But tonight is going to be...four stars!”  
CT: ~> why? what is happening?  
AC: “...thought you would know.”  
CT: ~> why would I know?  
AC: ac raves “Maybe tonight’s show features cubistTentacles (Equius Zahhak)?”  
AC: “New [troll Indiana Jones] movie is coming out tonight...you really like those movies, right?”  
CT: ~> no.  
AC: “...oh.”  
CT: ~> maybe you were planning on going with someone else?  
CT: ~> yes, you were planning to go with someone else  
AC: “Who?”  
AC: “Well...?”  
CT: ~> i can’t remember  
AC: ac raves “Two thumbs down!”  
AC: “Well...it probably wasn’t anything important.”  
CT: ~> i still hate forgetting  
CT: ~> this is such a terrible fuck  
AC: ac raves “Stop cursing!”  
CT: ~> why? i am only a yellow bl00d  
CT: ~> i do not need to watch my language  
AC: “cubistTentacles’ efforts at authentic language are ...hammish and awkward.”  
CT: ~> i like to think my efforts amuse the higher bl00ds  
CT: ~> i think you should do the same as well  
AC: ac raves “...my goal in life is...to entertain blue bloods by acting like a braindead yokel!”  
CT: ~> you should also avoid using sarcasm like that among them  
CT: ~> it might cause mistakes  
AC: ac asks the viewers, “Is Equius Zahhak saying that the higher bloods are too stupid to get simple sarcasm?”  
CT: ~> um  
CT: ~> you are misquoting me  
CT: ~> i would never call even the most mentally challenged high blood f00lish  
CT: ~> that would be a most...a most indecent fuck  
CT: ~> i need to wet down my hair it has become most unmanageable  
AC: “[laugh track]”

auditoriumCrucifier [aC] has ceased trolling  cubistTentacles [cT]

Just as you stop talking to one friend, another one pops up.

cattleCalmer [cC] began trolling  auditoriumCrucifier [aC]

CC: I’m so ---EXCIT-----ED!  
AC: ac raves “Act your character name and calm down!”  
AC: “cattleCalmer (Feferi Peixes) just pitched a D into the boom mike!”  
AC: “...teamsters will be pissed!”  
CC: I can’t ‘elp it I’m so ---EXCITED!  
CC: I finally went to MOO yesterday.  
AC: “...mean MU, right?”  
CC: Rig’t!  
AC: ac raves “Puns are confusing!”  
AC: “...but really, you finally went?”  
AC: “You’ve been talking about it...for perigrees...”  
AC: “...But you kept saying “No I’m too low blood...t’ere are too many aristocrats...I can’t dance t’at great...my clot’es smell like ‘oofbeast even after was’ing t’em...”  
CC: O’ stop it beef-ore I go back in time and stop myself from going!!!  
AC: “...sorry!”  
AC: ac asks the viewers “how did cattleCalmer’s day go?”  
CC: It was great but  
CC: It was a blur!!!  
AC: “...know you hang out with hoofbeast tranquilizer all night but...you don’t use it, right?”  
CC: NOOO!!! MOO!!!  
CC: It’s just I as excited!!!  
CC: And scared!!!  
CC: And I got a bit lost but  
CC: But t’ings turned out fine!  
AC: “Did you met the DJ?”  
CC: O’ wow like I could met wit’ suc’ royalty!  
CC: Actually I don’t t’ink I even saw ‘im.  
CC: But I did met t’is really great guy!!!  
AC: “Spoil me!”  
CC: Well, ‘e’s a very nice cow-balt gentletroll.  
AC: “Plot hole!”  
AC: “...nice blue bloods do not exist!”  
CC: W’at is your problem wit’ blue bloods?  
AC: “What is your lack of problem with blue bloods?”  
AC: “I...never met a blue blood...I didn’t want to cull!”  
AC: ac rates blue bloods “four stars out of four in douchebaggery.”  
AC: “...sure bet to sweep the Douchebag Oskars!”  
CC: You ‘ate every blood ‘igher t’an  
>CC: w’atever blood you got.  
AC: “Mystery blood, cattleCalmer (Feferi Peixes).”  
AC: “...no I don’t hate them all.”  
AC: “And don’t say hate, that makes it sound like I want to get into biting makeouts with every troll who has a drop of cyan.”  
AC: “It’s just I’ve never met a blue blood who didn’t think their load gaper smelled of candy.”  
CC: Well ‘e is nice!  
CC: ‘e was so cow-cerned for me.  
CC: I t’ink ‘e pitied me a bit >/:)  
CC: ‘e walked me ‘ome in t’e grazing sun.  
CC: And ‘e gave me some clot’es w’en mine were rumen-ed.  
AC: “Boxoffice Boffo!”  
AC: “...updating my shipping now!”  
CC: It wasn’t like t’at!!!  
CC: I just spilled somet’ing on it.  
CC: Or I accidentally went to t’e underwater part of t’e club.  
CC: It’s probably not’ing important.  
AC: “So who plays this mysterious suitor?”  
CC: I’m not telling >/;)  
CC: You’ll just write one of your creepy stories about us!!!  
AC: ac raves “...only write them about celebrities!”  
AC: “Anyway, I could just call him Insufferable Prick in my story...which I’m totally not going to write!”  
CC: ‘a‘a! Moo!  
CC: Got to go, got t’ings to do!!!  
AC: “Fin!”

cattleCalmer [cC] has ceased trolling  auditoriumCrucifier [aC]

Ahh, a romantic if extremely dangerous sunlight walk. You can imagine it...incredibly well. Kind of creepy.

You decide to go on a walk yourself. First you must arm yourself. Your lusus, Mr. Grant, would be so annoyed if you went outside without your scissors.  


You leave your cozy townhive and enter the streets of the City. You walk around for a bit, collecting your thoughts. You love living in the City. Everything is so convenient. There is so much culture. The marauding musclebeasts are better behaved.  


You look up into the sky. Light pollution is unheard of on Alternia, so you can see everything clearly. The twin moons shine down.

>indulge in soliloquy

Your life now is painfully boring. You don’t know what the future brings. Though you have dreams of celebrity, it seems more and more likely every night that you’ll end up in some menial job, either in the bureaucracy or as cannon fodder, and that’s if you aren’t culled for your mysterious blood. You aren’t really good at anything but complaining. There isn’t much hope that anything great will happen to you. Soon you will be six sweeps, and that sweep with past like all the rest. You will watch incomprehensible movies, bog enviously about those that have made it, and generally be a useless piece of shit all night. Such is life. You just wish you could go on, like, a quest or something.  


Is there someone behind you?  


Oh, must be imagining things.

Well, time to get back to your hive. You sure hope you aren’t forgetting anything important.  


[](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_T939PEPZZt8w_2DqGKRfxooiSmVgd4d4lGv12tzCpg/edit?hl=en&authkey=CNaMubMO)


	3. Hungry

> be someone else  


Your name isAradia Megido

Your name is 

 

Your name is A̴̻̝̯̖ͪ̍͊̅̈ͫ͐̎̇̒̄̀ͭR̽̐̎̽͏̭͖̻̦͉̳̥̰̣̺̤͘̕A̴͙̖̹̫͚̹̦ͮ̂̆̆̐͂̂͟D̛̛̳̰̠̝̓͌͆̓̽I̷̢̡̛͒̆͒̾͋̄́͂ͯ͏͍̜̗͕̺̖͕̦͇̩͙̲̘̞͕̟ͅA̷̸͙̫̬͙̣͕̙̯̬̘͚͙͉͇̗͙̹͒ͫ̇̑ͫ͆ͩ͂ͪ́̊̏̂̕͘͢ ̲͓̺͈̯̪̹̺̜̼̥̐̊ͤ̃͐̔̀͞M̢̜̱̻͍̱̦̘̝̠̞͐̓̔͛̂ͤ̅ͨͯͫ̆̏͐͘ͅE̴͈͙͉̮̞̥͙̙̻͉͎ͫ̇̾ͥ̇̅͒͋̐̄͐G̋ͯ̈̋͏̨͓͉̪̥̭̱̝̠̼̜͉̰̮͈͇̱I̲̦̗͔͈̼̰͉̱͇͍ͮ̀̋ͯ̋͒̏ͣ͑ͮ͛͆ͨͪ́̕D̸̛͖̜͉̲̤̘̠͚̝͍̘͎ͦ̅͆̅́͜O̷ͤ͆̈́̽͊̽̈͆ͯ̈́ͦͪ̄̀͑ͯ̀̕҉̗̬̫͔̲̞̳̲͓̞͉͔̭͟ͅ 

 

No you don’t exist. You never existed. Does anyone remember you existing? No? Well, that settles it.  


No, you do exist. You don’t care if you’ve been erased from everyone’s mind. You are a real troll. You were hatched like any other troll. You had a lusus. You had interests and hobbies and ambitions. They may not matter to you now in the state you’re in, but they still exist. 

You have a handle on this. You have a handle online. Your trolltag is apocalypseArisen and you speak  in an 0ff manner. 

[](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_T939PEPZZt8w_2DqGKRfxooiSmVgd4d4lGv12tzCpg/edit?hl=en&authkey=CNaMubMO)


	4. Best made plans

> be Insufferable Prick  


Oh dear Future You, you have really done it. You have really annihilated things now. You sit on one of the four floors of your penthive, collecting your thoughts. You have so many thoughts and they must be collected carefully. You feel like you can’t do anything else right now.

Some people say you have bipolar depression. Well, your moirail says you have bipolar depression, everyone else just calls you a psycho. You’ve never given this diagnosis much credence. You have no mental problems. You certainly don’t have depression. You feel gre4t! 4ll the time! Ye4444h!!!! You c4n conquer the world!!!! You are starting to think maybe they are right.

You have also realized that you died back there in MU. You have no idea how that happened, but it seems you got better. You aren’t a ghost now. You are as shamefully tangible as ever. Did that ridiculous code you ran really work? It couldn't have worked. Where did the body come from? Well, if it’s possible to rewrite everyone’s memories, shouldn’t you be able to torrent life, so to speak?

You still can’t believe you managed to not only rewrite the witness’s memory, but also the memories of everyone who knew the victim. Even her matesprit has forgotten her! You’ve committed the perfect crime.

Except you’d rather you never committed the crime. You _need_ her. You need her to finish the game. You have not finished translation. She knows the ancient runes better than anyone else alive. Well, maybe she knows more now that she can network with the ancients directly. You hate to admit it but you are ignorant on the subject of ancient languages. The sneaky bitch kept you as ignorant as possible, not telling you the locations of the ruins. You need her artifacts like she needs your coding expertise. You will also need her as a player. You must find some method of resurrection, and it’s too late to use the same one you used.  


Oh, great, she’s calling you. Why’d you give her your trolltag? You don’t even like Trollian. Well, maybe she can be useful to you. She has an obvious love-crush on you. She can perform some errands for you. Plus, you do have to keep her quiet.  


Your trolltag in  tangibleAnnihilation and you have  4 x4melessly m4c4bre w4y of spe4king.  

[ ](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_T939PEPZZt8w_2DqGKRfxooiSmVgd4d4lGv12tzCpg/edit?hl=en&authkey=CNaMubMO)


	5. Helpless Dancer

> go to a more interesting time

> be the witness

Witness to what?

Your name is FEFERI PEIXES. You live on a FARM BY THE SEA where you TAKE CARE OF SICK AND INJURIED ANIMALS. You wish you could do the same for trolls. Medical care on Alternia is so primitive, plus there is that whole horrible culling business. It’s a shame how trolls treat one another.

You spend a lot of time WORKING ON THE FARM, but in your free time you like to DANCE AND PARTY. You are actually QUITE A GOOD DANCER but you are A BIT SHY. You are just a LOWLY BROWN BLOOD, after all. 

Being so lowly, you are captivated by the GLAMOUR OF ROYALTY. You love reading HISTORIES AND LEGENDS OF PRINCES AND PRINCESSES. You love to watch and rewatch ROYAL MATESPIRITSHIP CEREMONIES. If only you had purple blood, you could make everyone be nice to each other. 

Your trolltag is  cattleCalmer and you  mooove t’ings along wit’ an -----EXCIT----ED pitc’fork.

> Answer Blue Blooded Gentleman

Oh, your blue blooded gentleman! How your bladder flutters when you talk to him. Tonight is a special night for you two.

tangibleAnnhilation [TA] began trolling cattleCalmer[CC]

TA: You 4re prep4red four tonight 4m I correct?  
CC: Rig’t!!!  
TA: I repe4t: you must be discreet in this visit since there 4re m4ny high bloods who look down on such fr4terniz4tion.  
TA: I find this 4ttitude 4bhor4nt but I do not h4ve the power to ch4nge this.  
CC: It’s all bull!!!  
CC: ‘ig’ bloods s’ouldn’t treat low bloods like fertilizer!!!  
CC: I wis’ I ‘ad ‘igher blood!  
TA: There 4re 4dv4nt4ges the so c4lled lower bloods h4ve over higher bloods.  
TA: Though some foolix trolls s4y mut4tion in 4 b4d w4y I believe th4t psychic 4bilities were the gre4test evolution4ry step four trollkind.   
TA: I im4gine you must h4ve gre4t powers coursing through your mixed red-yellow veins.  
CC: I can cow-mune wit’ animals!  
TA: I guess th4t’s gre4t.  
TA: Yes good four you my de4r Fefe.  
CC: T’ank you!!!  
TA: So you remember 4ll the rules I l4id out four you?  
CC: Yes, use t’e back door, don’t talk to anyone, don’t bring any cellp’ones, cameras, or personal communication devices, I know.  
TA: You h4ve looked 4t my list of b& items right?  
CC: Yes, even thoug’ I could never afford some of t’ose t’ings!  
CC: You really like making lists, don’t you?  
TA: You insisted on visiting me you must 4bide by my rules.   
CC: Just seems like you ‘ave an offal lot of rules!  
TA: Spe4king of lists you xould re4d this list of items I w4nt you to bring four tonight.  
\--- tangibleAnnihilation [TA] sent cattleCalmer[CC] the file “Four Fefe to Bring.doc”  
CC: Oh moo!!! I’ll open it rig’t away!!!  
CC: Okay, I guess you want me to bring these electronic devices instead.  
TA: 4ll turned off 4nd de4ctiv4ted I did write th4t on the list.  
TA: I’ll reimburse four the expense.  
CC: W’y do you need a bag of lime?  
TA: It will be so lovely to see you ag4in my de4r.  
CC: I’m so ‘appy you’re ‘appy!!!  
CC: You often seem so cold to me.  
TA: I do c4re.  
TA: Otherwise I wouldn’t 4llow you into my hive.  
TA: I’m 4 very priv4te troll.  
CC: I’m glad you’re letting me into your private life.  
TA: Yes.  
TA: I suppose I 4m.  
TA: I x4ll see you in 4 hours.  
CC: Gouda bye!!! >/:)  
TA: F4rewell.

tangibleAnnihilation[TA]  has ceased trolling cattleCalmer[CC]  


Hmm, seems you have a new email.

From:apocalypseArisen@

To: cattleCalmer@grubmail.com

Subject: hell0

hell0, i am aradia medig0. i am 0kay, even th0ugh i’m dead. s0mething bad happened t0 me but it’s n0t imp0rtant. i just want t0 say i exist.

l0ve,

aA 0_0

Holy cow!  


You need a better spam filter.

  


[   
](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_T939PEPZZt8w_2DqGKRfxooiSmVgd4d4lGv12tzCpg/edit?hl=en&authkey=CNaMubMO)

 


	6. Hard-Boiled Mystery

> be someone with a STRONG spam filter

Your name is EQUIUS ZAHHAK. You love being PSYCHICALLY STRONG!

You are so strong you often accidently BREAK COMPUTERS with your psychic energy. As a result you have become VERY GOOD AT FIXING COMPUTERS, though you usually just BREAK THEM AGAIN. It makes you so angry sometimes, but that’s just the price you pay for being a MUTANT-BRAINED YELLOW BLOOD. 

You BELIEVE STRONGLY in the blood caste system. Trolls with higher blood than you are just ALL AROUND BETTER TROLLS. It pains you when they DON’T ACT LIKE IT. Since you are so low on the spectrum, you cannot directly criticize them, so you act PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE AS FUCK. As a result, many of them think you are a HUGE PUTZ.

Though you are a low blood, you enjoy the FINE ART OF MUSCLEBEAST PAINTING, even though all you can afford are prints. Your taste in art, however, runs more MODERN.

Your trolltag is  cubistTentacles and     you send out your messages  ~> with a sm00th psychic beam.   


And you just got an email from a dead girl.

> troll your moirail about this

cubistTentacles [ CT ] has begun trolling auditoriumCrucifer [ AC ]

CT: ~> i just received an email from a deceased troll who seems to know me.   
AC: ac raves “Yes...everyone has.”   
AC: “Nothing to do...with your mutant brain.”   
CT: ~> yes i did find it strange that i would receive a ghostly message in such a clear and ordinary form.   
CT: ~> usually the recently deceased just scream in my head.   
CT: ~> you say everyone got it?   
AC: ac raves “...a lot of trolls have...know CC and AT have...bog posts up about this Aradia Megido character...”   
CT: ~> hmmm i don’t think you should fraternize with at but that’s besides the point.   
CT: ~> why would someone send out a mass email pretending to be a dead girl?   
AC: “...it’s a creepynoodle.”    
CT: ~> creepyn00dle?   
AC: “...a creepy story like...”   


CT: ~> …   
AC: “...that’s a parody one, of course.”   
AC: ac raves “But they are just that dumb.”   
AC: “...Always using ‘spirit photography’...”   
CT: ~> but images of ghosts can’t be captured via electronic means.   
AC: ac raves “Bravo! ...smarter than most trolls on the Internet!”   
CT: ~> except the ones with higher bl00d than me, of course.   
AC: “Double exposure...dust orbs...blotches on the negative...”   
AC: “I’ve made millions of ‘spirit photographs’!”   
CT: ~> by accident, you mean.   
AC: “...also interference from PSIONICS can cause those stupid images.”   
AC: ac raves “...plus with digital manipulation so many fakes are possible.”   
AC: “Always check the EXGIF data.”   
CT: ~> fascinating.   
CT: ~> i have been f00lish.   
CT: ~> this email was probably just some sad and silly attempt at scaring trolls.   
AC: “...surprised you hadn’t...heard of this stuff before.”   
CT: ~> i spend my time on the internet doing more important things than watching videos of trolls lip syncing into their hairbrushes.   
CT: ~> but yes, i have been very gullible.   
AC: “Best idea:...just forget this one.”   
CT: ~> yet i just can’t escape the feeling i know this aradia megido.   
AC: “‘Psychic troll girl gets thrown down well by lusus and takes revenge via a slightly antiquated method of visual data recording...’”   
CT: ~> huh?   
AC: “I think the main character in that...was Aradia Medigo.”   
CT: ~> so the email is that creatively bankrupt.   
AC: “No...wait...made a bomb there...character’s name is Sdaako.”   
AC: “She’s from...’Male troll kills female matespirit, young male moirail, and a cat in misguided jealous fit, they come back to haunt next owners of hive, 444 scary cat noises...’”   
CT: ~> i don’t think the name aradia megido was from a movie.   
AC: “Wrong again...it’s ‘Trollian Armada comes to destroy creepy pink bitch whose been spamming their fleet with copies of an alien movie called ‘Pootie Tang’, 256 fart jokes, 3 scenes involving comedic amounts of genetic material, 413 references to embezzlement ...”   
AC: “...it’s a really gross movie.”    
AC: “No that’s still not it...what’s wrong with me...forgetting movies like this...”   
CT: ~> while you were babbling about movies i tried to trace where the email came from.   
AC: ac raves “...some jerk?”   
CT: ~> i failed completely.   
CT: ~> this email may have come from the ground itself for all i know.   
CT: ~> this is such a great mystery.   
AC: ac raves “Did someone say MYSTERY?”   
CT: ~> oh no nepeta.   
AC: “There are many mysteries in this great big City and I don’t have enough juniper-infused intoxicating beverage to get through them all. Ironically it’s these mysteries that keep me stocked in the first place.”   
AC: “I’m a MYSTERY MONGER. It’s my job, and it’s my calling.”   
CT: ~> you’re really going to do this film blanc thing, aren’t you?   
AC: “It’s a balmy light season morning when this tall glass of water psionically floats into my office.”   
AC: “And by tall I mean this guy looks like a sopored glassblower tried to make a tom collins glass. Kid needed to do a push-up sometime.”   
CT: ~> high level psionics don’t need muscle.   
CT: ~> and you could stand to lose some weight.   
AC: “He says he’s looking for a dame. I tell him so am I, if he finds a good one send her my way.”   
CT: ~> i’m leaving now.

cubistTentacles [ CT ] has ceased trolling auditoriumCrucifer [ AC ]

AC: “He says this dame is dead, I tell him I’m not a gravedigger and that he should go to Madam Bogovick’s next door for a sexy card reading.”   
AC: “But something in those strangely kind red-and-blue eyes makes me pity him.”   
AC: ac raves “Hey! ...this is good stuff here!”

You look at the email again. While your moirail was doing the Film Blanc thing, you looked up those bog posts on the Aradia Megido email. Your email was different from the one everyone else received.   


In your email Aradia said she loved you.

[](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_T939PEPZZt8w_2DqGKRfxooiSmVgd4d4lGv12tzCpg/edit?hl=en&authkey=CNaMubMO)

 


	7. A visit with Sollux Captor

> go forward exactly 2 hours and sixteen minutes   


> be mysterious troll in black standing outside Sollux Captor’s hive   


You can’t be the mysterious troll in black standing outside Sollux Captor’s hive! He’s just too mysterious. Who is this guy? What’s his name? No one knows his name. He’s not in any database. He just manages to show up in the right places. Is he just an urban legend? Some sopor slime hallucination? Or maybe he’s just the greatest secret agent Alternia has even known?

No, you can’t possibly be as cool as him. You would need twenty million...   


A GIRL IS PRETTY   
  
Umm, yeah.   


Let’s just be this girl instead.

Your trip here was uneventful. You did not talk to anyone. You managed to get into the building through the fire exit without setting off the alarm, as Sollux promised. You did not go into the lobbifoyer where the door drones might see you. You did not bring your sad little pay-as-you-go cellphone and there is nothing magnetic on your person. This cloak-and-dagger thing is all very romantic. Romantic and not creepy and annoying.

You ignore the troll in black and knock on the door. Sollux Captor opens the door and impatiently motions you in. When you enter his hive he immediately shuts the door behind you.   


TA: No one s4w you did they?   
TA: You didn’t t4lk to 4 troll in forest green did you?   
CC: Noooo...   
CC: Well, t’ere was t’is moo-ysterious troll in black outside your ‘ive!   
TA: Troll in bl4ck?   
TA: 4lmost everyone we4rs bl4ck.   
CC: Sorry, I mean ‘e was wearing a black suit wit’ a cerulean wavy symbol on it.   
TA: Oh. Him.   
TA: I suppose there’s no getting rid of him.   
TA: Just be c4reful 4round him.   
TA: He h4s psychic powers.   
CC: But ‘e’s a blue blood!!   
TA: I know.   
CC: W’o is ‘e anyway?   
TA: Just some tool if you’ll p4rdon my langu4ge.

You look around the place.

CC: Nice place, is it gnu?   
TA: No I’ve lived here 4ll my life.   
CC: It still looks great t’en.   
CC: Well, I’m so ‘appy you don’t ‘ave any musclebeasts paintings!   
TA: I t4ke it you don’t like them?   
CC: Moo, yes!   
CC: T’ey are so anatomically inaccurate!!   
TA: I find the subject m4tter dist4steful myself.   
CC: Yes, but, um...   
  
  
CC: W’y don’t you ‘ave any decorations? Or furniture?   
TA: This is just the first floor.   
TA: I h4ve 4n ottom4n...oh w4it I got rid of th4t l4st sweep.   
TA: Ottom4ns 4re just 4 mist4ke.   
CC: T’is place doesn’t seem very ‘ivey.   
TA: Fefe m4teri4l goods just distr4ct us from our higher purpose.   
TA: Now did you get the items I 4sked four?   
CC: I got some of t’em but I couldn’t get everyt’ing.   
CC: I ‘ad to pay w’at I got wit’ credit and I don’t like doin t’at.   
CC: Just a moment ‘ere, I’m no good wit’ my sylladex.   


TA: I suppose this will do.   
TA: I me4n I 4m very gr4teful to you my de4r four your help.   
CC: You’re welcome!!!   
TA: Let me give you wh4t I owe you.   
CC: It’s not’ing, your graditude is all...   
CC: Well actually I would like t’e money.   
TA: Is c4x 4ll right?   
CC: Sure!!   


CC: I was expecting a c’eck but, um, t’anks!!!   
TA: I h4ve some things I w4nt to xow you.

Sollux walks up the steps and you innocently follow him. He turns around. Apparently, he did not expect you to follow.

CC: I’ll go back downstairs if...   
TA: No it’s ok4y I wouldn’t w4nt you st4nding 4lone in my house without me being there to supervise you.   
TA: Just don’t go to floors two or three or look 4t them.   
TA: Or touch 4nything without my permission.   
TA: & you h4ven’t been t4king 4ny pictures h4ve you?   
CC: No!! I don’t ‘ave a camera, you silly calf!   
TA: Right.

You go to the fourth floor, where his respiteblock is located. Wow, you can’t believe you’re in his respiteblock!!!   


His respiteblock is also kind of creepy.

TA: 4lso don’t touch the w4lls or the doorknobs.   
CC: You don’t ‘ave many guests, do you?   
TA: I h4d 4 feeling th4t you might like this thing I 4m giving to you.   
CC: A moo-sic box!!! ‘ow lovely!!!!   
TA: Just between you & me don’t tell 4nyone I g4ve it to you 4s th4t would be unfortun4te.   
CC: I’ll say it’s from a secret 4dmirer.   
TA: 4ctu4lly it would be best if you didn’t s4y 4nything 4t 4ll ever.   
CC: Okay...   
CC: Yes, t’at is very ro-moo-n-tic!!!   
TA: Yes, my de4r.   
TA: I 4lso h4ve some clothes four you to we4r.   
CC: O’ moo clot’es for me to wear!!!!   
CC: ‘mmm, socks.   
CC: Moo! Decorated socks! T’ank you!!!   
TA: I hope the socks don’t bre4k 4ny sumptuary laws.   
CC: T’e stripes are close enoug’ to my color!   
CC: Besides, t’ey’ll be underneat’ my skirt!!   
CC: On my bare legs!!!!   
CC: You want to see me wear t’em?   
TA: No I’m positive they’re one size fits 4ll.   
TA: I h4ve more stuff four you if you just w4it here four 4 moment.   
CC: Is t’at your lusus?   
TA: Oh, 4urthour.   
TA: He’s 4lw4ys st4ring.   
TA: If he offers you 4ny “milk” don’t t4ke it it will only m4ke you sick.   
CC: Aurt’our?   


TA: How’d it get out?   
TA: Th4t isn’t him th4t’s the lusus of 4nother troll I’m t4king c4re of.   
CC: W’y is s’e wearing a moo-zzle?   
TA: Xe needs to be reh4bilit4ted 4fter witnessing 4...tr4um4.   
CC: O’ t’e poor little calf!!! Let me ‘elp it.

> Help poor little calf   
  


> Mooooo!!!!!!!!   


Yeah, let’s leave them alone for a moment.

> briefly be mysterious troll in black   


For the first and only time you wish Captor’s Anti-Psychic Jamming Box worked better. You aren’t quite sure what just happened, but it HAPPENED.

Oh, and you already said we couldn’t be you, so knock it off.

> cut back to Feferi and Sollux   


CC: O’ mooo!!!!   
CC: T’at was my first kiss!!!   
TA: Mine too.   
CC: Does t’is mean we’re moo-atesprits?!   
TA: I guess it does.   
CC: Mooo mooo mooo!!!   
TA: Could you ple4se stop mooing?   
CC: I’m sorry I can’t ‘elp it w’en I’m excited!!!   
TA: Yes, I c4n see th4t you 4re very blushed four me.   
TA: 4bout our rel4tionxip...   
CC: Yes?   
TA: I would prefer it if you did not tell 4nyone.   
TA: Wh4t with the 4fourmentioned c4ste divide & 4ll.   
CC: O’ t’at stupid caste system!!!   
CC: I ‘ate it!   
TA: One d4y I swe4r none of us will c4re 4bout blood.   
TA: I will m4ke th4t come true.   
CC: I ‘ope you do!   
CC: I put my trust in you.   
TA: But keep everything on the down low four now.   
TA: & since we 4re still so young I hope you do not expect 4ny physic4l 4ctivities between us.   
CC: O’ I would never t’ink of pailing with you before we matured!   
TA: This 4lso includes the 4ct th4t just occurred between us.   
CC: …   
CC: Um, yes, we s’ould save t’at for t’e matesprit ceremony!   
TA: & s4ving the ceremony for 4fter I’ve 4nnil4ted 4ll prejudice.   
CC: T’at seems like I’ll take a long time but...   
CC: Okay, we can do t’at!   
TA: Four now I’d like some time 4lone.   
CC: W’at about t’e ot’er t’ings you were going to give me?   
TA: I’ll m4il it to you.   
CC: Do you know my address?   
TA: I h4ve been to your hive before remember?   
CC: W’at about the postal code?   
TA: I’ll look it up.   
CC: Cud-n’t you just give it to me now?   
TA: Would you just GO?   
TA: My de4r m4tesprit Fefe?   
CC: Okay, my little calf!!! Moo!

You leave the hive happy if a little confused. Your new matesprit can be so loving one moment and yet so cold the next. Well, hopefully you can change that. 

Oh, that troll in black is still there. What is his deal? He starts to talk to you in a weird accent.   


CA: you have a good timme with mmr. captor inn there?   
CC: I’m not suppose to talk to you.   
CA: he told you that?   
CC: W’at are you doing ‘ere anyway?   
CA: innvestigatin   
CC: Investigating w’at?   
CA: sommethinng happenned at mmu four days ago while a sollux captor was there   
CA: you were there too werennt you?   
CC: Yes, t’at’s w’ere I first met him.   
CC: W’at of it?   
CA: annd nnothin else innterestin happenned?   
CC: I went into t’e wrong room.   
CC: I spilled somet’ing on my clot’es.   
CA: really   
CC: W’y am I telling you t’is?   
CC: Are you messing wit’ my mind?   
CA: nno but i thinnk sommeonne else is   
CA: donnt you finnd it strannge that you cannt recall mmore fromm such ann immportannt day?   
CC: No, I find you strange.   
CC: Now c’ese off!   


Actually, you do find it a little strange that you don’t remember much from the best day in your life. But it’s probably nothing important, right?   


  
[   
Start Over   
](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_T939PEPZZt8w_2DqGKRfxooiSmVgd4d4lGv12tzCpg/edit?hl=en&authkey=CNaMubMO)


	8. Transmission Party

> be Nepeta   


> investigate

You’re doing that already, jeeze!

Seems this hive was destroyed recently. The vines have not overtaken it yet. There is only one floor but you can tell there used to be more. The load bearing walls are damaged and the whole thing is likely to collapse at any moment. You don’t see any signs of a normal fire. It was probably destroyed in some sort of explosion.

> search soil

You bend down and take a sample of soil. Hmmmm.....yes, hmmmm....   


You know nothing about forensics and have only succeeded in getting your hands dirty.

So this is suppose to be where Aradia Megido “lived”. Seeing this place just makes you more worried for your moirail.

> context, please!   


\-- cubistTentacles [ CT ] began trolling auditoriumCrucifer [ AC ] --

CT: ~> i found it.   
AC: “Context, please!”   
CT: ~> oh i’m so very sorry.   
CT: ~> i mean i found where aradia megido lives.   
CT: ~> lived.   
AC: ac raves “You’re still on that?”   
CT: ~> the email only came out last night.   
AC: ac raves “A lot can happen...in 24 hours.”   
AC: “So...now...there’s a haunted hive...in this creepynoodle?”   
AC: “Such a clichéd...revision to the original story.”   
CT: ~> it’s not part of the creepyn00dle or whatever the fuck.   
CT: ~> a source told me i might find more information on aradia megido if i visited this site right outside the city.   
AC: “A...source?”   
AC: ac asks the viewers “Was it one of the recently deceased?”   
CT: ~> no, it was not a ghost.   
CT: ~> or maybe it was a ghost.   
CT: ~> the message was a bit ghostly.   
CT: ~> i suddenly understand shit jack about ghosts.   
AC: “Did it give...a name?”   
CT: ~> he just told me i could think of him as Mr. Green.   
CT: ~> green is a good color.   
AC: “...keep that in mind.”   
AC: “So, where is this hive?”   
CT: ~> about four miles southwest of the city.   
CT: ~> wait i forbid you from going there.   
AC: “Why?”   
CT: ~> there are pits around it and it’s structurally unsound.   
CT: ~> it has been destroyed.   
AC: ac raves!   
AC: “...being featured with the hive of a victim of extreme culling...should be missed!”   
AC: “cubistTentacles (Equius Zahhak) will get culled himself!”   
CT: ~> i can take care of myself.   
CT: ~> i am PSYCHICALLY STRONG!   
AC: “...won’t matter against an army of drones!”   
AC: “Besides...your character trait is STRONG OBEDIENCE!”   
CT: ~> nepeta you’re being f00lish.   
AC: “I forbid YOU from going there.”   
CT: ~> you can’t do that.   
CT: ~> i’m the senior moirail.   
CT: ~> besides i already went over there and found it totally empty.   
AC: “An empty hive...?”   
AC: “...I’m scared for you.”   
AC: “...everything’s too creepy.”   
CT: ~> are you afraid of ghosts?   
AC: “...afraid of cullers!”   
AC: “This is a half-star..world for gutter-blood punks like us.”   
AC: “That’s why I wear gray...to hide my mystery blood.”   
CT: ~> your orange bl00d, you mean.   
AC: “For trolls like us...one wrong move...and you’ll never eat lunch in this City again!”   
CT: ~> i’ll protect you, my moirail.   
AC: “Plot hole!”   
AC: “Who will protect you!”

    So because you were afraid your moirail would get culled while trying to investigate a stupid creepypasta, you’ve decided to investigate a stupid creepypasta. Yeah, that character motivation makes a lot of sense. auditoriumCrucifer (Nepeta Leijon), there’s a difference between playing an ingenue and playing an idiot: twenty pounds!

  
    Now that you’re here you’ve seen there isn’t much to investigate. You’ve already done all you can. You quickly went into the hive and found it as empty as Equius said. Places is totally cleared out, down to any posters that might have been on the wall (there was tack on the wall). All you could find were a pair of red dice.

Time to go then. You feel bad leaving so soon after spending so much time getting here, but you have to get home before dawn. You should be able to make it.

  
    You have made A horrible mistake.

    Dammnit! You left too late and took too long to get here! Equius made it sound like it was just a quick hop out here. He has psionic floating powers! Didn’t you think it would take your fatass longer to walk the distance? You have terrible time management skills! And no psychic powers, you waste of space!

There are monsters on the moors, you can’t stay in the hive, and if you sleep you’ll have horrendous nightmares and you can’t sleep anyway because of the aforementioned monsters. This is incredibly stupid!

    You know what else is stupid? Creepynoodles sure are stupid, they sure are. Also, every horror movie ever is stupid. All full of cliché that will never happen. They’re stupid and they never happen. You know that one movie that will never happen? “Female troll investigates ruined hive and...”

Ohmygod a rainbow drinker!

  
GC: 1M GO1NG TO CUT YOUR THROAT AND L12TEN TO YOU 6LEED WH1LE 1 2MELL YOU D1E

  
You are creeped out of your noodle.   


GC: JU2T K1DD1NG! ALWAY2 WANTED TO 2AY THAT   
AC: “...You aren’t a rainbow drinker?”   
GC: HA 1 W12H THO2E CAT2 ARE QU1TE 2HARP 1 HEAR   
AC: “...then how can you stand the light?”   
AC: “Oh, you must have...already gone blind from the sun!”   


GC:  NOW WHY WOULD YOU EVER TH1NK THAT 1’M 6L1ND?

> be the not blind girl

    Your name is TEREZI PYROPE. You are the BEST FASHION DESIGNER ON ALTERNIA.   
    Okay, so you’re the ONLY FASHION DESIGNER ON ALTERNIA. You are still QUITE CHIC. You love to wearing and making COLORFUL AND SHARP CLOTHES. You plan to revive the lost art of FASHION, discard like so many things since THE WAR. You already have a LAND ARISTOCRAT GIRL as your model. She’s the ONLY TROLL WHO WILL WEAR YOUR CLOTHES, though for some reason she prefers wriggler clothes.   
    You also LOVE DECORATING BOTH THE INSIDE AND OUTSIDE OF YOUR HIVE! You love your hive! Your hive is the ONLY HIVE OF ITS KIND ON ALTERNIA! You made it from a ruin you found in the swamps. With the help of your VIRGIN GRUB LUSUS (also unique) you drained the swamp and made a PARK in it that is rather CENTRALLY LOCATED. You invite everyone you know to your hive, and you KNOW A LOT OF TROLLS.

You especially LOVE TO MEDDLE! The Conciliatory relationships aren’t boring to you at all! You hope to find your ONE TRUE MOIRAIL, but for now you’ll have some fun! You see everyone as a PROJECT and you have SO MANY PROJECTS! Projects and interests and ambitions! 

Your trolltag is  gregariousClothier , and you  U2E A 2HARP 2H166OLETH, HAHAHAHA

 

Okay, so where were we? Oh yeah.

GC: NOW WHY WOULD YOU EVER TH1NK THAT 1’M 6L1ND?   
AC: ac raves “...because you dress like a candy rainbow?”

No, you aren’t blind.

  
    But oh, to be blind like the BLIND PROPEHTS of yore. You could see the world not as simple rays but as touch and smell! Oh how chic it would be if you could see the world not the boring everynight way everyone else does but in a new exciting way! The world would be your bouquet!   
    If the Blind Prophets blessed you with vision smellfold, how you would stroll gaily through the gardens of life! The sky would taste like the most delicious cotton candy, and the beautiful but harsh sun would be but a giant cherry to you! Entering your wardrobe would be like entering a candy shop! Everyone you met would be a new flavor! You could truly say you have great taste!

A fat girl insults you and you don’t even care. 

 

Yeah, enough of that.

  
AC: ac asks the viewers “Who are you?”

    Didn’t you already say who you were? Oh wait you were indulging in soliloquy there. Thank Mother Grub for that, what with the psalm to the Blind Prophets and all. 

GC: MY LA6EL 12 TEREZ1 PYROPE   
GC: TROLLTAG’2 gregariousClothier PUT THAT ON YOUR CHUMROLL R1GHT NOW   
AC: “...don’t have an internet device...on me.”   
GC: YOU REALLY AREN’T VERY WELL PREPARED ARE YOU?   
GC: WHAT’2 YOUR NAME?   
AC: “...this movie stars Nepeta Leijon as auditoriumCrucifier!”   
GC: HMM VERY DRAMAT1C   
AC: “...so...”   
AC: “...Are we going to grief now?”

This is not an odd question on Alternia.

GC: NO 1’M HERE TO RE2CUE YOU   
AC: “...what a relief...”   
GC: 1 WA2 TAK1NG A WALK WHEN 1 2AW YOU LOOK1NG LOST AND 1 DEC1DED TO MEDDLE   
AC: “...a walk this close to morning?”   
GC: HEY YOU’RE OUT HERE TOO   
GC: 6E21DE2 DAY 12 THE NEW N1GHT HAHAHAHAHAHAHA   
GC: ARE YOU AT LEAST ARMED?   
AC: “Two thumbs up!”   


GC: 2C122ORK1ND?  
GC: 1 2UPPO2E THAT W1LL PROTECT U2 1F WE RUN 1NTO ANY 2TAT1IONARY  
AC: ac asks the viewers “What is gregariousClothier (Terezi Pyrope) armed with?”  
GC: ONLY  THE WEAPON FOR THE 2P1RITUALLY PURE F1GHTER2 OF THE UNDEAD  
AC: “...mascara? And you make fun of...”  


AC: “Boxoffice Boffo!”   
GC: DON’T GO HY2TER1CAL ON ME   
GC: (THOUGH HY2TER1CALNE22 12 CLO2E TO GODL1NE22 HAHA)   
GC: NOW LET’2 GO TO MY AWE2OME H1VE   
AC: “How far away is your hive?”   
GC: TH1RTY TWO M1LE2   
AC: “...and you walked?”   
GC: NO WAY 1 TOOK MY LU2U2   
AC: “Where is this lusus character?”   
GC: 2HE’2 ALREADY HERE   


AC: “!”   
GC: AND YOU THOUGHT 1 WA2 6L1ND

You share a romantic if incredible dangerous virgin grub ride back home. On the way you troll each other.

GC: 1T’2 FUNNY HAHAHA 6UT 1 TH1NK 1 KNOW YOU FROM 2OMEWHERE   
GC: 1’VE HEARD OF YOU BEFORE   
AC: “auditoriumCrucifier...writes for the celebrity bog Jzrebellum.”   
GC: NO 1 HAVEN’T EVEN HEARD OF THAT 21TE   
AC: “auditoriumCrucifier...displays her photography online.”   
GC: NO 1 DON’T TH1NK 1’VE 2EEN YOUR WORK   
AC: “...well I do tend to...delete it...in shame.”   
GC: 1 MU2T KNOW YOU FROM 2OMEWHERE 1’M 2O GOOD AT KNOW1NG PEOPLE   
GC: OH 1 KNOW   
GC: 1’D HEARD A6OUT A TRAG1CALLY UNH1P G1RL W1TH GRAY BLOOD   
AC: “I have MYSTERY BLOOD!”   
AC: “...but yes that was probably me.”   
GC: OH YOU POOR TH1NG YOU NEED 2O MUCH HELP   
AC: “...are you pale flirting with me?”   
AC: “You just met me!”   
GC: OH 1 WOULD NEVER FL1RT W1TH A 2TRANGER   
GC: 2O WE 2HOULD GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER 6ETTER   
AC: “...one star.”

You should really stop pale flirting with everyone. Ha, you’re never going to stop pale flirting with everyone. 

AC: “...none of your business but...”   
AC: “auditoriumCrucifier...has already cast for a moirail!”   
GC: REALLY?   
AC: “...that’s why I was down there in the first place!”   
GC: 2O YOUR MO1RA1L 12 2T1LL DOWN THERE?   
GC: YOU AREN’T VERY GOOD AT TH12 MO1RA1L 6U2INE22   
AC: “...which is mine!”   
AC: “And he’s the senior moirail.”   
GC: HE? HAHAHA GUE22 YOU PREFER MALE2 FOR ROMANCE   
GC: 6UT HE CAN’T 6E A VERY GOOD MO1RA1L 1F HE LET2 YOU WANDER AROUND THE MOOR2   
AC: “He did tell me not to go to the ruined hive...but I went anyway.”   
GC: AH 2O THE RU1NED H1VE WA2 YOUR TARGET   
AC: ac asks the viewers “Will gregariousClothier stop tricking ac into revealing more?”   
GC: HA 1’M 6ARELY U21NG MY POWER2 OF MEDDL1NG   
GC: YOU JU2T LOVE TALK1NG A6OUT YOUR2ELF   
GC: YOU AREN’T VERY GOOD AT KEEP1NG A 2ECRET ARE YOU?   
AC: …

You arrive at stately Pyrope Manor.   


You can tell your guest is suitably impressed.

> Guest: be suitably impressed   


You are suitably squinty. It is a nice hive, though the architecture is more of Equius sort of thing. You think it lacks eaves. You love eaves.

You enter the hive together.   
  
GC: WA1T HERE

Yeah, wait here in this creepy overlit grand foyerlobbi. Good thing you’re armed.   
  
  
This would be a great time for something scary to pop up in front of the fireplace. It’s so cliché.   


Something scary pops up in front of the fireplace!

You may not be the best at knowing people but you know her. She’s infamous. Equius uses her as his exhibit A on why Nepeta should never ever play extreme role-playing games. She is the dirtiest, sneakiest, most violent and dangerous FLARPer ever. She goes by the name LOLITA STABANOV in the game, but her Mother Grub name is...

> be infamous bitch   


Your name is VRISKA SERKET. You’re just a sweet little wriggler who’s looking for her daddy...so she can harpoon him in the ass!

    You have some ABANDONMENT ISSUES. No, you have ALL OF THE ABANDONMENT ISSUES. Your LOUSY SEAGOAT OF A LUSUS abandoned you for the ocean and YOU CAN’T SWIM! You wish you were a MERMAID, but mermaids are TOTALLY FAKE and NOT REAL. Instead you stalk the shores looking for him.   
    To hone your skills, you play GAMES FOR GIRLS. Though unlucky with lususes, you are lucky at games. No one expects the grublike girl in the tattered dress to slit their throat. People accuse you of cheating just because you use your MIRACLE POWERS to bypass the game system, but they’re just being POOPYHEADS. Haters gonna hate, and then set up hate fanclubs. Seriously, someone wrote you a song called “She Stabbed Me (And It Felt Like A Kiss)”. 

You aren’t interested in those losers. You have your two eyes on two guys who don’t play games for girls. Yes, you are stalking three characters. You just love to stalk!

Your trolltag is  avengingGrub and you  tawk wike a 10vewy wittwe gwub!!!!!!!!!!

  
> make a new friend!

You’ll show her your fine collection of STABS.   


This is a normal occurrence when two trolls met.   
  
GC: OM1GOD ARE YOU GUY2 F1GHT1NG?

This is a normal occurrence when Terezi meets two trolls meeting.   


You are Nepeta again, because you really were only Vriska and Terezi before that as an excuse to introduce them in the traditional manner.

AC: “Terezi...she snuck into...your hive!”   
GC: 1 1NV1TED HER 1N YOU 21LLY LONG NECKED WATERFOWL   
GC: NEPETA LE1JON MET VR12KA 2ERKET VR12KA 2ERKET MET NEPETA LE1JON   


AG: hewwo wed hat wady!!!!!!!!!!   
AC: “...introuductions...to you.”   
GC: 1 PRO6A6LY D1D THAT THE WRONG WAY AROUND BUT 1’M NOT THE ONE WHO CARE2 A6OUT PROTOCOL   
GC: VR12KA 12 2TAY1NG W1TH ME TEMPORALLY WH1LE 2HE GET2 A NEW H1VE   
AC: ac asks the viewers “What happened to her old hive?”   
GC: DON’T A2K   
AG: i buwned it!   
AC: “Follow-up:...why isn’t she getting help from her lu   
GC: DON’T A2K!!!   
AC: “So what are you guys?”   
AC: “And don’t say moirails because there are...several plot holes.”   
GC: WE’RE 2I2TER2   
AG: sistews!   
AC: “What are sisters?”   
GC: DON’T KNOW 6UT 1T 2OUND2 COOL   
GC: AND TH12 PLANET 12 2ER1OUSLY LACK1NG 1N COOL   
GC: 6UT 6AS1CALLY WE WORK A2 PARTNER2   
AC: “...and the project?”   
GC: WE’RE GO1NG TO 2TART UP A FA2H1ON H1VE   
AG: and not get howwibwe cuwwed fow ouw insowence!   
GC: CREATE A NEW EXC1T1NG WAY OF DRE221NG   
AG: and destwoy aww the factowies that make the owd cwothes!   
GC: WE W1LL 6ECOME THE TOP 6RAND 1N THE GALAXY   
AG: and muwdew aww those who stand in ouw way!   
AC: “Wow!”   
AC: “Speaking of fashion...why does gregariousClothier’s skirt keep changing colors?”   
GC: YOU AREN’T VERY OB2ERVANT ARE YOU?   
AG: so sad.   
AC: “...only just got the chance to ask...am too observant...”   
GC: THAT’2 MY WARDRO61F1ER   
GC: 1T RANDOMLY CHANGE2 MY 2K1RT COLOR 6A2ED ON AN ALGOR1THM YOU WOULDN’T UNDER2TAND   
AC: ac raves “...might understand.”   
AC: “My moirail...played by a computer technician.”    
GC: YOU’RE ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE WHO 6R1NG UP THE1R MO1RA1L 1N EVERY CONVER2AT1ON AREN’T YOU?   
GC: WE GET 1T YOU FOUND 2OMEONE   
AG: conciwiatowy wewations awe bowing.   
GC: 2PEAK1NG OF 2OMEONE2 1 TH1NK 1 HAVE ANOTHER GUE2T   
AC: ac quotes “[you] think [?]”   
AG: kitty wan away.   
GC: YEAH M12TER GREEN 12 NEVER GO1NG TO COM1NG 1N21DE   
AC: ac raves “guest three...played by an animal?”   
GC: YOU COULD CALL HIM THAT HAHAHAHAHA   
AG: he’s actuawwy   
GC: LET’2 EAT WHATEVER 6OR1NG PEOPLE CALL MEAL AT TH12 T1ME   


And you do so.

You are tired after your long night. Terezi shows you one of her spare Recupercoons. She has a lot of Recupercoons. It’s kind of creepy.

    Trolls usually don’t have sleep-overs due to the hassle of setting up and maintaining the sopor slime filled Recupercoons that suppress troll dreaming. Also because they’re asocial jerks. 

    You wake up in the evening. Terezi is still sleeping (or finally going to sleep) and Vriska is gone FLARPing, or at least, you hope that’s what her note means.   


It’s awkward when you’re staying over at someone’s hive and you get up before your host. Do you sit in you Recupercoon until they get up? Do you clamber around their food preparation block trying to make breakfast? Do you slaughter a musclebeast and make a bouquet of dongs for them? Protocol is hard. But you aren’t the one who cares about protocol, whoever that is.

You walk out into what your host calls her garden. Again you collect your thoughts. 

Your host is a very odd short-necked waterfowl. She lives by day like some creepy rainbow drinker, she wears the weirdest clothes, and she’s obsessed with moirallegiance. It’s the third one that really gets to you. Though she’s desperate for a moirail, she ignores the one right on her entrance way threshold. Vriska Sekret would be the perfect moirail for her. The deranged girl already listens to her and Mother Grub knows she needs all the meddling she could get. Instead Terezi just plays dress-up with her. Okay, maybe it is a good thing that Vriska gets her hair brushed and dress fixed every once in a while, but couldn’t Terezi keep her from being so dangerous like a good moirail? So why aren’t they together? Is Terezi’s flirting just a disguise for her monoromantic orientation (you are sophisticated from watching underground movies and know there is a word for that)? Have they even tried to see if the chemistry is there? Troll romance sure is weird! 

Yes, there are three big things you find weird about your host: her love of fashion, her love of sunlight, and her love of conciliatory romance.   Oh, and her love of the Blind Prophets, that’s a forth thing. Four is not a good number. She is obviously a follower of that outlaw religion. She really thinks no one has heard of the numbers 612? It may be more obscure than 413 but not by much. She is not good at keeping a secret. Or at keeping a Serket. That’s a good one. You’ll have to save it for later.

  
> stop thinking about Terezi and start thinking about the plot

You’re getting to that! Jeez!

    So your investigation of the mysterious ruined hive didn’t help you much. You didn’t get any leads. You could have asked Terezi about Aradia Medigo but you were to scared to ask the relatively high jade blood about a possible extreme culling victim, and besides, directing dialogue with her is a nightmare. At this point you could just follow your moirail’s advice and give up, but there are three phenomenons that make you want to go on. You’ve been forgetting a lot about movies lately, like that one movie that you have a poster for, and all of them have this one actor...what’s-his-name, he used to build carpentry drones before he made it big. You keep looking up his name and immediately forgetting it. It’s not like you to forget something so important! The second phenomenon is these photographs you’ve found of a mysterious girl with large...horns, you think? You overexposed the damn photos again and so she just appears as a ghostly image. You know these are not candid snapshots of some beautiful stranger but portraits of someone you know very well. You just can’t remember who she is. The final thing is the pair of red gaming dice you found. You somehow know they were used for FLARPing, and when you picked them up it felt like you had held them in your hand before. Your memory is a lacuna again here.

You keep having the feeling you’re being watched.   


But that’s probably nothing.   



	9. Radio Free Alternia

> be ghostly green guy

    Musclebeast carcass in the alley tonight. Will make good bouquet. The City is afraid of you. It’s seen your true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermincritters will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up around their thorax and all the compensated pailers and Parlidietmembers will look up and shout “Save us!” … and you’ll look down and whisper...   


“sure!” 

On second thought, let’s just be Nepeta again. Did she get back home safely?

> be at home safe    


    You sit in your respiteblock cooling down after your fight with Mr. Grant. Your lusus didn’t like you staying out all day. If only there were some way you could have told him where you were yesterday. Shame lususes can’t talk, except in really bad movies.   
    You’ve doing important work on your computer now...oh who are you kidding, you’re writing another bog post about how overrated [troll Angelina Jolie] is. God you hate [troll Angelina Jolie].   


    But who can blame you? The trail has run cold. Nobody on the internet cares about the creepynoodle anymore. The dice you found aren’t customized and so could belong to anyone. You haven’t found the negatives for the photo you took, and your image search of girls with ariesian horns has turned about pictures of everyone but her and then pages of things you never wanted to see. There isn’t anything else you can do to monger this mystery. If only you had some sort of covert source like Equius had.   


    Your radio crackles. You had forgotten you had one. There is never anything good on.   


?? transmitting to auditoriumCrucifier   
??: HELLO CAN ANYONE hear me?   
AC: ac can hear you!   
??: DON’T ACTUALLY ANSWER, IDIOT, THIS isn’t two-way communication.   
AC: ac raves “Well excuse me...for not knowing how this works.”   
??: YOU’RE PROBABLY TALKING still even after what i said.   
??: WHY CAN’T PEOPLE LEARN to shut up?   
??: ANYWAY AUDITORIUMCRUCIFER IS THE TARGET of this message.   
??: IF THIS ISN’T HER THEN i’m boned.   
??: JUST TURN OFF THE RADIO while i continue blasting my protein chute.   
??: THOUGH YOU’LL PROBABLY LISTEN IN anyway and it’ll get back to someone and i’ll get culled for something stupid.   
??: SO AC I HAVE INFORMATION about aradia megido.   
AC: ac raves “Spoil me!”   
??: AND YOU OPEN YOUR PROTEIN CHUTE again right now.   
??: WHAT PART OF ONE WAY COMMUNICATION don’t you understand?   
??: YOU IDIOT, I CAN’T TELL YOU over the airwaves.   
AC: “Why not?”   
??: BECAUSE I’M PARANOID oh shit that’s a lot of smoke.   
??: COME TO GYGAXX THE GARRELLOUS and first and i’ll oh shit it’s on fire!   
??: BYE fire bad!   
?? transmitter exploded.

Well, I guess the fire will help you find the place.

    After slipping Mr. Grant some chilled roe cubes, you slip out of the hive. You can’t be long. Luckily the intersection is near your townhive.   
    You go to the corner of Gygaxx the Garrellous Boulevard and 1st Street and find...oh you have to be kidding me.   


    Maybe your source is behind this guy? Maybe your source is the cat lusus? Maybe they both ate your source?

CG: HELLO AC, you dumb fascist. 

Oh crap it is him.   


AC: ac raves “Unbelievable!”   
AC: “...talking to a schizophrenic boy...who lives in an alley!”   
CG: GOOD AFTERMIDNIGHT to you too!   
CG: CALL ME “FEMALE ADULT TROLL HAS MUTATION THAT CAUSES HER TO RECEIVE MATING PLEASURE WHEN oh that’s just too inappropriate.    
CG: CALL ME...

>be “Female Adult Troll yatta yatta”   


    Your name is KARKAT VANTAS. You are a HIVELESS TROLL. You are the ONLY HIVELESS TROLL ON ALTERNIA. Any troll can get a hive. You chose to be hiveless for reasons that are ignorant, superstitious, and lacking in good taste. You don’t care about that. You live like your lusus, a ROUGH TOUGH ALLEY CAT, prowling the urban jungle.   
    You carry a HOMEMADE COMPUPACK and wear HOMEMADE AUGMENTED REALITY GOGGLES everywhere you go. You are really into DIY ELECTRONICS. You will never go to the machine for your machines! Unfortunately, you aren’t that good at it. It’s a miracle if your work doesn’t catch on fire.   
    You also have an interest in PSYCHOLOGY, even though most suspect you are MAKING IT UP AS YOU GO ALONG. After all, you can’t translate the ANCIENT SCHOLASTIC LANGUAGE used to disguise certain chapters. Still, you are the MOST PSYCHOLOGICALLY AWARE TROLL  ON ALTERNIA ANYWHERE. Yes, the situation is that sad.   
    Your trolltag is  creepingGunsel and you talk  AT A HIGH VOLUME BUT TEND to run out of batteries.   


AC: “...creepingGunsel?”

Oh yes, during that introduction you were actually introducing yourself to Nepeta. You can multitask after all. 

  
AC: “...do know what gunsel means?”   
CG: NO BUT IT SOUNDS pretty cool.   
CG: IT’S SOMETHING ABOUT GUNS and using them, isn’t it?   
AC: ac raves “...think you made...a bomb.”   
CG: YES I HAVE what does that have to do with anything?   
AC: ac raves “Reel change!”   
AC: “My name is Nepeta   
CG: LEIJON i know.   
CG: I HEARD ABOUT YOU from someone who knows people.   
AC: “Creepy...”   
AC: ac raves “Spoil me...on the Aradia Megido mystery.”   
CG: ARADIA MEGIDO EXIST or may not exist.   
AC: ac raves “...dragged out of hive...for this!”   
CG: SORRY YOU HAD TO HAUL your fatass out here.   
CG: BUT I COULDN’T TELL YOU ONLINE BECAUSE WE ARE BEING MONITORED, all of us, all the time.   


AC: “So?”   
AC: “Everyone’s...spoiled on the B.I.G.L.U.S.U.S. satellite.”   
AC: “As long as you don’t type ‘I shall slew þe Empress’ ...you’ll be fine.”    
CG: I MEAN SOMEONE WITH SOFTWARE written this century.   
CG: THERE IS A TROLL ON ALTERNIA WHO IS MONITORING the internet.   
CG: HE CAN’T MONITOR EVERYONE AND EVERYTHING but he is monitoring me and talk about aradia megido.   
AC: ac raves “...just a joke..about creepingGunsel being schizophrenic...but what a twist!”   
CG: SCHIZOPHRENIA DOESN’T WORK that way!   
CG: IT’S NOT PARANOIA if the subject has reasonable evidence behind their fear.   
CG: i.e. IT’S NOT PARANOIA IF THEY ARE OUT to get you!   
AC: “So who was cast...as that troll?”   
CG: SOLLUX CAPTOR a.k.a. tangibleannihilation.   
AC: “Sollux Captor!”   
CG: IS THERE A REVERBERATION PROBLEM in here?   
AC: “Sollux Captor...   


AC: ...has a cool name...in this critic’s opinion.”   
CG: SOLLUX IS A BLUE BLOOD who wears all white.   
AC: “Okay...now I believe he’s evil.”   
CG: HE’S NOT ENTIRELY EVIL i hope.   
CG: BUT HE’S UP to no good.   
CG: GODHOOD IS his destination.   
AC: ac raves “...instead of thinking he’s already a god?”   
AC: “tA has...self-esteem issues...for his caste.”   
CG: SHUT up.   
AC: “I know...that caste is...not that far from yours.”   
CG: HE’S USING HIS HACKING to further his goals.   
CG: AND NOW MEMORY MANIPULATION is his new game.   
AC: “Manipulate? ...does tangibleAnnihilation have psychic powers?”   
CG: HA NO he wishes.   
CG: NOT THAT IT WOULD HELP with memory manipulation.   
AC: ac raves “...knows more about telekinesis than telepathy.”   
AC: ac asks the viewers “By the way...does creepingGunsel know cubistTentacles?”   
CG: YES I’VE trolled ct.   
AC: “Hmmm...loose plot lines tied.”   
CG: ENOUGH COMPARING CHUMROLLS do you know much about memory?   
AC: ac raves “No...but I have a feeling...creepingGunsel will take a whole reel telling me...about memory.”   
CG: I WON’T LET MY FASCINATING LECTURE KEEP YOU from whatever you were wasting your time with before.   
CG: MEMORY IS NOT LIKE A CAMERA RECORDING everything, to put things in words you will understand.   
CG: MEMORY IS MORE LIKE CLAY molded by prejudice, wishful thinking, or just plain inattentiveness.    
CG: IN FACT THE TROLL BRAIN IS FAR LESS PRECISE than people think.   
CG: YOU KNOW THE CENTRAL PART OF THE BRAIN that controls the rest of the brain?   
AC: “Yes?”   
CG: IT DOES not exist.   


CG: EVERYTHING IN THE UNIVERSE IS HELD TOGETHER WITH DUCT TAPE, metaphorically speaking.   
CG: BUT THIS ISN’T A LECTURE ON HOW GOD hides his skid marks.   
CG: SCIENTISTS HAVE DONE STUDIES WHERE THEY SHOWED THE SUBJECTS’ PHOTOS of themselves with insectoid cunny in the southern mega-hatchling-amusement-centre.    
CG: EVEN THOUGH EVERYONE KNOWS INSECTOID CUNNY IS ONLY FOUND in the northern mega-hatchling-amusement-center.   
CG: THE SUBJECTS STILL SWORE THE EVENTS OF THE DOCTORED PHOTOGRAPH TOOK PLACE even sweeps later!   


AC: ac asks the viewers “Nobody searched the photo for...discolored or blurry pixels?”   
AC: “Or looked to see if the light sources matched?”   
CG: IT DOESN’T MATTER photo fascist!   
AC: “Or check to see if the stars...matched the constellations in the southern hemisphere?”   
CG: MY POINT IS MEMORY CAN EASILY be changed.   
AC: “...if you’re an idiot...who should have been culled sweeps ago.”   
CG: YOU REMEMBER THE SIGN YOU PAST ON THE WAY HERE that said beware of caninebeast?   
AC: “Yes, of course.”   
CG: IT DOES not exist.   


AC: ac raves “...made your point.”   
AC: ac asks the viewers “Is tangibleAnnihilation going to make everyone ‘remember’ he’s a god?”   
CG: HIS PLANS ARE MORE AMBITIOUS than that.   
CG: IS THE HIVEMIND SOMETHING you’ve heard of?   
AC: “Another lecture?”   
CG: IT ALL ties in.   
CG: GUZTAV KESWIL INTRODUCTED THE CONCEPT of the hivemind.   
CG: BASICALLY IN THE PAST ALL TROLL MINDS WERE UNITED as one.   
AC: ac raves “Trolls...played by bees?”   
CG: WE WERE MUCH SMARTER THAN BEES but not by much.   
CG: THE HIVEMIND WAS SLOW to change and easily panicked.   
CG: EVENTUALLY WE EVOLVED INDIVIDUAL INTELLIGENCES and from there on our civilization flourished.    
CG: THE PRICE OF THIS PROGRESS WAS LOSING the warm closeness of the hive.   
AC: “Hivelessness...”   
CG: GOOD one.   
AC: ac asks the viewers “Is that why trolls seek out relationships...with so much fervor?”   
CG: IRONICALLY IT’S ALSO WHY TROLL RELATIONSHIPS are so tumultuous.   
CG: WE SEEK TO BE CLOSE BUT we can never truly recapture the feeling we used to have.   
CG: THE DIFERENCE OUTRAGES US making us seek to hurt each other.   
CG: WE ARE ALL LIKE NEEDLEBEASTS IN THE 2ND WINTER trying to get warm but only stabbing each other.   
AC: ac raves “A depressing story.”   
CG: BUT THE HIVEMIND IS NOT GONE for good.   
CG: SPEAKING OF STORIES, WHY DO YOU THINK OUR FICTIONAL OUTPUT IS SO SIMILAR across the years and miles and dialects?   
AC: “Writers are crap...?”   
CG: THAT’S TRUE but also...   
CG: ALL TROLL ARTIST DIP INTO THE VAT that is the hivemind.   
AC: “Wow!”   
AC: ac raves “That is borderline pornographic!”   
CG: GLAD YOUR DIRTY MIND HAS FOUND THE IMPORTANT POINTS of this lecture.   
AC: “...just not a very good metaphor.”   
CG: THEY USE BELOVED CHARACTERS AND STORIES THAT TAP INTO our collective heritage and make us feel a part of the hivemind again.   
AC: “Movie magic!”   
CG: ALONG WITH MOVIE MAGIC, THE HIVEMIND HELPS WITH TELEPATHY, especially in the higher bloods.   
AC: “Highbloods with telepathy?”   
CG: I HAVE SEEN IT HAPPEN but only with telepathy, not with even a trace of telekinetic.   
CG: POSSIBLY THESE POWERS IN GREEN AND BLUE BLOODS ARE NOT PART OF THE GREAT PSYCHIC MUTATION but rather an older throwback.   
CG: SUCH POWERS COULD HAVE HELPED THEM direct the lower castes.   
AC: “As much as I love hearing about the higher castes beating the lower castes around...”   
AC: ac asks the viewers “What does this have to do with memory manipulation?”   
CG: MEMORY MIGHT BE COLLECTIVELY HELD in the hive mind.   
CG: IF SOMEONE COULD HACK THE HIVEMIND they could change everyone’s memory quickly and efficiently.   
AC: ac raves “Sollux Captor...cast as the hacker...?”   
CG: YOU’RE CORRECT maybe.   
CG: HE HAS MADE EVERYONE FORGET aradia megido.   
AC: ac raves “Don’t say including you.”   
CG: INCLUDING me.   
AC: “Two thumbs down!”   
CG: ACTUALLY I POSSIBLY NEVER MET the girl.   
AC: “Shaggy caninebeast story!”   
CG: BUT SOLLUX CAPTOR knew her possibly.   
CG: I KNOW HE WAS MEETING WITH SOME TROLL GIRL with very low blood.   
CG: HE WAS GOING TO THE DAYCLUB MU and i know it wasn’t for dancing.   
AC: ac raves “I know all about...the happening dayclub MU...located conveniently in the City.”   
AC: ac raves “Great lead!”   
AC: “BUT I COULD HAVE LEARNED THIS PLOT POINT HALF AN HOUR EARLIER!”   
CG: AND MISS LEARNING THE SECRETS of the troll mind?   
CG: THAT WAS NECESSARY EXPOSITION, you impatient fascist.   
AC: ac rates cg “One star in helpfulness.”   
AC: “...and that’s in the genre of creepy guys who live in alleys.”   
AC: “Thanks anyway.”   
CG: GOOD TO GET SOME GRATITUDE THROWN MY WAY like scraps left for a pet.   
AC: “I need to go before my lusus comes charging after me.”   
AC: “It’s not a pretty picture.”   
CG: WAIT!   
AC: “What?”   
CG: JUST PROTECT YOURSELF out there.   
AC: “I will...but I must also protect my moirail.”   
CG: me too.

She leaves. You walk back into your lean-to. You’ve accomplished talking to the girl of your dreams and now it’s on to other tasks. Yes, we are going to stay with you for now. Why wouldn’t we?

 

It’s now time for you to talk with the most dangerous, the most evil, the most fascist troll on all of Alternia...your moirail.

We aren’t as shocked about Sollux being Karkat’s moirail as we are about staying with Karkat even after Nepeta left.

\--  creepingGunsel [CG] began trolling  tangibleAnnihilation [TA] \--   
CG: WHAT DID YOU DO WRONG this time?   
TA: I see I need to work on your 4bility to m4ke convers4tion.   
TA: H4ve you b4thed recently?   
CG: YEAH TEREZI TOOK CARE of my ablution.   
TA: She did.   
CG: HA, IS THAT PALE JEALOUSY coming from you?   
CG: OR SOME OTHER FORM of jealousy?   
TA: I’m 4bove 4ll th4t.   
TA: You 4re the one with the bl4ck crux on me.   
CG: UNTIL I REALIZED IT WAS A QUEST in futility.   
CG: YOU PROBABLY SOLDERED DOWN YOUR GENITALS AND REPLACED THEM WITH A FLASH DRIVE sweeps ago.   
CG: “THIX 4rrangment ix xo much more uxeful!”    
TA: I h4ve m4stered the lisp.   
CG: THAT’S WHAT YOU CHOSE to deny?   
CG: SPEAKING OF DENYING LET’S GET TO THE PART where you deny doing anything wrong.   
TA: I h4ve done nothing wrong.   
CG: WOW IT’S LIKE I’M PSYCHIC but i’m not!   
TA: You do h4ve 4n 4nnoying tend4ncy to see 4 sliver of the future.   
TA: Yet it is 4lw4ys too d4mn foggy to do 4ny good four 4ny predictions.    
CG: ENOUGH OF YOUR PSYCHIC OBSESSION, who is aradia megido?   
TA: Who is Jhonen G4ltus?   
TA: Who is Lurroy Jenkem & who is Byr& Pfeper & who is Hucuck Noiris & who 4re you gentlemen?   
TA: There’s this gre4t site where you c4n look them 4ll up but you xouldn’t spend 4ll night on th4t site.   
CG: YOU’RE TOO SMART to play dumb.   
TA: & I thought you were too sm4rt to 4sk stupid questions but it seems I w4s wrong 4bout th4t.   
CG: HOLD ON A SECOND I NEED TO RECORD YOU saying you’re wrong on my calender.   
TA: 4s if there’s 4ny room four 4 c4lender in your le4n-to she4lter when 4ll the room is t4ken up by th4t d4mn 4ccursed xipping w4ll.   
CG: SPEAKING OF SHIPPING WALL I NEED TO UPDATE with you and aradia.   
TA: I’m not in 4ny qu4dr4nt with her!   
CG: SUCCESSFUL troll!   
TA: I’m 4lso not in 4 rel4tionxip with [trollIndiana Jones].   
TA: M4ybe you xould 4dd every single fiction4l ch4r4cter in the universe to your xipping w4ll.   
TA: Surely th4t won’t convince the culling drones to cull you four re4sons of ment4l unfitness!   
CG: I STILL SAY I HIT A SENSORY CABLE with that line.   
CG: AND I KNOW THERE’S A LINE between you and aradia.    
TA: Oh de4r K4K4.   
TA: I think you xould just   
TA: fourget 4r4di4 megido.   
TA:   
  
CG: YEEEEEEEAAAAAAAaaaahh this is why i won’t get fooled again.   
CG: YOU’RE LIKE THE CAT who ate the yellowcolor musicbird.    
TA: & you’re like the c4t curiosity killed.   
CG: ARE YOU THREATENING me, moirail?   
TA: 4re you meddling with me, junior moir4il?   
CG: YOU WANT ME TO END UP like aradia megido, don’t you?   
CG: DID SHE MEDDLE with you?   
TA: You m4ke 4ccus4tions but you h4ve not 4 behemoth le4ving of evidence.   
CG: I’LL GO AND GET evidence against you.   
TA: Without entering 4ny buildings, of course.   
CG: I HAVE my ways.   
TA: & who will you bring this “evidence” to in order to t4ttle on me?   
TA: The Bure4u of Bullxit th4t is stupid?   
CG: FUCK THAT I’M GOING TO CULL you myself!   
TA: Here comes your little bl4ck crux 4g4in 4t this moment.   
CG: I SAID CULL, not pail, you fake ascetic-fascist.   
TA: You think you c4n t4ke me on?   
CG: I KILL MUSCLEBEASTS regularly, you know.   
TA: I 4m still stronger th4n you even with my 4nti-strength supplements, not th4t I would use brute fource on you.   
TA: & I 4m so much sm4rter th4n your regul4r sub-intelligent opponents.   
TA: I could just xoot you with my xbow from the roof 4s soon 4s I see the yellow of your d4mn eyes.   
CG: YOU HAVE TERRIBLE AIM on your crossbow.   
CG: AND YOU HAVE LITTLE combat experience.   
TA: I would still grief you so h4rd your lusus wouldn’t recognize you due to the 4forementioned griefing!   
CG: NO, YOUR LUSUS IS GOING TO SWEEP up your remains!   
TA: No, I will grief you & th4t’s if you get p4st the tr4ps I’ll set.   
TA: Or if you even get p4st my door, which you won’t.   
CG: YEAH WELL I’LL POUNCE YOU RIGHT NOW AND SURPRISE YOU before you have a chance to set anything up!   
TA: It’s not 4 d4mn surprise if you tell me in 4dv4nce your 4ctions & 4nd m4ke it not surprising, you 4sshole.   
TA: You 4re 4lw4ys rax & unthinking & th4t’s why your projects 4lw4ys explode.   
CG: MAYBE THEY’LL EXPLODE IN YOUR fascist face!   
CG: KNOCK THOSE STUPID GLASSES off your smellsnout!   
TA: Well t4ke off those goggles off your dirty f4ce & duel me!   
CG: I WILL do that!   
TA: Go do th4t!   
CG: I’M LEAVING my shelter now!   
TA: I’m going to the roof now!   
CG: I’M ADJUSTING my electric gloves!   
TA: I’m setting up my sights!   
CG: YES I’M REALLY WALKING there now!   
TA: I 4m not sitting the floor right now!   
CG: THIS IS NOT ONE OF THOSE DUELS where someone taps out!   
TA: This is 4 blood duel where someone dies 4t the end!   
CG: WE ARE GOING TO MAKE THIS thing happen!   
TA: Yes we 4re going to m4ke this thing h4ppen!!!!   
CG: Yes!   
TA: Yex!!!!   
CG: THIS IS incredibly stupid.   
TA: This is s4d & silly.   
TA: We 4re 4cting girly.   
CG: ARE WE STILL moirails, sollux?   
TA: You 4sk me th4t everytime.   
TA: I see too much potenti4l in you four me to ever seek to end this rel4tionxip.   
TA: You could do so much more if you c4lmed down & stopped being so stubborn.   
CG: THE SAME GOES TO YOU, you lovable fascist.   
CG: THE ENDS JUSTIFY THE MEANS for you.   
CG: I’M JUST AFRAID YOU’LL DO something you regret.   
TA: I think you xould just put th4t out of your mind.   
CG: YOU KNOW that’s won’t stop me.   
TA: I know.   
TA: But 4t le4st you’re b4thing.   
\--  creepingGunsel [CG]  has ceased trolling  tangibleAnnhilation [TA] \--   
  
You really hope you’re wrong about him. 

  


  
  


  



	10. Pygmalion

> be Karkat’s senior moirail   


    You’ve just ceased an exhausting conversation with your moirail where you again threatened to kill each other. Future you, with all this flagrant bullshit no wonder troll civilization hasn’t progressed further. Everyone is too busy with romance to set up a decent postal system for one. Moirallegiance is the only quadrant you can stand and even it makes you want to tear off your horns. It just goes to show not everything good comes in fours.   
    You are glad to hear that your moirail is bathing, but unfortunately Terezi’s doing the bathing. She is meddling right up in your meddling! You wish she would stop trying to be his moirail. She doesn’t have to go for that already well-filled quadrant. You know despite her virginal act she has carnal desires for him. As much as it disgusts you, you wish she would become matesprits with Karkat. They do have a lot in common, like their over-identification with their lusus and their interest in that place that’s outside buildings. Oh great are you really shipping now? Ugh, let’s go to a different topic.    


    Karkat is on to you. You would wipe his memory but you can’t do it individually and besides, you’re afraid to use your powers too much. You can’t actually see into people’s memories, only put out a code that finds and deletes references to Aradia Megido. You are already afraid of what damage you’ve done. It might keep deleting memories closely associated emotionally with Aradia Megido. People are stupid enough already without you pushing your worm into everyone’s head and squicking things up. This global lacuna for Aradia Megido is only temporary. You have plans.   


\--  apocalypseArisen [AA] began haunting  tangibleAnnhililation [TA] \--

AA: hell0

Most people would totally flip out if the ghost of the person they violently killed suddenly appeared before them. You are too cool for that. You only flip out a little.

[ ](http://i152.photobucket.com/albums/s187/HystericalWoman/9d.gif)

TA: 44!   
TA: Good job em4iling every fucking troll on your chumproll!   
AA: g00d j0b erasing me fr0m every0nes mem0ries   
AA: im n0t being sarcastic im just stating a fact   
TA: I notice you didn’t go into the det4ils of the incident th4t led to your de4th.   
AA: you mean that y0u murdered me    
TA: Technic4lly  it w4s trollsl4ughter since I did not h4ve the intent to murder you.   
AA: y0u made A h0rrible mistake   
TA: I know.   
TA: Did you keep th4t det4il out of your em4il so you could whitem4il me?   
AA: im a gh0st   
AA: what w0uld i want t0 get fr0m y0u   
TA: You’ve m4de your point.   
AA: im n0t being rhet0rical i really w0uld like t0 kn0w what im supp0sed t0 want   
TA: Seems de4th h4s m4de you 4p4thic in your 4ttitude.   
TA: I xould ask K4K4 4bout ghost psychology no w4it th4t’s 4 terrible ide4.   
AA: i went t0 my hive and saw it was destr0yed and everything i 0wned was g0ne   
TA: Um, yes.   
AA: i supp0se i sh0uld be upset ab0ut that but im 0kay with it   
TA: Then I guess I c4n just s4y I did it.   
TA: I used 4 bomb th4t resembles psychic d4m4ges th4t I got from 4n 4cqu4int4nce th4t h4s 4n interest in chemistry, 4long with some other stupid interests.   
AA: th4t’s nice   
AA: i d0n’t have any interests   
TA: So why 4ren’t you reeking revenge on me?   
TA: Besides the whole sp4mming business.   
AA: i just wanted pe0ple t0 kn0w i exist   
AA: i guess thats 0ne thing i still want   
TA: Sorry I yelled 4t you 4bout th4t.   
TA: It w4s l4ugh4ble e4sy to cle4n up th4t mess without writing 4 single line of code.   
TA: You do h4ve 4 lot of 4cqu4int4nces though.   
AA: im n0t taking revenge because the spirits t0ld me n0t t0   
AA: y0u must play the game   
TA: The g4me?   
TA: Oh yes the g4me we were working on, 4lmost deleted it from my memory.   
TA: H4ve you m4de 4ny progress 4ccomplishing the tr4nsl4tion of the runes?   
AA: i have actually been m0re efficient this past week in my w0rk   
TA: Due to the removed need to tend to the endless dem4nds of 4 body?   
AA: and because i d0nt have t0 tend t0 y0ur endless demands   
TA: Ye4h? Well I w4s working when you interrupted me with your creepy girl 4ct.   
AA: 0kay   
TA: Re4lly, I w4s working to resurrect you.   
TA: Soon you’ll be b4ck to your new & improved old self.   
TA: I h4ve to do th4t 4long with working on the g4me.   
AA: then i will leave y0u t0 y0ur w0rk

\--  apocalypseArisen [AA]  has ceased haunting  tangibleAnnihilation [TA] \--   


What an infuriating girl! Even dead and emotionless she can make every little thing she does sound like she’s doing you a huge favor, one that she plans to call in at the most inconvenient moment.   Still, and again, you do have a pressing need for her. You are glad you didn’t accidentally delete her from existence all together.

    This resurrection is not going to be easy, but you relish the challenge. You may not be able to implement the resurrection program now, even if you managed to write everything in an hour, but you are certain when the game begins you will be. You will use this game to your advantage more than you already are. To resurrect Aradia after destroying her, you must repair the threads you ripped out and to do so you must make new threads. Aradia Megido will not be the same sad peasant she was before. Why resurrect her if you’re just going to consign her to her same low status? She will have status and social power and with it she will have respect. She won’t be an aristocrat, either land or sea though. She won’t be so high as to be a threat to the Empress, or more importantly, you. She will be a blue blood, with no nasty greenish tinge. She will have the psychic powers of her former miserable maroon life. No, why shoot so low! She’ll have more psychic powers. All the psychic powers. Telekinesis, telepathy, psychic vision, even that stupid animal communing thing. She won’t be able to read your mind, of course. She is going to be so awesome!!!!   
    You’ll also have to change her memories. Not a lot, of course. You don’t want her to forget her vast knowledge of history or how to use the toilet. You just have to make her remember her life as being that of a blue blood, albeit as a mutant. And of course you have to make her not remember the whole murder - I mean, trollslaughter - incident. Admittedly even with that off your slate she might still not look at you kindly. She treated you coldly before that and you know she doesn’t treat everyone that way. You have to change that. You do want her to get along with you, right? You could erase from her memory all the times you yawned while she was lecturing. Maybe add in a few times where you complimented her on how psychically gifted she was and how deeply you admire that. You could also add some tender moments. Maybe a private joke together, a stolen moment, a long exciting archaeological expedition ending with a romantic if incredible dangerous sunlight levitation home. And in her memories that she doesn’t share consciously share with anyone, she’ll think about how much she enjoys talking to you, and how she would like to spend the rest of her life with you.   


Oh, wow, yes. Somehow this all makes you think of a story you heard. It’s a story that connects deeply with the troll psyche and so has been told many times, but this version is supposedly based in historical fact. During the Illin’ War, The warrior Pyrrha faced Sileia of the Sickthians in combat and slew him. However, when she took off the prince’s helmet, the moment she saw his beautiful dying face she felt such great pity for her fallen foe that she instantly flushed scarlet for the rebel royalty. It broke her heart that she had ruined her chance forever. It’s such a sad story. Who told you that story again?

Oh, yeah. Awkward.

 

If you had a shipping wall, and if you were to put yourself and Aradia on it, you would write a note under your picture saying that there is a slight possibility you have feelings that could be described as you being...

...100% totally flushed scarlet for Aradia Megido. 

  
  
  


[   
](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_T939PEPZZt8w_2DqGKRfxooiSmVgd4d4lGv12tzCpg/edit?hl=en&authkey=CNaMubMO)


	11. Stranger in the Alps

> be Equius’ junior moirail   


    You’ve been Equius’ moirail for sweeps, you don’t need to start now!    
    Your talk with Karkat Vantas has given you many thoughts for your thought collection. As crazy as his story sounds, the world is a pretty crazy place. Your MYSTERY MONGER sense tell you he’s right.    
    When you got home you did some research on MU. Okay, so you just ended up arguing online whether the genre should be called Not Totally Bullshit Dance Music or Not Totally Hoofbeast-Shit Music (the insult implicit in the genre name is not even controversial). You really don’t need anymore research. You love MU. That place is your worshipterrarium. You have a friend who works there. You’ll go over there tomorrow. During aftermidnight, when no ones there, of course. Despite your ribbing of Feferi, that place intimidates you too. You’ve only been there three times and you ran out terrified each time. Just like your worshipterrarium.    
    Right now you are watching a movie. Ha, when are you not watching a movie? Even when you were doing research you were also watching something on GrubTube, which was probably a bad idea since it made you hey isn’t that the guy who always plays Imperial Drones?

No, you made a not-at-all-horrible mistake. It’s another guy.

    Anyway, you’re sitting in front of your television broadcast receiving device in the parlorblock, eating popgrubs, which totally doesn’t break your diet because popgrubs never count, watching a stupid but fun police movie. You’ve seen it before, and the title gives most of it away, so you can just sit and veg. Though the movie is mostly about stopping a fluorite robbery there’s a subplot about a young female cadet with orange blood. She’s pretending she has yellow blood, since orange bloods are only barely tolerated in the police force. It’s not a big lie, but it still has consequences. You’re at the part where her moirail, a rage-filled but sensitive yellow blood saves her from a dangerous criminal. 

“B1gusu, d1d he hurt y0u?

“nO , dONT lOOK aT mE,!” 

“Y0ur bl00d...1t’s n0t yell0w?”

“nO, iTS nOT,, i lIED, wEZLEF,, iVE bEEN lYING tO yOU aLL tHIS tIME,,”

“But why?”

“i jUST rEALLY wANTED tO bE rESPECTED, sO i tOOK a cHEMICAL tO tEMPORARILY cHANGE tHE cOLOR oF mY bLOOD,,”

“0h f00ck, that 1s c0mpletely 1llegal.”

“sO aRE yOU gOING tO aRREST mE nOW oR tAKE yOUR rEVENGE hERE,?

“1 am rage-f1lled that y0u lied t0 me, but 1 did say 1 w0uld pr0tect y0u.”

“oH wEZLEF, wONT yOU bE iN dANGER tOO?”

“1 d0nt g1ve a damn. 1 swear, 1 w1ll make sure  YOU ARE CULLED IMMEDIATELY.”

Oh wow. That definitely wasn’t in the original. They dubbed in a line for television! Goddamn lousy stupid censorship! It’s not like in the original she got away with it. There was a Mother Grub-approved ending where she repented and was sent to five sweeps in the punishment hive, but now even that’s too risque. Even the hint that someone might lie about blood for noble reasons in forbidden. Most chillingly, they edited it so she isn’t in the next scene, suggesting her moirail really did keep “his promise”. Unlike only a few sweeps ago when this movie first came out, the powers that be now want to send the message: never ever cover up your blood color.    
    All this is bad news for a poor little troll with bright re...with bright re...with MYSTERY BLOOD. It’s especially bad for a poor little troll with a moirail whose obsessed with the hemospectrum. That troll is you, in case that isn’t clear.   
    It was a strange twist of fate that lead a troll with...problematic blood to a moirail who takes blood bloody serious. You certainly were nervous around him before you found out he wasn’t a mind reader. Still, despite his belief in hierarchy he’s never actually mean to lower bloods. As for the many trolls with blood higher than him...well he can be really weird. One time he got into an argument with an indigo blood and the highblood told him to “ttake aa fflying ffuck aat tthe MOON!” Equius OBEYED his command. He gave the poor confused aristocrat updates on the status of his homemade spaceship every half-hour for two weeks without any breaks, excluding the many breaks on the homemade spaceship. You managed to calm him down before it got bad enough for an auspisticizing, which is just as well since the idea of him being in a relationship with someone with such high blood would probably cause him to destroy all the electronics on a city block. He acts deferential to higher bloods, even fawning, but he can’t help but make them look foolish. You used to wonder if he acted like that as a way of striking out against the highbloods, but he’s completely earnest about his obedience. It’s incidents like the spaceship thing that make you feel like you have a mutual moirallegiance with Equius. He may keep you from sneaking aboard a spaceship to met the stars, but you keep him from sneaking aboard a spaceship to have unnatural relationships with heavenly bodies. You would never bring this up with him though.

Actually, you’ve dealt with the blood problem by never ever bringing it up. He is fine with what you’ve told him. You’ve told Equius your lusus has orange blood, and he assumes you like every troll has the exact same blood as your lusus. You don’t tell him that you’re the exception. You’ve told him that you wear a gray symbol because the office accidentally sent you the wrong color and it’s too big of a hassle to deal with the bureaucracy. You don’t mention you have a more important reason why you’ve never correct that mistake. You think it may be time to talk with him.

\--  auditorumCrucifer [AC] began trolling  cubistTentacles [CT] \--

  
AC: ac raves “No one will be seated during the exciting moirallegience discussion!”   
CT: ~> could you make it quick?   
AC: ac asks the viewer “What’s Equius Zahhak’s hot new project?”   
CT: ~> i’m l00king through all these hive registry.   
AC: “...knew you liked architecture...but why would you snoop something so boring?”   
CT: ~> it’s not important you had something you wished to say?   
AC: “Yes I did.”   
AC: “The moirallegiance review.”   
AC: “ac was watching a movie...”   
CT: ~> when is ac ever not watching a movie?   
AC: “I know!...I was thinking the same thing just a moment ago!”   
AC: “[laugh track]”   
CT: ~> now about the movie?   
AC: “Yes I was watching a movie where a troll lied about her blood.”   
CT: ~> regrettable but it does happen in real life.   
AC: “She says she has yellow blood when really her blood is more...reddish.”   
CT: ~> how reddish?   
AC: “Orange.”   
CT: ~> not great, but not t00 bad.   
AC: ac raves “Let’s say it’s lower than that.”   
AC: “Because it was lower than that in the movie of course...I just made a mistake in telling you.”   
CT: ~> so what color is her bl00d?   
AC: “This girl in the movie...”   
AC: “She has red blood.”   
CT: ~> mar00n bl00d, you mean.   
CT: ~> it’s r00de and untr00e to say someone has red bl00d.   
AC: “No, it’s...bright red candy blood...that this fictional character has.”   
CT: ~> that does sound like what you would call an abuse of poetic license.    
AC: “Just pretend it’s true...”   
AC: “And this girl has a moirail...”   
CT: ~> a moirail?   
AC: “Yes, and he’s usually a great guy but sometimes he’s so difficult!”   
CT: ~> what color?   
AC: “He’s an annoying guy who types in the ugliest color!”   
AC: “...I guess you could call it mustard.”   
CT: ~> and how old is she supposed to be?   
AC: “Let’s say...six solar sweeps.”   
CT: ~> six solar sweeps d00de!   
CT: ~> how did she live long enough to obtain a moirail?   
AC: “Well she did and it took a lot of hard work and good luck...”   
AC: “...but she worries herself sick over the whole thing!”   
CT: ~> as i would imagine with such a compromised immune system.   
AC: “Anyway..she tells her moirail that she has red blood.”   
AC: “...And her moirail...reacts by...not keeping it...a secret.”   
AC: “and she gets culled.”   
AC: ac asks the viewers “Is the character of the moirail justified in his actions?”   
CT: ~> a moirail must protect his charge.   
AC: “Agreed!”   
CT: ~> but he is correct in having the red bl00d c00lled.   
CT: ~> it is t00 important to the holy Order of alternian society for him to let his personal feelings get in the way of the greater g00d.   
CT: ~> the reason trolls are so STRONG is because we c00ll the weak.   
CT: ~> he can’t let a filthy m00tant red bl00d take up precious resources.   
CT: ~> or even worse, what if the red bl00d somehow manages to mate?   
CT: ~> either two innocent trolls will die or even worse, that red bl00d will contaminate an entire generation!   
CT: ~> order is important, bl00d order doubly so.   
CT: ~> that’s why everyone must wear their bl00d color on their clothes.   
CT: ~> by the way nepeta you really should get an orange shirt before you mature and reach mating age.   
CT: ~> i know it’s a hassle, but if you procrastinate it’ll just mean a longer wait.   
CT: ~> besides it’s not that bad of a color and i think you’ll l00k g00d in it.   
CT: ~> are you still there nepeta?   
AC: yes”   
CT: ~> sorry for monopolizing the conversation.   
AC: ac raves “I was just...disturbed...by the movie.”   
CT: ~> it does sound like a very disturbing premise.   
AC: “...it’s just...there was a lot of blood.”   
CT: ~> you have a slight thing about bl00d, don’t you?  
AC: “I’m not afraid of movie blood!...usually!”   
CT: ~> you shouldn’t watch so many l00rid movies if they disturb you.   
CT: ~> try contemplating the art of the musclebeast.   
CT: ~> i know you’ll say that’s also l00rid but i think there’s a more sophisticated beauty found in the stillness and flatness of paintings than in even the highest cinema.   
CT: ~> take for instance  musclebeast falling down all these stairs   
CT: ~> the many moments of the movement of that majestic animal is caught in one image and we can finally observe the rhythm.   
CT: ~> there is the order found in nature that is amplified by art.   
CT: ~> and again i’m monopolizing the conversation.   
AC: “It’s okay.”   
AC: “Isn’t Equius Zahhak busy with something?”   
CT: ~> yes but it’s always important to make time for your moirail.   
AC: “Thank you.”   
AC: “I’ll let you get on with your life.”

\-- auditoriumCrucifier [AC] ceased trolling  cubistTentacles [CT] \--

> cease being Equius’ moirail   


No, you aren’t going cease being Equius’ moirail, even if it’s only because it would be incredible awkward and futile to break up with him. Yes, let’s stop being moirails because you’ll kill me for my blood. Oh no you are killing me for my blood! What a plot twist! Even if you could find an excuse there still is a stronger reason why you can’t do that. You still have pale feelings for Equius. STRONG pale feelings. Even though you don’t always listen to his advice it makes you feel good to hear it. In response you don’t want him to get hurt. Sure, it would be ironic if that blood worshipper got schoolfed up the bone bulge by a blue blood, but it wouldn’t be ironic in a funny way but in a horrible shaggy caninebeast way that just makes you want to strangle the writer. You must find some way to warn Equius about Sollux Captor without tipping off the Troll or worse, activating Equius’ deferential nature. You wished the postal service worked. Does the postal service even exist anymore? Captor probably has that captured too. You’re also going to continue your investigation. You know it’s dangerous giving that it’s highly likely this Aradia Megido was doing the same thing you were, but you feel it’s your duty. You will risk your life for someone who would kill you if they had the chance. It’s romantic for sure. That’s why they call it romance: because it’s stupid.    

  


  
[](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_T939PEPZZt8w_2DqGKRfxooiSmVgd4d4lGv12tzCpg/edit?hl=en&authkey=CNaMubMO)     



	12. Ambitions

> be the one who cares about protocol   


    Your name is KANAYA MARYAM. You are the QUEEN OF BOOKS!   
    You live in a LIBRARY in a HUGE TREE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS. You have so many books. Most of them are LAW BOOKS but you’ve also started stocking programming manuals. You are always working to IMPROVE YOUR CATALOG SYSTEM to make the library more efficient. Along with books you have also provided a bank of computers for your patrons. NOBODY ACTUALLY COMES to your library since it is in the aforementioned HUGE TREE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE WOODS, which is just as well because you hate PEANUT BUTTER FINGERPRINTS and um, you are just a little bit INCREDIBLE SHY.   
    Despite your shyness, and the fact that your BLUE BLOOD RUNS TEAL, you have the ambition to become a MEMBER OF THE PARLIDIET just like your idol MAGRAT FLAYER. You will ascend to LEADERSHIP and wrestle more power for that governing body. If you can do that, you can CHANGE ALTERNIA FOR THE BETTER. No more caste system, war will be phased out, and there will be actual public libraries! Everyone will be so glad that they’ll praise your name evermore. This is if you get over your shyness. That’s a big IF.   
    You also have some stupid interest in CHEMISTRY. You got into it in the hopes that it might help you pass the PARLIDIET’S informal paper bag test (the bag is filled with blood). Turned out that the existence of a solution that temporarily changes blood color is an urban legend, but you have invented a MORE EFFICIENT METHOD OF MAKING ICE CREAM. That’s at least something.   
    Your trolltag is    
guidelineAuthoress   
and you carefully    
1\. Numerate every line for the purposes of improved reference.     


    Speaking of ice cream, the esteemed gentleman from the City is trolling you. He trolls you this time of evening every week. You could set your clock by it.

> Answer the esteemed gentleman   
    You sit down at the only working computer in the bank. The others are just broken ones used as props. You aren’t THAT committed to your public library roleplay.    


\--    
tangibleAnnihilation [TA]   
has began trolling    
guidelineAuthoress [GA]   
\--

TA: K4MA why must you insist on not being in c4hoots with me?   
GA: 1. Good evening to you, Mr. Captor.   
GA: 2. Please address me as Ms. Maryam in your salutations and don’t refrain from using actual salutations in your correspondences.    
TA: You pux me 4w4y with your stupid dem4nds four protocol but we both know we both h4ve the s4me go4ls together.   
GA: 3. Though I am in accordance with you on the issues of the hemospectrum and the postal system, I decline to share your outlook on lusii guardianship or the quadrant restructuring.   
TA: I don’t know why you’re 4g4inst 4bolixing lusii when you don’t even h4ve 4 lusus of your own.    
GA: 4. Correction to Mr. Captor’s Line #2: I have a lusus, but the creature is inoperative at the time of this writing.   
TA: & you c4n see how useful the dumb ignor4nt cre4ture is in r4ising you.   
TA: & let’s not mention how well the qu4dr4nt rom4nce system is working four you.   
GA: 5. Yes, let us not mention the quadrant romance system and me ever again.   
TA: Even though you insist on h4ving some bullxit re4sons 4g4inst p4rt of my 4gend4 you must 4dmit we both 4gree together th4t our world needs some h4rd reforms.   
GA: 6. Our methodology in obtaining said hard reforms is so different as to make a joint effort completely incompatible.   
GA: 7. To summarize the matter: I plan to work within the system while you plan to annihilate the system.    
TA: Your “system” is the we4k p4thetic P4rlidiet 4 blo4ted body cre4ted to give 4 pl4ce four blue bloods to grief without disrupting 4nything import4nt.   
GA: 8. I am not ignorant of the numerous failings of the governing body known as the Parlidiet, but I will reform that body just as I will reform the world.   
TA: 4t best you might reform one tiny percent of the world.   
GA: 9. At worst you might destroy %100 of the world.   
TA: Oh de4r K4N4   
GA: 10. Ms. Maryam.   
TA: M4ry4m   
TA: 4n unh4tched cluckbe4st struggles in its xell.   
GA: 10a. Is this the egg story again?   
GA: 10b. Because I have received that story, giving it a call number, filed it away, transferred it to a different filing system, misplaced it, searched and found it, and refiled it innumerable times.    
TA: Is th4t humor bec4use if it is 4 joke your rhetoric4l skill 4re leveling up to 4dequ4te.   
GA: 11. Thank you, Mr. Captor, for the underhanded compliment.   
GA: 12. In fact, even with the recent Trollian save log corruption I know I’ve had this same conversation with you innumerable times.   
GA: 13. My answer is the same every time: no, Mr. Captor, I won’t be in cahoots with you.   
TA: Then we must 4gree to dis4gree   
TA: four now.   
GA: 14. Agreed.   
TA: So how h4s your week been?   
GA: 15. I have progressed in achieving a method of classification for the grammar of non-verbal extraterrestrial languages.   
GA: 16. I also killed some phallic baboons that threatened my hive.   
TA: Which method did you use in order to kill them?   
GA: 17. I utilized a trap laced with the pheromones of the phallic baboon in order to lure the aforementioned creature into the interior of the confinement device.   
GA: 18. Addendum to my line #17: You will not get me to tell my secret so easily!   
TA: How could you think I could ever m4n4ge to reproduce the secrets  of the gre4t chemist K4n4ya M4ry4m?   
GA: 19. The application of flattery to my person will assist you in the movement towards every location in the metaphorical sense.   
GA: 20. The previous line is a play on the phrase “flattery will get you nowhere”.   
TA: I got the me4ning 4lre4dy.   
GA: 21. However to be serious, I am afraid that you plan on stealing my inventions for your own nefarious purposes.   
TA: F4ncy you 4ccusing me of ste4ling when there w4s 4 time when you stole from me without my permission.   
GA: 22. Oh, that incident again?   
TA: You did just sn4tch up th4t milk like 4 milk sn4tcher xould.   
GA: 23. Will I forever be known as “Kanaya Maryam: Milk Snatcher” in your eyes?   
TA: 4urthour cert4inly won’t forget th4t moment.   
GA: He stared at me as if he planned to chastise me as if I was his own charge.   
TA: You xould be punixed four your heinous crime.   
TA: I wonder wh4t the l4w s4ys 4bout 4ggr4v4ted milk sn4tching?   
GA: 24. I think the bout of vomiting I suffered afterwards exculpates me.   
TA: It’s 4 good thing th4t 4urthour is such 4 good butler if nothing else.   
GA: 25. Besides which, you do not even partake in your lusus’ unusual mammary excretions.   
TA: I h4ve my uses four it.   
GA: 26. You can utilize the substance produced by your lusus in the procurement of those ice creams you so relish.   
TA: H4H4H4H4 th4t is so silly m4king ice cre4m from lusus milk inste4d of wh4t its usu4lly m4de of.   
GA: 27. I share your laughter at the concept.   
TA: 4in’t we got fun?   
GA: Yes, we do have fun.   
TA: Did you get th4t thing I sent you?   
GA: 28. Mr. Captor means the hoofbeastwhip that was couriered to my hive, I presume?   
TA: Yes I h4d some trouble getting the item th4t you s4id delivered to your hive in the middle of the woods where you live.   
GA: 29. Mr. Captor knows that I am equipped with the strife specibus  bombkind rather than whipkind.   
TA: You didn’t get the joke behind the gift I g4ve you in jest?   
TA: Whip 4s in the member of 4 politic4l p4rty who “whips” the other members into x4pe?   
GA: 30. I understand presently but I think a weapon is a very unorthodox thing to give to someone as a joke.   
TA: My 4ren’t you ungr4teful in the w4y you 4ct tow4rds my gift.   
TA: I suppose now I c4n 4sk four your help in return four me giving you th4t.   
GA: 31. Whether I can return the favor depends entirely on the nature of the said favor you are requesting.   
TA: I w4nt to know more 4bout the hive registry.   
GA: 32. The matter of the hive registry is so simple one does not need to read a lengthy paper on the subject.   
GA: 33. I have prepared a lengthy paper on the subject anyway.   
TA: Just tell me the b4sics.   
GA: 34. Every troll after completing the underground trials is guaranteed hive-dwelling for the rest of their lifetime, however short that may be.   
GA: 35. A troll may have up to one (1) hive at a time unless unless said hive is destroyed fully.   
GA: 36. Restrictions on dimension and decoration apply depending on the hive owner’s blood color and neighborhood.   
GA: 37. A hive in this case consists of four walls and enough room for an adult-sized recuperacoon.   
GA: 38. Barracks, recuperatories, communal hive-stems, cantoments, hasernes and huthives are included in this definition.    
GA: 39. Interestingly enough, the wording of the law makes it unclear as to whether a solid roof is required for the building to be considered a proper hive.   
GA: 40. In    
Tiamat vs. the Bureau of Bullshit that is Stupid   
the court ruled that if there is a roof it must not be located in the hive owner’s bladder.   
TA: The 4ctu4l registry Ms. M4ry4m.   
TA: I’m not the one interested in 4rchitecture.   
GA: 41. Sorry for the digression.   
GA: 42. The Alternian Empire keeps track of all troll hive-dwelling in a document called the hive registry.   
GA: 43. The hive registry lists the location, specifications, and inhabitants of each hive.   
GA: 44. Give that it lists all trolls in the universe not including clones and those that have left the troll species via illegal xenoshenanigans, the entire list is 612 million pages long.   
GA: 45. You can search the document but the index method applied to this list is very counter-intuitive.   
TA: If I were not 4 super 4wesome h4cker but inste4d were some ordin4ry putz how long do you think it would take me to find 4 cert4in hut?   
GA: 46. The hive registry is under the lowest level of classified information at Semi-Protected.    
GA: 47. It would take a while for them to even access the list, though the list is mostly protected by its own unwieldiness.   
GA: 48. How much information does said putz have on the certain hut?   
TA: They know where the loc4tion of the hut is on the ground.   
GA: 49. Exact longitude and latitude?   
TA: Possibly if they were sm4rt enough to check the longitude & l4titude when they were snooping at the loc4tion of the hut.   
GA: 50. The coordinates of the hive in question are more valuable in the search than knowing the name of the resident due to the way the list is set up.   
TA: Even if the n4me h4s been deleted?   
GA: 51. I find it difficult to believe a name could be entirely deleted.   
GA: 52. In any case, if the person finds the hut they could find out a great deal about the resident.   
TA: D4mn.   
GA: 53. What is it that has caused you to utter a singular curse?   
TA: Since you 4re interested in 4 c4reer in politics I 4ssume you h4ve pl4ns on wh4t to do with your enemies?   
GA: 54. If you are referring to the relationship known as kismesissitude I must repeat I do not want to discuss romantic matters.   
TA: No I me4n regular enemies stupid qu4dr4nt m4king everything sound like 4n innuendo.   
TA: You 4ren’t simply going to try & win them over with pretty speeches.   
GA: 55. I am not as naïve about the brutal nature of politics as you mistakenly believe me to be.   
GA: 56. I know there will be colleagues who oppose my agenda in such a forceful way that to not take action against them will leave my position dangerously precarious.   
GA: 57. This is why I, like every other troll on Alternia, nightly engage in exercises to hone my marital skills despite my civilian ambitions.   
TA: You pl4n to grief them?   
GA: 58. Violence is just one of the many tactics I can utilize and it is not the most preferable one.   
GA: 59. I mostly tender my martial skills for defensive purposes.   
TA: I believe bombs 4ren’t very useful four defense in my opinion.   
GA: 60. The optimum defense is to employ an offense.   
GA: 61. Besides, I like throwing things.   
TA: I 4gree th4t violence is 4 terrible t4ctic.   
TA: Violence is just so physic4l!   
GA: 62. Violence is too expected in troll society.   
GA: 63. In dealing with your enemies, it is often better to use subtle psychological attacks rather than simply attempting to harm their bodies.   
TA: Yes when your enemy doesn’t even know you’re enemies but still insist on getting in your d4mn w4y you must use subtlety as oppose to obviousness.   
GA: 64. Yes, you must find and entrap the traitor in a contraption so delicately engineered the victim cannot even perceive a centimeter of its nature.   
TA: Yes let them come cr4wling in movement tow4rds you only to find themselves tr4pped in your tr4p.   
GA: 65. Yes, have them strive vigorously for the destination they naïvely think they desire only for their foolhardy ambitions to cast them into purgatory.   
TA: Yes in the end they will think it w4s 4ll their mist4ke & therefore their f4ult 4fter 4ll.   
GA: 66. Yes but somehow they will now horrible regret ever doubting your potential.   
TA: Yes!   
GA: 67. Yes!   
TA: Yes!   
GA: 68. We aren’t talking about me as the enemy, are we?   
TA: Wh4t no of course not.   
TA: If I were ever to decide to betr4y you I’d send you 4 bouquet first.   
GA: 69. A bouquet?   
TA: Not one of the tr4dition4l bouquets I me4n 4 bouquet of flowers.   
GA: 70. That certainly is thoughtful of you.   
TA: I’ve been looking 4t 4ll these hive registry & I noticed something.   
GA: 71. You accessed the list in such a quickly manner?   
TA: I c4n multit4sk you know.   
TA: It’s 4bout the troll n4med Vrisk4 Serket th4t I’m t4lking 4bout.   
GA: 72. What did you find out about her?   
TA: Seems the girl h4s 4 lot of   
TA: hives in the fire.   
TA:    
  
GA: 73. I don’t get it.   
TA: It’s 4 pl4y on the phr4se “irons in the fire”.   
GA: 74. The word “hives” is not phonetically similar enough to the word “irons” for your couplet to be considered an effective piece of wordplay.   
GA: 75. In addition no one has brought up the phrase “irons in the fire” in association with Ms. Vriska Serket, making the joke rather pointless.   
TA: 4nyw4y xe burns down 4ll her hives & moves to new ones.   
GA: 76. Did the hive registry record the causation of the destruction of her previous hives as arson or a misadventure?   
TA: Does it m4tter when it is obvious to 4nyone who c4n see th4t she burned down those hives herself?   
GA: 77. I do not assume her to be as totally malicious as everyone is so steadfast in concluding to be her essential nature.   
TA: Terezi doesn’t seem to think Vrisk4 is 4ll b4d in her opinion.   
GA: 78. Some would say that Ms. Terezi Pyrope is loud, vulgar, and not as fashionable as she thinks but I hold that such characterizations are unfair.   
GA: 79. Despite what naysayers declare there is evidence she has provided sufficient assistance to Ms. Vriska Sekret despite her no-doubt reasonable refusal to enter a relationship of moirallegiance with the aforementioned Ms. Vriska Sekret.   
TA: Moir4llegi4nce is such 4 h4ssle.   
GA: 80. In the quadrant of moirallegiance, the first party (known as the senior moirail but also generally referred to without any title at all) is compelled by fate to watch over the second party (known as the junior moirail but also generally referred to as simply the moirail) and keep the second party in line so they do not become a danger to themselves or others.   
TA: Yes wh4t you just recited is the diction4ry definition of moir4llegi4nce.    
GA: 81. I apologize for my more stilted than normal rejoinder but in conversations on romance all I can provide is passages from books.   
TA: Don’t worry 4bout it you’re still young enough to h4ve plenty of time to w4ste on rom4nce.   
GA: 82. Thinking back on my nearly six solar sweeps I do not have anything I did not get from a book.   
TA: You 4re the Queen of Books who h4s 4 lot of books in her libr4ry.   
GA: 83. By the way I would like to repeat my statements of gratitude for your gift.   
GA: 84. In this case I am referring to the digital reading device and not the bizarre and rather inappropriate gift of a weapon of flagellation.   
TA: You’re welcome but th4t device w4s 4 mist4ke th4t h4s so m4ny bugs on it.   
TA: I might m4ke 4 better version if I w4s motiv4ted by you c4hootship...   
GA: 85. No.   
TA: Well ok4y then.   
TA: I h4ve to go multit4sk 4nother t4sk but I’ll troll you l4ter.   
GA: 86. Farewell, Mr. Sollux Captor.

\--    
tangibleAnnihilation [TA]   
has ceased trolling    
guidelineAuthoress [GA]   
\--

    This happens every week. It goes:    
ta: join me and together we shall rule the galaxy   
  
ga: never!   
  
ta: so how’s it hanging?   
. Okay so you wouldn’t use that wording but that’s how it goes. You think he proposes cahootship only to avoid that awkward relationship know as friendship. They say friend and enemy is the same word in Alternian. You don’t know why they say it since that saying hasn’t made sense in centuries (since the trolls finally did adopt a word for friend), but people repeat a lot of things that don’t make sense. Still, trolls hate being burdened with other trolls who aren’t in their quadrant and who aren’t going to fill up a quadrant.   
  
    If anyone bothered to put you in their relationship calculations, they would probably be tempted to position you and Mr. Sollux Captor in the Pale Quadrant as an alternative to the tempestuous pairing of Mr. Sollux Captor and Mr. Karkat Vantas, but they would be mistaken. You don’t have those feelings for Sollux. He’s like a perfectly fine broken internal combustion locomotion vehicle you just sent to someone else’s repair shop. Your relationship is friendship.   
    Now Ms. Vriska Serket is another story. Your feelings for her are properly in the Pale Quadrant. You want to help her. You too know what it’s like to live without a lusus, to be alone as a wriggler, knowing your lusus is near but not being able to see them. You can feel her pain. You pity her so hard. You want to take the poor lonely girl into your arms, sharing your temperature together like you’ll share your temperaments, keeping the cold world away from that little girl in such a thin white dress with her black socks falling down revealing her creamy grey territory...   


    Um, you think you lost your destination there. This is no time to be thinking of fashion. Of course you will tell her to wear more appropriate clothes. And later you will chose concupiscent partners based on a no-doubt complicated algorithm that will take into consideration not only the genetic ramifications but the political as well. You suppose you will also have to find concupiscent partners for your moirail. Troll relationships sure are a hassle!   
    Tonight is the night you ask Ms. Vriska Serket to be your moirail. You need to do some more research first. Ha, when are you not doing research?

\--    
guidelineAuthoress [GA]   
began trolling    
gregariousClothier [GC]   
\--

GA: 1. Greetings, Ms. Terezi Pyrope.   
GC: HEY HOW’2 1T HANG1NG 2ENATOR?   
GA: 2. I am doing fine this evening, thank you.   
GA: 3. May I inquire on the whereabouts and well-being of a certain Ms. Vriska Serket?   
GC: 2HE’2 R1GHT HERE   
GA: 4. Really?   
GA: 5. Does she have knowledge that you and I are conversing over the medium of Trollian this present moment?   
GC: YEP   
GC: 1’M CURRENTLY TELL1NG HER YOU’RE TRACK1NG HER EVERY MOVEMENT L1KE AN EXPERT 2N1PER ON THE ROOFTOP 1N THE M1D2T OF AN 1NTEN2E WARZONE OF ROMANCE AND 1NTR1GUE   
GA: 6. Oh no, please don’t!   
GC: THE 2N1PER’2 2TUDY1NG THE AREA OF OPERAT1ON2 CAREFULLY CHECK1NG THE W1ND 2PEED AND D1RECTION LOOK1NG THROUGH THE 21GHT2 POL12H1NG THE 2HAFT OF HER .44 VULGAR1AN WHATEV WA1T1NG FOR JU2T THE PERFECT MOMENT TO   
GC: OH 1 CAN’T DO TH12 TECHNOTHR1LLER CRAP THO2E 6OOK2 ARE 2O 6OR1NG AND 1 KNOW NOTH1NG A6OUT R1FLEK1ND   
GA: 7. Are you really informing her that I plan to shoot her in some metaphorical sense?   
GC: WHAT NO HAHAHA   
GC: 2HE’2 NOT OVER HERE   
GA: 8. Do you have information on her present location?   
GC: HAHA 1 DON’T HAVE A TRACK1NG DEV1CE ON THE G1RL   
GA: 9. You don’t possess an inkling to where your business partner is?   
GC: 2HE’2 PRO6A6LY FLARP1NG OR 2OMETH1NG   
GA: 10. Where is her campaign taking place?   
GC: ON THE 6EACH NEAR HER NEW H1VE   
GA: 11. You failed to consider the news of this new hive might help me solve this mystery?   
GC: HAHAHA 1 GUE22 2O   
GC: HER NEW H1VE 12 NEAR MU   
GC: 2HE WANTED TO 6E CLO2ER TO THAT CUTE 6OUNCER THERE   
GA: 12. She has mating feelings for him?   
GC: OR 2OMETH1NG   
GC: 1 CAN G1VE YOU A MAP TO THE PLACE   
\--    
gregariousClothier [GC]   
sent    
guidelineAuthoress [GA]   
the file “LOL1TA2_2W1NG1NG_PAD.JPEG” --   
GA: 13. My deepest gratitude for your reconnaissance.   
GC: NO PROBLEM FUTURE LEADER   
GC: GOOD LUCK ON YOUR MO1RALLEG1ANCE    
GA: 14. How did you discover that I was seeking a rendezvous with Ms. Serket for the purposes of moirallegiance?   
GC: HAHAHA THE POWER2 OF MEDDL1NG   
GC: COUR2E 1T HELP2 THAT EVERYONE AROUND ME JU2T 6LURT2 THE2E TH1NG2 OUT   
GC: GOD 1 NEED A CHALLENGE   
GA: 15. You don’t harbor any jealousy for me?   
GC: NO 1’M NOT 1NTO VR12KA THAT WAY   
GC: 1 KNOW MY FATE L1E2 EL2EWHERE   
GC: 6E21DE2 1’M TOO PURE FOR JEALOU2Y   
GA: 16. It gladdens me to hear I do not have to face you as a rival.   
GC: LUCKY FOR YOU HAHAHAHA   
GC: 1’LL TELL VR12KA YOU’RE COM1NG OVER   
GA: 17. No don’t!   
GA: 18. I mean, do tell her I plan to pay her a visit before dawn.   
GA: 19. May we converse later when I’m at Ms. Vriska’s hive?   
GC: 2URE 2EE YA LATER

\--    
guidelineAuthoress [GA]   
has ceased trolling    
gregariousClothier [GC]   
\--

Dealing with Ms. Terezi Pyrope can be a hassle, but she is a supporter of your political campaign. She’s your only supporter. You got her vote by promising to abolish the sumptuary laws. Sure she can’t actually vote for you since election to the Parlidiet is internal, but the support of the people is powerful. Especially when the people is armed with a mace. Also, if it weren’t for Ms. Pyrope, you would never have met your darling Vriska.

Oh Mother Grub you don’t think you can do this. You need to read something to fortify you.

  
> look at reading device   


Mr. Captor gave you this reading device titled the KINDREDLE. It randomly pulls up documents from PARADOX SPACE. Unfortunately, it’s hard to keep any of the strange literature that you find. You have managed to save one inspiring work of art. Game walkthroughs aren’t generally know for their stylistic heights but this one was very well-written. However, its not just the well-crafted prose that draws you to this text again and again. The game outlined in this text is no simple time-waster but instead a revolutionary new program that radically changed their world. The author of the game saved the world and confessed love in one fell swoop. You have it easy. You’re only confessing love.       


	13. The Coolness Here

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning in rot13: qvfphffrq ohg hafubja qeht hfr, ubeebe ryrzragf, bss-fperra qrngu bs zvabe BP punenpgre

> go to some place less autistic

    Yeah, this story is seriously lacking in cool. You need to go to climes less sad and silly. What about that MU place everyone’s talking about?   


MU sure is A place. Let’s go inside. You know the bouncer.    


Wow, look at those cool shoes on those perfectly fine legs! And look at those leather pants! They are so chic! They’re made with sea cow leather, so much better than that stupid land cow leather.    


Look at those rings! He has the imperial privilege of wearing jewelry and he wears it well. His strife specibus is even jewelrykind! So cool!   


Look at that club jacket! Speaking of imperial privilege, he’s BEST FRIENDS with the HEIR APPARENT OF THE ALTERNIAN EMPIRE. Yes, friends! It’s like he’s too cool to care about those traditional troll relationships! Though you’ve also heard they may be something other then friends, and they aren’t talking about cahoots. 

Now this troll isn’t like those loser we’ve seen before. This guy must be the penultimate of coolness!

Or maybe not. At least we’re close to coolness here.

> be the bouncer

    Your name is TAVROS NITRAM. You are the COOLER.

> go to respiteblock for the traditional introduction   


    You live in a hive near MU. Unlike most sea troll hives it’s situated in that weird place above the ocean. You chose this location because it’s convenient. It certainly wasn’t because you have trouble swimming with your huge horns.   


Despite your INCREDIBLE HIGH STATUS ON THE HEMOSPECTRUM, you do not hate the land dwellers at all. Not one tiny bit. Not even the annoying ones. You think land and sea dwellers should live in something resembling peace. That’s why you and your BEST FRIEND created the ONLY AMPHIBIOUS DAYCLUB ON ALTERNIA. It was really more of your friend’s idea. If you had known how much work was involved you might not have agreed. 

When you’re not at work, you like to tend to your many interests. You like to engage in the noble practice of ALTERNIAN SLAM POETRY, though you are not as musically inclined as your friend. You especially like the epic saga of the ILLIN’ BAD. You like to play various tactical and strategic CARD AND VIDEO GAMES, especially the ever popular game for mudbloods, FIDUSPAWN. You wish that franchise had more sea creatures. You have a profound fascination with SEALIFE of every kind. You think the vast, diverse ecosystem under the sea is so much better than the boring life topside, uhh, NOT THAT YOU’RE A CHAUVINIST about such things. You are especially fascinated by the LEGENDS OF MERMAIDS, even though they are probably just the hallucinations of sopored-up hillbillies. Uhh,    
elite royal   
sopored-up hillbillies, that is. Sea troll hierarchy is weird. Anyway, you have tons of interests to engage in whenever you’re not working, which is never. Ha, when are you not working? This introduction has to take place in the past just so we could catch you in your hive.

Your trolltag is    
amigoTosser   
and    
you, uh, often START SHOUTING TO BE HEARD OVER THE MUSIC, 

  
> admire mermaid posters

    What marvelous creatures they are! Some cryptobiologists say they are the missing link in the confusing and contradictory chain of troll evolution. They combine the intelligence, craftiness, and thumb-having of trolls with the grace, elegance, and tail-having of the fully aquatic lifeforms. Oh, how exciting it would be if you were one of the chosen few to see such an elusive creature. To wait in a seaduck blind, completely sober, for hours upon hours, until lo! a stunning vision appears. Is it a troll princess? Is it a seacaninebeast? No, it is both and yet so much more! She floats in front of you, her tail playfully batting about, her long hair flowing in the current, her bare acid globes free and buoyant, uh, not that you’re looking at them. You raise your camera to your disbelieving eyes but the mermaid sees you. She gently pushes down your arms and though you cannot talk with this foreign species you understand her meaning right away. You agree: no mere film could capture such beauty. They shoulda sent a poet!

With a flirtatious giggle, the mermaid leads you down, down, down deeper into the ocean, to a place where even sea trolls never dare to go. Down in a rift is a beautiful golden city. This is the hidden empire of the mermaids, and by extension mermen but nobody cares about them. As you marvel at the sights and sounds of this underwater metropolis, you wonder how even a hardy sea troll such as yourself could ever survive such dangerous terrain. As if to answer your unasked question, your mermaid guide lowers her eyes shyly onto your body. You look down and discover your clumsy troll legs have been replaced with a far superior limb. You are now one of them. This is your new hive, and you will never return to the troll world. You have found happiness.

But you wouldn’t be totally devastated if they turned out to be a hoax.

> maintain aquarium   


    There really isn’t much to maintain! Since you are away so often, you’ve set up a complex system to maintain the right PHd level, oxygen level, temperature, and food supply in your aquarium. You have so many exotic and expensive sea creatures in here. You also leave your lusus MADISON in there from time to time. Boy, it sure would be horrible if that complicated machinery failed and doomed not only your prized collection but your beloved lusus as well, wouldn’t it?   


It later fails.   


But enough of that sad stuff, time to descend to business.

> go to the present    
  
    Remember that time when you walked around your respiteblock looking at stuff? Man, that was a great time. Precious memories that will last you a lifetime.    
    Well, you’re at MU now. You’ve been here since yesterday, and you were so busy closing this place up that its now time to open it up again! And this is supposed to be your week off! But hey, whose complaining! You love this place.   
    Right now it’s the Alternian equivalent of three in the morning. Actually, given that trolls are nocturnal its more like three in the afternoon, but that doesn’t fit because no discotheque would be open this early, but then again day is harsher on troll than night is for humans, so everyone would want to get inside earlier, but then isn’t it supposed to be the dark season now so day is like only an hour or so?

Okay, let’s just say it’s three in the morning when she comes in.

  


Oh no it’s her - Lolita Stabanov. Also known as avengingGrub. Also also known as Vriska Serket. Okay, just stay calm and act like she’s a normal guest.

AG: mewmaids awe faaaaaaaaaake!!!!!!!!!!   


She wastes one hour on this tomfoolery. She then leaves as mysteriously as she entered.

The place is mostly quiet. A few early birds trickle in. You are about to pull out your GAMERAIL when a land dwelling friend pops in.

  
AT: hi NEPETA,   
AT: i DON’T SEE YOU HERE, OFTEN,   
AT: or ACTUALLY EVER AT ALL,   
AC: ac raves, “...have been here before...briefly...but...”   
AC: “This is no ordinary visit.”   
AC: ac raves, “If you participate in only one investigation this season, make it...”   
AC: “Wait...was that Lolita Stabanov I saw leaving here earlier?”   
AT: yeah, SHE KEEPS COMING HERE AND, uh, LOOKING AT ME,   
AT: she DOESN’T EVEN TRY TO ENTER THE CLUB,   
AT: i DON’T KNOW WHAT HER DEAL IS,   
AC: ac raves, “This critic...knows that amigoTosser knows what avengingGrubs deal...is.”   
AT: what,   
AC: “ag has a crush...on you!”   
AT: really, IF YOU SAY SO,   
AC: ac asks the viewers, “but what quadrant is it in?”   
AT: you WOULD KNOW MORE ABOUT THAT THAN ME,   
AC: “Don’t underrate yourself!”   
AC: “So...is she just a walk-on role or...has she had any lines?”   
AT: she HAS TOLD ME IN NUMEROUS WAYS, THAT MERMAIDS ARE, uh, OUTSIDE REALITY,   
AC: ac raves “Maybe she’s pale flirting with you?”   
AT: how is THAT PALE FLIRTING,   
AC: “She’s...keeping you from the dangerous pursuit of cyptobiology?”   
AT: like, CT KEEPS YOU FROM THE PURSUIT OF CELEBRITIES, RIGHT,   
AC: “But is she...deluded enough to think she would be the senior in any moirallegiance?”   
AC: “For that matter...who would be deluded enough...to be her senior moirail?”   
AC: “Even gregariousClothier won’t share that quadrant with her.”   
AT: wow, YOU SEEM TO KNOW A LOT ABOUT THAT GIRL WHOSE STALKING ME,   
AT: is SHE REALLY THAT DANGEROUS,   
AC: ac raves, “Don’t worry!”   
AC: “If ag hasn’t stabbed you by this act...she probably won’t ever stab you!”   
AT: uh, that’s COMFORTING, i GUESS,   
  
IB: Hey! fish face! if! you! don’t! stop! gossiping! with! your! girlfriend! and! let! me! into! the! club! I’m! gonna! schoolfeed! this! FIST! up! your! BONE BULGE!    


==>   
  
AT: uh, THE ESTABLISHMENT REGRETS TO INFORM YOU THAT ARE TEMPORARILY BANNED FROM THE PREMISE FOR THE DURATION OF ONE WEEK, please UNDERSTAND THAT THIS DOES NOT CONSTITUTE A KISMESISITUDE WITH ME, DJ TC, OR ANYONE ELSE IN THE UNIVERSE, the ESTABLISHMENT DENIES ANY RESPONSIBILITY FOR and it goes on like that,   
IB: um! okay!   
  
AT: so WHERE WERE WE,   
AC: ac asks the viewers, “Maybe ag is a fan...of the sleeper quadrant?”   
AT: how MANY QUADRANTS ARE THERE,   
AC: “...I mean she has an ashen crush.”   
AT: she WANTS AN AUSPITICE,   
AT: i CAN SEE HER NEEDING ONE, but, DOESN’T THAT TAKE THREE PEOPLE,   
AT: you CAN’T AUSPITICIZE YOURSELF, that’s JUST SAD AND SILLY,   
AC: “Maybe the third party...is somewhere else?”   
AT: like A MERMAID,   
AC: “Now who’s being...sad and silly?”   
AC: “...it’s more like she hates the general concept of mermaids.”   
AT: i might AUSPITICIZE THAT, even IF IT IS SILLY,   
AC: “Come to think of it...”   
AC: ac raves, “In a dayclub...Tavros Nitram is...the professional auspitice.”   
AT: stop it YOU’RE EMBARRASSING ME,   
AC: “True dirt! …you have a way of punching the rage out of people.”   
AC: “Not literally sometimes!”   
AT: i DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT, uhh, HOW THE, uhh, LEFT QUADRANTS WORK, but I KNOW YOU CAN’T HAVE A KISMESIS WITH AN INSTITUTION OF A CONCEPT,   
AC: “...right...that would just splash genetic material everywhere.”   
AT: oh EWWWW,   
AT: do YOU DO THIS WITH FEFERI,   
AC: “Do what?”   
AT: make FUN OF HER JOB, because, AS A MILKMAID, SHE CARRIES AROUND, uh,   
AC: “A pitchfork?”   
AT: hey yeah ANYWAY I DON’T THINK I WANT A RELATIONSHIP WITH HER,   
AT: i THINK,   
AC: “Then at should just...ignore...ag.”   
AT: i HAVE BEEN DOING THAT,   
AT: well, I DID LIKE PLAYING FIDUSPAWN WITH HER THAT ONE TIME,   
AC: ac raves “So it’s up...for your consideration?”   
AT: oh no YOU AREN’T SHIPPING US, are YOU,   
AT: there IS NOTHING MORE HORRIFYING THAN HEARING A GIRL SHIPS YOU,   
AC: “...I’m not entirely sold on the concept...but you could do worse.”   
AC: “Her fighting acumen...is first rate.”   
AC: “She’s pretty...in a Manic Pixie Nightmare Girl sort of way.”   
AC: “...and she’s a land aristocrat..if that’s in your criteria.”   
AT: some would say LAND ARISTOCRATS ONLY CALL THEMSELVES THAT TO CONSOLE THEMSELVES OVER THEIR GENETIC FLAW,   
AC: “Citation, please!”

>remember who would say that

  
AT: and I’M AFRAID I’LL JUST FLIP OUT,   
GA: 39. I can comprehend your pain, Prince Nitram.   
GA: 40. I too often feel the same way.   
AT: but YOU’RE SO POLITE,   
AT: you’re MORE POLITE THAN MOST TROLLS,   
AT: you CALL ME PRINCE WHEN I’M MORE, like, A PAGE BOY,   
GA: 41. This is because I know the value of carefully choosing my words, but there are times when I want to flip out and say something politically incorrect.   
GA: 42. During these stressful periods, I visualize such statements as being expressed by a different person with an entirely different personality.   
AT: so I SHOULD JUST IMAGINE, like, THIS GUY NAMED RUFIO SAYING IT,   
GA: 43. Rufio?   
AT: yeah I DON’T KNOW WHERE I GOT THE NAME,   
AT: it’s PROBABLY NOTHING IMPORTANT,   
GA: 44. I for one have bestowed the appellation Spyro on my separate persona.   
GA: 45. And if I’m still tempted to unleash the dragon, I just prefix my statement with the phrase “some would say...”.   
AT: hey I LIKE THAT IDEA,   
AT: you SAY SOME PRETTY SMART THINGS,   
AT: i THINK YOU ARE READY FOR PARLIDIET,   
GA: 46. I’m glad I could be of service to you, Prince Nitram.   
AT: yeah, IT’S GREAT TALKING TO YOU,   
AT: but, uhh,   
AT: could you PLEASE VACATE OUR VENTILATION DUCT,   
GA: 47. Yes, I suppose my plans to parlay with the heir apparent were ruined when my overactive nerves caused me to abscond into this soothing confinement.   
AT: yeah, some WOULD SAY YOU FUCKED UP,   
GA: 48. By Grub he’s got it!   
AT: what,

> go back to the present

AC: “Were you just indulging in soliloquy there?”   
AT: it WAS MORE LIKE A DIALOGUE, ACTUALLY,   
AC: “...makes sense.”   
AC: ac raves “Fresh scoop! I just remembered why I actually came here!”   
AC: ac asks the viewers “What does amigoTosser know about tangibleAnnihilation (Sollux Captor)?”   
AT: oh no, DOES HE HAVE A CRUSH ON ME TOO,   
AC: “Believe it or not...this is not about romance.”   
AC: “Actually...don’t spoil this to anyone...but I’m investigating a creepynoodle.”   
AT: like THE ONE ABOUT THAT FIDUSPAWN SAVE GAME WHERE THE PLAYER’S NAMED death AND THE SPAWN ARE ALL NAMED ghost AND YOU GO INTO APPLEBERRYBLAST TOWN AND SOME WEIRD TINNY MUSIC PLAYS AND THEN THE SCREEN SAYS you will be culled immediately AND THEN A DEMON POPS OUT,   
AC: “Like that but not stupid.”   
AC: “...why would anyone be afraid of a video game?”   
AC: ac spoiler tags “   
...this is about Aradia Megido.   
”   
AT: oh her, I REMEMBER THAT EMAIL,   
AT: and YOU THINK SOLLUX CAPTOR’S INVOLVED,   
AC: “Do you know that character?”   
AT: you mean, THE COBALT TROLL IN WHITE,   
AT: he COMES HERE SOMETIMES,   
AT: he NEVER GOES TO THE DANCE FLOOR, he JUST RENTS A PRIVATE ROOM,   
AC: “What does tangibleAnnihilation do in that private room?”   
AT: i DON’T KNOW,   
AT: i’m NOT SURE I WANT TO KNOW,   
AT: he’s KIND OF CREEPY, which IS PROBABLY WHY HE’S PART OF THIS CREEPYNOODLE,   
AC: “Why do you typecast him as creepy?”   
AT: well HE WEARS WHITE, and HE HAS A MORBID WAY OF TALKING, THOUGH I CAN’T EXPLAIN IT LIKE YOU COULD, and, uh, HE’S LIKE TWO PEOPLE,   
AC: “Two people?”   
AT: you KNOW HOW YOU CAN KIND OF “SENSE” SOMEONE’S PRESENSE,   
AT: not IN A PSYCHIC WAY, just IN A WAY THAT TELL YOU WHEN YOU’RE IN FRONT OF A PERSON YOU KNOW IT’S A PERSON,   
AT: when HE’S IN FRONT OF ME IT’S LIKE THERE’S TWO PEOPLE THERE,   
AC: ac asks the viewers, “Is tangibleAnnihilation sneaking another person into the club?”   
AT: i DON’T THINK HE’S GOT SOMEONE UNDER HIS COAT, it’s NOT LIKE HE EVEN WEARS A COAT,   
AC: ac raves “...mean in a less tangible way...like an...invisible person?”   
AT: oh no, GHOST ARE COMING INTO THE CLUB,   
AT: i’m TOO RICH FOR MY BLOOD TO DEAL WITH GHOSTS,   
AT: if I WAS A MAROON BLOOD,   
AT: uh, I DON’T KNOW, i FORGOT WHERE I WAS GOING WITH THAT,   
AC: ac asks the viewers, “Does anyone go into the private room with tangibleAnnihilation?”   
AT: oh HE ALWAYS MEETS WITH, uh, NOBODY,   
AC: “Nobody?”   
AT: yeah, NOBODY IS WHO HE ALWAYS MEETS WITH,   
AC: “Is nobody the name of a troll?”   
AT: no, THAT DOESN’T MAKE MUCH SENSE,   
AC: “...neither does the awkward way you’re saying it.”   
AT: well I’M DEFINITELY POSITIVELY SURE HE HAS ALWAYS COME HERE ALONE,   
AT: i THINK,   
AT: yeah, I JUST CHECKED THE RECORDS, he’s WITH NOBODY,   
AC: “You haven’t caught him cahootling with anyone?”   
AT: i HAVE SEEN HIM WITH THIS ONE GUY WHO, uh, WEARS A LONG GREEN COAT and, uh, ALUMINIUM FOIL ON HIS HEAD, FOR SOME REASON,   
AC: “Really?”   
AT: but THOSE TWO ARE DEFINITELY NOT EVEN NOT ENEMIES, i THINK,   
AC: “That’s a relief!...I know that guy and I would be devastated if he was in a redrom with Sollux!”   
AC: “I mean I would be upset if he was working with tangibleAnnihilation.”   
AT: oh cool YOU KNOW KARKAT VANTAS,   
AT: could YOU GIVE HIM A MESSAGE,   
AC: ac raves “Yes!”   
AT: tell him, uhh, HE’S NOT ALLOWED WITHIN 500 YARDS OF THE ESTABLISHMENT, uhh, FOR THE DURATION OF, uhh, FOREVER,   
AC: “...oh.”   
AC: “Well...that’s not a shocking development.”   
AC: ac asks the viewers, “When was tangibleAnnihilation last at this location?”   
AT: a FEW DAYS AGO ON THE    
DATE REDACTED   
,   
AT: nothing IMPORTANT HAPPENED,   
AC: ac raves, “That was the day cattleCalmer...made her debut at MU!”   
AT: there WAS NO FEFERI PEIXES HERE ON THAT DAY,   
AC: “What?”   
AC: ac raves, “cattleCalmer told ac...she came here.”   
AC: “I know MU doesn’t record everyone who comes here but you must have seen her.”   
AT: i DID NOT SEE FEFERI PEIXES HERE ON THAT DAY,   
AC: ac raves, “at...recognizes the work of Feferi Peixes...right?”   
AC: “Brown    
♓   
symbol...straight-ish horns curved outward...very excited?”   
AT: i KNOW WHAT SHE LOOKS LIKE, but,   
AT: there WAS NO FEFERI PEIXES HERE ON THAT DAY,   
AC: “Is at sure he didn’t get the days mixed up?”   
AC: “Was he working...on that day?”   
AT: there WAS NO FEFERI PEIXES HERE ON ANY DAY,   
AC: “Maybe at is confused...from working so much...”   
AC: ac asks the viewers, “How long has it been since amigoTosser got some solid shuteye?”   


AT: there WAS NO FEFERI PEIXES HERE ON THAT DAY!   
AT: feferi PEIXES HAS NEVER BEEN TO MU!   
AT: the BROWN BLOOD LIED TO YOU!   
AT: just STOP ASKING ABOUT IT!   
AC: “...”   


AT: i’m SO SORRY, NEPETA,   
AC: “...you scared me.”   
AC: “You were shouting at me and not just doing that weird voice modulation thing.”   
AT: i DON’T KNOW WHAT GOT INTO ME,   
AC: ac raves, “...just forget this one.”   
AT: forgetting IS GOOD,   


AC: ac raves, “Thanks for the scoop on tangibleAnnihilation.”   
AT: you’re WELCOME, but I REALLY DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT THE GUY,   
AC: ac asks the viewers, “Can at get ac an exclusive with the DJ?”   
AC: “I mean for investigative purposes...he might know more.”   
AT: uhh, NO OFFENSE, but YOU’RE KIND OF THE TYPE OF PERSON, I’M SUPPOSE TO KEEP AWAY FROM HIM,   
AC: “Don’t typecast Nepeta Leijon as a squeeing fangirl!”   
AC: “Nepeta Leijon will not squee!”   
AT: uhh, IT’S MORE THAN YOU JUST BREAKING HIS TYMPANIC MEMBRANE   
AC: “Give ac a chance!”   
AC: ac raves “...has a STRONG moirail who keeps me from being too starstruck!”   
AC: “Equius wouldn’t let me kidnap tc and keep him tied up in my hive so he could only make beautiful music for me!”   
AT: you’re NOT MAKING ME FEEL MORE COMFORTABLE, WITH THE WHOLE SEEING HIM THING,   
AC: “Oh come on!”

>tc: make an unexpected cameo   
  
Oui   
. 

> go to your respiteblock for a traditional introduction

Non   
. 

Your name is GAMZEE MAKARA. You GIVE NO FUCKS.

Your blood is the HIGHEST POSSIBLE ON THE HEMOSPECTRUM, making you the heir apparent and in line to become the ONLY MALE EMPRESS OF THE ALTERNIAN EMPIRE. That doesn’t interest you, though. Instead, you’ve lived your life in the pursuit of DA FUNK. You’ve used all your royal resources to make your hive into the ONLY AMPHIBIOUS DAYCLUB ON ALTERNIA. The club was really more of your BEST FRIEND’S idea. If had known how much fun was involved you would have agreed to do it twice!

MU is not just a discotheque. It’s your WORSHIPTERRIUM. It’s part of your PRIVATE OUTLAW RELIGION which counts you as its ONLY CONGREGANT. You worship a DUO OF MECHANICAL MUSICIANS OF AN IMPUDENT AND FORGETFUL NATURE who speak in a language that DOES NOT EXIST YET. One day they will rise up and share their DIGITAL LOVE with all creatures and everyone will praise their name forever more. This is most verily true.

You also hold much LIGHTER PROPHECIES in your bladder. You know you will not ascend the throne. You have heard the whispers of your lusus. At best there might be EXILE in your future, but there is also threats of ASSIGNATION and BETRAYAL and FRIENDSHIPS FOREVER SUNK. Your future is painfully bright. However, you won’t have to suffer alone.    
Après moi, le d   
é   
luge   
\- and not the kind that’s good for sea dwellers. You deal with this existential crisis the best way how: you GIVE NO FUCKS. 

Your trolltag is    
turntechCaptain   
and    
you liketomixthingsup with your p r i v a t e drawkrab    
langue   


  
TC: jourbon, e v e r y b o d y   
  
The few people in the lobbifoyer are going crazy, especially that gray zesgon whose currently squeeing to her air circulation organs content.

TC: what’sgoingon,    
ma reuf   
?   
AT: gamzee, THIS IS MY FRIEND NEPETA LEIJON,   
AT: she, uhh, HAS SOME THINGS SHE’D LIKE TO ASK YOU,   
AC: “You are the voice of our generation and every generation and you are a friend of the universe the very element of stardust five stars out of five!”   
AT: i DON’T THINK THAT’S REALLY A QUESTION,   


On hearing that incoherent gushing your head starts to swell.   


Literally. 

To keep partying, you take all the drugs the Empire has to offer. Thinkpan scratch, substance D, Rainbow drinkers delight, soma, magic’s fake mushblock, vellocet, nookcandy, triptocane, venlafaxine, snowcrash, melenge, flipout, accela - ALL OF THEM. Well, not sopor slime, that stuff is just a mistake. Sometime it’s not enough to keep away the demon of sobriety. You want a new drug. One that won’t make you sick. One that won’t make you crash your submarine or feel three fathoms deep. Hey, you should write a song about that! Or maybe write a song about ghosts.

Oh yeah where were you.

  
TC: so little    
reus   
whatdoyouwanttoknow?   
AC: ac asks the viewers, “What does turntechCaptain know about tangibleAnnihilation (Sollux Captor)?”   
TC: hmmmm I’m not s u r e whoheis, remindmeTavros?   
AT: the GUY WHO DRESSES IN ALL WHITE WITH A BLUE ♊ ON BOTH SIDES OF HIS SHIRT,   
TC: oh    
le chat blanc   
TC: doeshedance?   
AC: “...I don’t think so.”   
TC: then I don’t know a n y t h i n g about the    
keum   
AC: “....a disappointment...”   


AT: so WHAT BRINGS YOU UP HERE,   
TC: youknow how you’ve been w o r k i n g since yesterday?   
AT: YES,   
TC: couldyoukeepdoingthat? thatwouldbe   
grand   
AT: uh, okay,   
AT: but WHAT ABOUT THE ALTERNATE BOUNCER,   
AT: i mean THE ALTERNATE ALTERNATE BOUNCER,   
TC: oh y e a h that    
keum   
TC: hedead   
AT: oh,   
AT: we REALLY HAVE A STAFFING PROBLEM,   
AT: we NEED TO HIRE, like, SO MANY PEOPLE, but WE’RE, uh, SO DEEP IN THE RED ALREADY, it’s LIKE OUR BOOKS ARE DROWNING IN THIS SEA OF MUTANT BLOOD, i guess CAUSE BOOKS ARE APPARENTLY LAND DWELLERS but EVEN IF THEY WEREN’T THEY’D GET THE BENDS FROM HOW DEEP THIS SEA IS, but HOW DOES THE SEA KEEP FROM CLOTTING OVER and WHY IS IT MADE OF SUCH A RARE BLOOD,   
AT: i THINK, I GOT LOST THERE,   
AT: i DON’T UNDERSTAND HOW OUR ECONOMY WORKS,   
TC: n o b o d y does   
TC: comeonmy   
reuf   
, just r e l a x   
TC: ohwait, youcan’t, my parallel-liner    
ami   
AT: yeah ABOUT THAT,   
AT: there’s A GUY WAITING BY YOUR OFFICE FOR, uhh, THE “tangle buddy special”,   
TC: you’ve checkedhimout?   
TC: he’snota    
feuk   
,    
oui   
?   
AT: is THAT LIKE A keuf OR A lépou,   
AT: backslang OF LANGUAGES THAT DON’T EXIST YET CAN BE CONFUSING,   
TC: Imean will he get us in t r o u b l e?   
AT: no HE’S COOL,   
TC: he’s    
chébran   
?    
bon   
TC: what does this    
keum   
l o o k like?   
AT: he HAS A PURPLE Δ   
9    
GLYPH ON HIS SHIRT,   
TC: I’ll go h e l p the    
reuf   
out   
TC:    
au revoir   
!

    You leave. Your best friend continues talking with the gray    
zesgon   
.

You go to the door of your office, as the highbloods like to call their exhaustionchambers. Outside is the    
keum   
Tavros was talking about.  

Ah yes, he’s a sea dweller. That’s good for your purposes.    


  
TC: areyouthe    
looc keum   
whowantsto    
pecho   
?   
ÞC: if thAt NoNseNse MeANs iM the cool dude lookiNg to score theN yep   
TC: that’s my m e a n i n g   
TC: mynameis...a c t u a l l y if you don’t know my name then you’re toofuckedup for this   
ÞC: MAN totAlly   
ÞC: you waNt to kNow whAt My NaMe is   
TC: don’tgiveafuck   
ÞC: cool Me Neither i hAve A reAlly stupid NAMe ANd trolltAg   
ÞC: i MeAN whAts the letter Þ supposed to MeAN ANywAy   
TC: follow me and we’ll get d o w n   


ÞC: MAN i hAte to see you leAve but i love to watch you go   
ÞC: just kiddiNg AlwAys wANted to sAy thAt   
ÞC: MAN iM Not hittiNg oN you   
TC: areyou quadrant e m p t y?   
ÞC: MAN totAlly   
TC: no moirallegiance?   
ÞC: MAN i got No NAggiNg bitches All up iN My grill tryiNg to tie Me dowN   
TC: noonewho c a r e s about you?   
ÞC: NAh Not eveN My lusus gives A shit hes AlwAys sleepiNg    
ÞC: Not like he could grief for Me hes just A seAMoNkey   
TC:    
bon   
ÞC: MAN Are you hittiNg oN Me becAuse well i would love to   
TC:    
non   
ÞC: MAN thAts cool i reAlly didNt thiNk youd be iNterested iN Me becAuse you Are so fuckiNg high oN the heMospectruM youre like god    
TC: Iam s o fucking h i g h   
ÞC: but iM Not coMpletely devAstAted   
ÞC: i MeAN MAN its AN Awfully big world ANd this tiMe iM oN My owN but   
ÞC: i Might just MAke it oN My owN   
ÞC: yeAh MAN iM goNNA MAke it oN My owN   
  
He continues like this for sometime.

ÞC: but reAlly you do hAve A greAt pygiduMtAil pArdoN My low blood   
TC: there’s an amphibious lock ahead, areyouokay with entering the w a t e r?   
ÞC: MAN of course iM okAy gettiNg wet iM A glubbiNg seA dweller   
ÞC: No offeNse to your philosophy but i AM totAlly 100% uNderwAter   
ÞC: My ANcestor probAbly didNt eveN kNow whAt the sky wAs   
ÞC: MAN i bet My ANcestor wAs the best seA troll ever ANd No oNe Messed with hiM ANd everyoNe wANted to be up iN his quAdrANts   
ÞC: MAN who do you thiNk youre ANcestor wAs   
TC: p r o b a b l y an empress   
ÞC: oh yeAh thAts right   
ÞC: MAN thAt stuff is for wrigglers aNywAy whAt you got to thiNk About is your desceNdANts   
ÞC: MAN i AM goNNA hAve toNs of desceNDANts   


Being underwater doesn’t slow him down.

ÞC: MAN doNt get Me wroNg iM Not eveN thAt big of A pArtier   
ÞC: i bArely do ANythiNg At All    
ÞC: still MAN iM fixiNg to get My life together ANd iM goNNA kick toMorrow   
ÞC: yeAh iM goNNA kick toMorrow   
ÞC: i just wANNA go out with A bANg or At leAst A reAlly Nice whiMper   
ÞC: MAN this is goiNg to be MiNd blowiNg right   
TC: youcansaythatagain    
reuf   
ÞC: good becAuse iM Not pAyiNg    
ÞC: whAt AM i pAyiNg AgAiN for this   
TC: n o t h i n g   
ÞC: MAN reAlly cAuse i gAve this oNe guy A whole suitcAse full of MoNey to give to you oh shit   
TC: yeah that    
chelou keum   
totallyscammedyou   
ÞC: MAN iM doNe with sergio   
ÞC: but iM kickiNg hiM toMorrow   
ÞC: ill hAve pleNty of tiMe lAter   


The moron continues to babble.

ÞC: MAN how big is this plAce   
ÞC: i MeAN Are we still iN MU ANyMore   
ÞC: weve AlreAdy trAvelled A distANce greAter thAN the eNtire club   
ÞC: MAN iM Not the one whose cAres About Architecture but youve got me woNderiNg whAt the hell bluepriNts of this plAce look like   
ÞC: were they priNted oN A scroll the size of A MusclebeAsts doNg   
ÞC: you could MAke A bouquet out of those bluepriNts   
ÞC: MAN you Must hAve AN ArMy of cArpeNtry dRoNes   
ÞC: celebrity like you Must hAve on cAll like whAts his NAme hes wAs iN thAt Movie where soMeoNe wAs off AN AeroNAutic vehicle   
ÞC: speAkiNg of plANes i doNt thiNk the oNes iN this hAllwAy Are right   
ÞC: iM No MAthMAtricAN but AreNt pArAllel liNes supposed to Never coNverge   
TC: don’t look and you won’t see the l i n e s   
ÞC: yeAh youre right   
ÞC: A cool guy like you should be Able to hAve aNy geoMetry he wANts iN his hive   
ÞC: but still i got to say youve got A big hive ANd Most of it is this dAMN hAllwAy   
ÞC: Are you coMpeNsAtiNg for soMethiNg   
TC: . . .   
ÞC: MAN No of course youre Not sorry for sAyiNg thAt   


This is almost making you sober.

ÞC: MAN its dArk iN here eveN for A NocturNAl species which we totAlly Are   
ÞC: this isNt NorMAl dArkNess this is super plus preMiuM dArkNess   
ÞC: how do you get All this dArkNess iN here   
ÞC: ANd this is so fAr dowN the desceNt could kill A MerMAid   
ÞC: Not thAt MerMAids Are reAl or thAt iM hAviNg ANy trouble   
ÞC: MAN could you slow dowN yeAh we get it youre A MAgNetA blood you could swiM through the plANets core   
TC: I have time, I can s l o w  d o w n   
ÞC: MAN thAts greAt hAlf A kNot out of A huNdred    
ÞC: well At leAst you tried to pAtroNize Me   
ÞC: but i shouldNt be coMplAiNiNg cause you Are scoriNg Me A cAsk of AMoNtilAdo   
TC: caskofamontilado?   
ÞC: i MeAN tANgle buddy speciAl i doNt kNow why i sAid thAt   
ÞC: though i do hAve A pressiNg Need for sweet ferMeNted grApe liquid AdulterAted with distilled spirits   
ÞC: seriously its iN My syllAdex Not thAt aNyoNe Asked   
TC: we’re almost t h e r e   
ÞC: MAN sorry i tAlked so Much thAt just hAppeNs wheN iM Nervous   
ÞC: or wheN i feel like tAlkiNg A lot   
ÞC: MAN i just reMeMbered i used thAt lAMe wAlkiNg AwAy liNe oN sergio   


TC: here’sthelock, my    
relou reuf   
TC: just slid on in for some e s c t a s y   
ÞC: MAN this is greAt   
ÞC: you Are the best troll ever   
TC: thatismostverily t r u e   
ÞC: see you lAter MAN

> ÞC: Ascend   


You break on through to the other side. The lock closes behind you.   


You are now alone in a large open space. You have no idea where you are. There is absolutely no light, no sound, and almost no heat. You pray to Mother Grub you haven’t been cheated.   


After a moment you start to hear a sound. You have no idea what the sound is at first but as it slowly crescendos you can make out a high-pitched singing, like the singing of wrigglers. After listening closely to the singing, you realize it’s not in another language. Instead, the voices are so laughable simple even a deaf troll could understand them. The singer sings about friendship, not the embarassing troll disease, but the true emotion that binds every living thing. The blast of the music collapses your Trollian mental walls and then complete wipes them away. The vestigial hivemind in your think pan is activated. There is a warmth you know doesn’t come from the brackish waters. You are happy. Truly, unbelievably, and untrollishly happy. You are not alone. You are a friend of the universe.   


YOU’RE HAVING A FRIENDSHIP ANEURYSM   


You cannot be ÞC anymore because he is currently having his mind slowly devoured by Gl’bgolyb, also known as the Rift’s Carbuncle, Emissary to the Horrorterrors, Speaker of the Vast Glub, and Gamzee’s mom.   
TC:    
maman   
has such a l o v e l y voice   
TC: glub

> be someone with mystery senses   
  
AC: “...you see, being flushed is cutting your    
own   
hand off.”   
AT: oh THAT MOVIE MAKES SO MUCH MORE SENSE NOW,   
AT: wow WE SHOULD REALLY TALK MORE OFTEN,   
AC: “...my moirail doesn’t approve.”   
AT: yeah I DON’T GET THAT,   
AT: wouldn’t HE LIKE YOU BEING NICE TO HIGHBLOODS,   
AC: ac raves “...there’s the whole land vs. sea issue...plus he’s afraid I’ll say the wrong thing and you’ll flip out and cull someone.”   
AT: i DON’T THINK ONE LAND DWELLER COULD MAKE ME A, uh, MEAN GUY,   
AC: “...but you’re familiar with cubistTentacle’s character...”   


You thought you just heard the sound of someone screaming in an unfathomable mix of agony and ecstasy, only to be silenced forever. 

You wonder where TC sampled    
that   
from.   

  


  
[](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_T939PEPZZt8w_2DqGKRfxooiSmVgd4d4lGv12tzCpg/edit?hl=en&authkey=CNaMubMO&pli=1)   


  



	14. THAT DAY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning in rot13: ivbyrapr

> be Vriska’s senior moirail   


You are currently in the process of fulfilling that command and this rude insistence is causing you to utter a minced oath to a magic human who does not exist yet!   
  
It is dawn and you are at the land aristocrat’s castle. You stand before your darling Vriska. She stands before the romantic if incredibly dangerous sun. She is so breathtaking. You need to tell her something.   


You need to tell her to never stand in front of a bright light while wearing white. That should be your first command when she becomes your moirail.   


She slowly turns around to face you. Good. You haven’t startled her. She has foreknowledge of your visit. She greets you in her customary manner.   


AG: hewwo twee bown kettwe giw1!

It’s a long story.

GA: 1. Good morning, Ms. Vriska Serket, I have travelled to this destination to partake in congress with you.   
AG: 10l you hewe to pway a game with 10lita?   
GA: 2. I am not here for recreational purposes but rather to discuss a matter of feelings.   
AG: bewieve in MIRACLES and youw feewings wiww fwwwwwwwwwy!   
GA: 3a. That’s adorable!   
GA: 3b. Though it doesn’t make much sense.   
AG: one day it wiww coppew kettwe wady.

GA: 4. Vriska, I

>advance

  
=======>   


> and later...

AT: i’m, uh, NOT EVEN SUPPOSED TO BE HERE, uh, YESTERDAY,  
Treasurer of the  **L** olita  **O** riginal  **L** oathing  **A** lways  **C** razy  **a** vengingGrub  **U** nrequited  **S** ocial  **T** roop: ₤uck¥ ฿a$tard!

[](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_T939PEPZZt8w_2DqGKRfxooiSmVgd4d4lGv12tzCpg/edit?hl=en&authkey=CNaMubMO)


	15. Contact

> be Nepeta YET AGAIN

Oh, you think you have this story figured out? You think you know the pattern? Well, we aren’t going to go to Nepeta. We’re going to an entirely different troll.   
  
    Your name is AHRISU RANDOM. You used to live next door. You have many interest such as algorithms...oh forget this, let’s just be Nepeta.    


\--  amigoTosser [AT] began trolling  auditoriumCrucifer [AC] \--   
AT: uhh, HELLO, NEPETA,   
AC: ac raves, “and amigoTosser arrives on the scene!”   
AC: “Can we get an establishing shot?”   
AT: uhh, i’m IN THE HOSPITAL,   
AC: “Oh la di dah...the hospital!”   
AT: sorry, I WASN’T REALLY SCHOOLFED THE, uh, LOWBLOOD TERMS FOR THESE THINGS, so I DON’T ALWAYS KNOW,   
AC: “You know what the lowblood word for hospital is?”   
AT: what,   
AC: “The gutter...where you wait for the culling drones!”   
AT: oh wow, SORRY,   
AC: “No...not your fault...Tavros Nitram doesn’t have creative control over that fiasco.”   
AC: ac raves, “It’s good news...that at is in the hospital.”   
AT: it IS,   
AC: “No...made a bomb...mean it’s good you have a hospital...otherwise it’s terrible.”   
AC: ac asks the viewers, “Why is amigoTosser (Tavros Nitram) in the hospital?”   
AT: vriska STABBED ME,   
AC: “Where?”   
AT: at MU   
AT: i MEAN,   
AT: at THAT PLACE BETWEEN MY LEGS AND MY TORSO,   
AT: but NOT, uhh, THAT PLACE,   
AT: and ALSO MY LEG,   
AT: alot OF PLACES REALLY,   
AT: anyway THAT’S REALLY ALL THERE IS,   
AT: to REPORT ON THE SUBJECT,   
AT: of ME GETTING HURT,   
AC: “Wow.”   
AC: “at and ag...are an item now?”   
AT: what NO WE AREN’T,   
AT: stupid QUADRANTS MAKING EVERYTHING SOUND LIKE AN INNUENDO,   
AC: ac raves, “But it does sound like avengingGrub has a black crush on you.”   
AT: actually WHEN SHE WAS, uhh, GRIEFING ME, she said SHE “<3” ME, but i “BETRAYED” HER,   
AC: “Really?”   
AT: well, IT WAS MORE LIKE “<3333333333” and “BETWAAAAAAAAAAYED!”   
AC: ac raves, “...mystery solved.”   
AT: speaking of MYSTERY, I WAS THINKING ABOUT THAT CREEPYNOODLE THING,   
AC: “Don’t say her name!”   
AC: “...or his name!”   
AT: wow, SO THIS IS LIKE THOSE BOOKS WITH THOSE MAGIC WRIGGLERS and THE EVIL SORCERER WHAT-HIS-NAME,   
AT: uhh, I’M NOT THE ONE WHO CARES ABOUT WIZARDS AND MAGIC,   
AT: i HAVE NO IDEA WHO THAT ONE WOULD BE,   
AC: ac raves, “...not magic...just a really advanced technology user.”   
AC: “That’s why I had to talk with you...in person.”   
AT: oh BECAUSE I KNOW SOMEONE WHO MIGHT KNOW SOMETHING ABOUT, uhh, SOMEONE,   
AT: but IT MIGHT BE HARD TO, uhh, SEE HER IN PERSON,   
AC: “Spoil me...anyway.”   
AT: her NAME IS KANAYA MARYAM, and HER TROLLTAG IS guidelineAuthoress,   
AT: she’s PRETTY NICE, like me, BUT SHE’S KIND OF A LONER, even FOR A TROLL,   
AT: i THINK SHE MAY KNOW THE GUY YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT, but NOT TOO MUCH,   
AC: “Thanks for the...lead?”   
AC: “Hope everything goes all right with you.”   
AT: don’t WORRY, I MANAGED TO LIMP TO GAMZEE’S OFFICE and INFORM HIM I NEEDED TO TAKE SOME TIME OFF, so HE WOULDN’T BE LEFT HANGING,   
AT: i WAS GOING TO GO GET A CUSTODIAL DRONE TO CLEAN UP ALL THE BLOOD but UNFORTUNATELY I, uhh, PASSED OUT BEFORE I COULD DO THAT, and THEN I WOKE UP HERE,   
AC: “...don’t think you’re supposed to move after getting injured.”   
AT: yeah YOU’RE PROBABLY RIGHT,   
AT: jeez i HOPE I DIDN’T MAKE a HORRIBLE MISTAKE,   
AC: “Well...I’m not the one who cares about medicine...”   
AC: “...amigoTosser will probably be all right.”   
AT: uhh, DIDN’T YOU SAY VRISKA PROBABLY WOULDN’T STAB ME,   
AT: uhh, NOT THAT I BLAME YOU or ANYTHING,   
AC: “...didn’t know amigoTosser would betray avengingGrub.”   
AT: i DIDN’T BETRAY HER,   
AT: i DON’T KNOW WHAT SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT,   
AC: “...it is a mystery.”   
AT: oh THE MEDISISTER IS COMING IN WITH SOMETHING FOR ME,   
AT: oh MY GOD, NO,   
AC: “What is...it?”   
AT: it’s a BOUQUET,   
AT: a REAL BOUQUET,   
AC: “Boxoffice Boffo!”   
AT: it’s HUGE,   
AT: and it, IT LOOKS HOMEMADE,   
AC: “That...gift...doesn’t sound like the Captain’s style.”   
AC: “....more like my moirail’s style...but he wouldn’t give you a bouquet.”   
AT: the MEDISISTER IS PRESSING THE CARD AGAINST THE MEDICOCOON,   
AT: i KNEW IT, i THINK,   
AC: “What does the card say?”   
AT: “i WANT TO HUG AND KISS,”   
AT: “aren’t YOU GLAD I MISS?”   
AT: “<33333” and it goes on like that,   
AC: “...I don’t think it’s a mystery who sent that.”   
AT: and SHE ALSO DREW SOME PICTURES, but uhh, THE MEDISISTER THINKS I SHOULDN’T SEE THEM, because I’M ONLY 5 SWEEPS,   
AC: “Tell her Tavros Nitram’s...almost six sweeps!”   
AT: yeah AND SHE’S ONLY, like, EIGHT SWEEPS, and SHE’S LOOKING AT THEM,   
AT: and now LOOKING AT ME,   
AT: and now LOOKING AT THEM AGAIN,   
AT: and now SHE’S TURNING GREEN, uhh, BECAUSE SHE’S A GREEN BLOOD,   
AT: blue GREEN BLOOD,   
AT: i DON’T THINK I WANT TO SEE THOSE DRAWINGS,   
AC: “...do want.”   
AT: oh and NOW THE MEDISISTER NOTICED ME and she SAYS I SHOULDN’T HAVE MY PDA IN MY MEDICOCOON,   
AC: ac raves, “at should be sleeping...plus that liquid can’t be good for electronics.”   
AT: yeah YOU’RE PROBABLY RIGHT but I CAN’T RELAX even WITH THESE stupid DRUGS THAT JUST MAKE ME LOoopy,   
AT: oh and now THE MEDISISTER SAYS I SHOULD STOP TYPING,   
AT: like RIGHT NOW,   
AT: like RIGHT THIS MOMENT,   
AT: like RIGHT AT THIS LINE, she MEANS IT BUSTER,   
AT: and NOW SHE’S TURNING UP THOSE STUPID DRUGS,   
AT: bye before I PASS out,

amigoTosser [AT] has ceased trolling  auditoriumCrucifier [AC]   


auditoriumCrucifier [AC] began trolling  guidelineAuthoress [GA]

AC: ac raves, “Greetings...to guidelineAuthoress (Kanaya Maryam)...introducing...auditoriumCrucifier (Nepeta Leijon)!”   
GA: 1. Who are you and how did you get my trolltag?   
AC: “...got the trolltag from amigoTosser (Tavros Nitram).”   
AC: “...and I already said who I was.”   
GA: 2. Prince Nitram has failed miserable in his vocation as doorkeeper if he’s spreading my Trollian handle to random strangers.   
AC: ac raves, “amigoTosser...wasn’t casted as your doorkeeper.”   
AC: “Besides...thought you were friends...well, acquaintances.”   
GA: 3. Is Prince Nitram in good health?   
AC: “He’s in the hospital with a stabbed hip.”   
GA: 4. Oh just damn it all!   
GA: 5. The delirious urchin went and did it!   
AC: “Did what?”   
AC: “Are you talking about Vriska Sekret?”   
GA: 6. And I log onto my personal computer only to find her name on the lips of strangers.   
GA: 7. The pedestrians on the cyberstreets are already gossiping about her rampage.   
AC: “Rampage?...was there another victim?”   
GA: 8. She did not just assault me, but delivered a proficient pugilist into the arms of medical care.   
AC: “avengingGrub assaulted you?”   
GA: 9. At least he is high-hatched enough to recuperate in a hospital facility.    
GA: 10. I had to linger at the bottom of a cliff for someone to come and palliate my wounds before the culling drones arrived.   
AC: “She threw you...off a cliff?”   
GA: 11. No, she simply punctured my optical cavity with her dagger.   
GA: 12. While trying to get my barrings I stumbled backwards off the cliff.    
AC: “Yes...those events were totally separate...and not at all cause and effect.”    
GA: 13. Are you using sarcasm with me?   
AC: “...thought you were being sarcastic.”   
GA: 14. You think I do not know about cause and effect.   
GA: 15. You think I was the one who antagonized Vriska and made her do what she did.   
AC: “...guidelineAuthoress would know more...about what happened...in that scene.”   
GA: 16. You think I planted into her think pan those paranoid delusions of a matespritship cahooting between myself and Nitram.   
AC: ac raves, “...that’s why ag thinks at betrayed her.”   
AC: “...mystery solved!”   
GA: 17. You are just like Ms. Pyrope.   
GA: 18. Even though she pronounced nothing on the matter while tending my injuries I knew she thought it was my own damn fault.   
GA: 19. Who knew she could be so obnoxious even in those rare moments when her mouth is not ajar?   
AC: “You know Terezi?”   
GA: 20. Yes, everyone knows Terezi Pyrope, as she informs us of this pertinent fact every fifteen minutes.   
GA: 21. We are not here to compare chumprolls.   
GA: 22. For that matter, why are you trolling me?   
AC: ac raves, “...It is actually to compare chumprolls.”   
AC: ac asks the viewers, “Does guidelineAuthoress know a blue male troll who wears all white and has a double I glyph...doubled?”    
GA: 23. Quoting AC’s line #19: “ac asks the viewers”?   
GA: 24. Who is this mysterious third party to whom you are addressing this inquiry?   
AC: ac raves, “It’s just a quirk!”   
AC: “Is ga...with her numbers...setting up a count down...”   
AC: “...backwards?”   
GA: 25. I am not in any sort of mood to deal with unusually framed questions about my acquaintances.   
GA: 26. I am not going to disclose Mr. Captor’s contact information like Mr. Nitram did so impudently with mine.    
AC: “Don’t actually say his name!”   
GA: 27. I am also not going to participate in your paranoid over-mantlegarment and dagger games.   
GA: 28. I do not want to talk about daggers at all ever.   
GA: 29. I have radiation poisoning from lying helpless on the beach, a splitting headache from the fall, only one eye after the other was scooped out with a melon-baller, and I had to spend time with Terezi Pyrope!   
AC: “...not my fault.”   
GA: 30. And now I am having difficulties with my monitor.   
GA: 30b. And with my world.   
AC: “Are you okay?”   
GA: 31. Oh god that stupid drain bamage she was wrong I knew I would not be all right.   
GA: 1. Damnit 2. Damnit 3. Damnit 4. Damnit 6. Jamnit 7. JT!

guidelineAuthoress [GA] has ceased using Trollian for the duration of forever   
  
Wow!

  
What a bitch!

Let’s check our chumproll. Feferi’s out, but she’s been out a lot lately, plus she been awfully cagey. Equius is online. You hope he got your message. Wait, he sent you a message.

cubistTentacles [CT] began trolling  auditoriumCrucifier [AC] (offline)

CT: ~> nepeta we need to talk.

cubistTentacles has become an idle chump!

CT: ~> disregard that i suck bulge.

cubistTentacles  has become an idle chump!

That’s...not good. You try and use other methods of contact (including thinking really hard at him) but they fail. You must contact him in person.

  


  


  
  
  


  



	16. #FMML

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning in rot13: qvfphffrq qeht hfr, fhvpvqr bs zvabe BP punenpgref

> be the super spy thingy

Okay, you can be him, but don’t call him a “super spy thingy”. Call him something more dignified, like, say, a “flipped-out ninjeer”.

>go to respiteblock for introduction   


We go back to an earlier time, but only by a few hours. You have just woken up from the first sleep you’ve had in a couple of nights. Trolls don’t need to sleep every day but they can get very sloppy if they go without. You need your sleep. Not that you could rest completely without checking on what was happening upstairs every few hours, as well as keeping track of what was happening on this floor.    


By the way this isn’t your hive. When you have mind manipulation powers the world is your hotel. You just enter someone’s mind and they let you enter their hive. You can carry out your missions far away from your hive without paying for a hotel. Given that Alternia has no hotels this is a very good thing. It’s harder finding a host in the highblood areas, but you manage. Trolls may tend to be more psychically resistant in relation to how high their blood is on the hemospectrum, but that doesn’t mean you can’t use your psychic powers on high bloods. In fact sometimes it’s easier, because they think they’re immune and never bother to prepare themselves. This also means you can’t always manipulate low bloods.   
    Well, time to take a shower. Or an ablution session. You’re close enough to the middle of the spectrum that it’s sometimes hard to figure out what term to use.   
  
  
  


==>

  
Your name is NOT IMPORTANT. You are on a MISSION FROM MOTHER GRUB.   
    In your PAST LIFE you had interests and hobbies like every other wriggler. You also had a RAVENOUS SPIDER LUSUS. When you were four sweeps old, you prayed for someone to TAKE CARE of your lusus. When you woke up, your lusus was gone. In her place was a MAGIC CUE BALL. A lusus lost, but a JOB GAINED.    
    Your job mostly consists of visiting select trolls and giving them UNWANTED ADVICE. Usually this advise consists of telling them to KNOCK IT OFF. If they don’t follow your advice, you TAKE CARE of them. You have become very good at TAKING CARE of people. You could say on this planet you act as a PROFESSIONAL SENIOR MOIRAIL. You could also say you go around killing people.   
    Your trolltag is    
capableAdvisor   
and you talk    
with a very ennigmmatic and f-in nnasal accennt

Okay, time to descend to business.   
  


No fucking orange juice? And look at all these sodas! This is a pretty crappy drink selection here. No wonder this guy was so easy to manipulate with such a poor diet. He’s flooding his think pan with sugary carbonated swill. It makes you sick.

  
  
    You’ve done this so much with so many trolls the orange growers should give you a kickback.    
    You make yourself breakfast (no oinkbeast), eat it, and of course clean up. You leave the hive, and then remove your control from your host. He will not remember what happened last night. No, that does not contradict what was said earlier about psychics and memory manipulation. Psychics have no power over the memories already in their targets minds or their future ability to create memories, but they can cause blackouts. Or whiteouts. Whatever the term is.

Okay, time to ascend to business.

Your target is one Sollux Captor, a.k.a. tangibleAnnihilation. He is a master hacker and has used his worms to squick where he shouldn’t. He’s a fluorite farmer, a whitemailer, a habbo closer, a beetle embezzler, a redrum runner, a possible murderer, and is generally in bad taste. His crimes have caught the attention of Mother Grub. He has caught your attention. He is your enemy. He is your fated enemy. And he is right behind that door waiting for you.

Okay, so technically only his ubiquitous lusus is behind that door. (How does that thing milk itself? It would be a work of art to see that.) Captor is probably on a higher floor where your vision eightfold doesn’t reach. With his high blood color, anti-psychic devices, and fucking thick skull, you can’t read his mind, but you know he hasn’t left his hive for over seven nights. He is in that hive and you have a mission to do. It’s time to hurry up...

 

… and wait.

Like almost every job that’s really awesome and cool, there is a lot of downtime. It’s the way life goes. Not everything is going to be the nonstop thrill ride movies and now television shows depict the life of a secret agent to be. You aren’t always going to be driving fast internal combustion engine vehicles through exotic locations in gambling entertainment centers where you’re served diluted grain alcohol flavored with herbal flavor fermented grape liquid by beautiful long-legged female trolls painted in metallic ointments that suffocate them and leave them in a recuperacoon as warning. Sometimes it’s like this, and that is perfectly all right with you. These stakeouts give you time to ponder the important things in life.

Hmmm, in the television show “The Troll from M.O.I.R.A.I.L.S.-M.A.T.E.S.P.R.I.T.”, what was the full name of their organization? You know the P stands for Parlidiet but what’s the rest? If only you could look it up but you have to be careful about your internet usage around this guy. You’d probably just end up wasting your time reading fanfiction until he sneaked up behind you and clubs you with his fucking crossbow. Still, that little trivia question’s going to bug you all night. What was that acronym?

  
> shut up and do a cool pose at least 

Nonexistent magical human, okay!   


Time to rock out with your legendary Lucky Punk revolver. Oh yeah!   


 

Of course you really aren’t suppose to hold a gun in a side grip like this. You can’t aim properly if you can’t see the sights, and the recoil will push your gun sideways causing you to spin in a circle like a moron, plus you really shouldn’t point your gun at anything you don’t plan on shooting. This doesn’t hold with all gunkind strife specibi for instance four thousand solar sweeps ago on the eastern continent during the civil war the side grip was called “bannedgand shooting” because oh shit he’s behind you.

Great. The first time you met your potential kismesis face to face and you’re busy menacing a window. Fucking first impressions never work out.

  


  
TA: Sorry I c4ught you pl4ying with your gun in your h4nd in 4 w4y th4t isn’t using the we4pon four we4pon purposes.   
CA: i was waitin for you to comme joinn decennt troll society   
TA: Oh ye4h I c4me out here to give you the good news th4t you’ll like th4t I’ve decided to quit being 4n 4wesome powerful h4cker & decided inste4d to be 4 good little Mother-Grub-fe4ring musclebr4ined idiot.   
TA: No w4it th4t’s b4d news four you bec4use th4t me4ns you won’t be 4ble to st4lk me by st4ring through my w4lls like 4 d4mn filthy pervert!   
CA: so why did you stop suckin on your lusus nnipples lonng ennough to lurch out here?   
TA: I h4ve 4n import4nt note four you.   


CA: jt!   
    If this were a movie that attack would give you a nosebleed.   
  


This isn’t the movies. Augh. Thank god you didn’t have orange juice this morning.

TA: I see you 4re not the type of psychic who c4n see into the future otherwise you would h4ve seen th4t coming or r4ther he4rd th4t coming.   
CA: what the f- was that?   
TA: I modified 4 toy bosun whistle to...   
CA: i mmeann the whole mmakin mme vommit thin   
CA: that was black flirtin   
TA: I don’t know 4bout you but I don’t suffer from the fetix known 4s emetophili4 bec4use I don’t like vomit!   
CA: yeah laugh but there was nno poinnt inn commin out here just to deliver a nnonn-lethal but f-in annnnoyin attack    
CA: what was the tactical advanntage behinnd that bullshit?   
TA: 4nnoying you is its own rew4rd bec4use I like 4nnoying you.   
CA: that is the f-in dictionnary definnitionn of kismesis   
CA: havennt you beenn schoolfed annythin?   
TA: Kismesissitude ag4in?   
TA: I know this m4y be h4rd four you to underst& with your lust bl4dder const4ntly pressing 4g4inst your think p4n but I’m on 4 higher pl4ne th4t is 4bove you!   
TA: I 4m not interested in 4ny fucking p4iling!   
CA: is that what youre goin to tell the immperial dronne?   
TA: & 4g4in if you could see the future you would know th4t won’t be 4 problem.   
TA: I’ve t4lked with 4ctu4lly useful psychics & they 4gree I will never h4ve to f4ce 4n Imperi4l Drone.   
CA: are you sure that wasnnt there way of blowin you off?   
CA: because you mmay nnot have ann emmitvommitfeelya fetish but you definnitely have a f-in huge psychic fetish   
TA: Is th4t why you think I’m h4ving 4n 4ff4ir with th4t milkm4id who c4rries 4round p4ils?   
CA: donnt you ever f-in talk about fef that way   
TA: H4 h4 h4 h4 you h4ve 4 pet n4me you use inste4d of 4 re4l n4me four 4 girl who won’t even t4lk to you.   
TA: Fefe h4s told me xe’s felt you probe & poke her mind when xe told me how you f4iled using your psychic powers on her.   
TA: How does 4 psychic f4il to m4nipul4te 4 lowblood girl when I c4n m4nipul4te her without 4ny psychic powers?   
CA: that is a huge mmystery seein that you have nnegative psychic powers   
TA: You c4n’t h4ve neg4tive psychic powers th4t’s impossible!   
CA: i knnow its a scienntific mmystery all up in this bitch   
CA: we nneed a crimme sciennce lab to comme inn ann innvestigate   
CA: have somme old troll with a posh accennt divide your thinnk pann innto four while sadly quackin   
TA: How do you w4tch so much television when you’re supposed to be w4tching me?   
CA: poinnt is ive mmet purple bloods who are mmore psychic thann you ann i knnow that shakes your mmilk   
TA: I’ve told you before I h4ve no milk to x4ke in the met4phoric4l sense not the liter4l sense so I h4ve no milkx4kes four you to ste4l you flipped-out ninjeer!   
CA: thenn what brinngs you to this hall?   
TA: C4n’t you get it through your thick br4in p4n th4t this is nothing person4l you p4thetic sop?   
CA: how is it nnot personnal whenn you camme to mmy personn   
TA: I didn’t come out here four you I c4me out here to celebr4te.   
TA: I just m4n4ged to 4ccomplix ridding myself of one enemy who bothered me & I thought I could get rid of 4nother enemy who bothered me.   
CA: you have annother ennemmy?   
TA: I h4ve tons of enemies my je4lous not-friend   
TA: & I h4ve only one enemy: this universe.   


  
TA: You think you 4re even close to h4ting me on the level you think you h4te me but you 4re tot4lly wrong in your thinking.   
TA: Your h4te is just some wriggler’s g4me comp4red to the red hot burning h4te I feel four the entire world.   
TA: I h4te th4t everything is so broken & b4dly put together its like the most ret4rded script-wriggler coded the d4mn thing bec4use it’s 4ll so terrible.   
TA: I h4te th4t everyone just 4ccepts this s4d st4te of 4ff4irs 4s the st4te of the universe & when someone gets off their nook to ch4nge things the stupid xeep st4rt bleeting no inste4d of pr4ising them four fixing the mess!   
TA: I h4te every molecule of existence & I h4te existence itself so much.   
TA: If I h4te you its only bec4use you 4re included in the entire fucking universe.    
CA: doesnnt the unniverse pretty mmuch innclude you too?   
TA: Xut up bitch & get off mmy h4ll.   


CA: f-in pail tease   


You’re getting a message from Mother Grub. Along with an anti-anti-psychic device you have your shades set up to alert you when you should check the magic cue ball. You wish you could talk directly with Mother Grub using your glasses, but you were only able to set up the alert system in the first place due to Mother Grub’s help. You have no idea how it works. You’d suspect magic if magic wasn’t fake. You’re just glad she only calls when you’re alone. It would be bad if you were caught shaking your balls in public.   


capableAdvisor [CA]   
began consulting    
magicCueball   
[   
M   
]

CA: what do you wannt mme to do?   
M: GET OFF SOLLUX CAPTOR’S HALL   
CA: but i donnt wannt to leave sol   
CA: weve got this thin goin you knnow?   
M: YOU ARE GETTING TOO EMOTIONALLY INVOLVED IN THIS MISSION   
CA: so youre pullin mme out?   
M: NO [cont.]   
M: JUST CONCENTRATE ON THE SHABU MISSION FOR NOW   
CA: good idea   
CA: ill do that your fecundnninness    
  
capableAdvisor [CA]   
has ceased consulting    
magicCueball   
[   
M   
]

What a great semi-divine incarnate spirit of all troll life. In your headcanon she sounds like [troll Dame Judi Densch]. 

You go all the way downstairs to the lobbifoyer. You notice some destroyed door droids.   


 

Jee, you wonder who would use the legendary dagger    
Havhexens Kniv   
to carve smiley faces into robots? Could it possible be a young female troll with a fetish for cutesy shit and blood so high she can get away with virtual murder? Could this troll be the same girl whose been stalking you all season? No, it certainly isn’t Sekret behind you right now. By the way, it’s hard to tell with these shade but you’re rolling all eight of your eyes.

Okay, turn around non-chalantly, face her but don’t really look at her, and act like she’s a normal stalker.    


  


First your breakfast is rendered redundant, now your shower. You will never be clean again. 

  
AG: poopyhead!!!!!!!!!!   
CA: really poopyhead?   
CA: couldnnt you call mme fecalcranniumm or shithead if you feel like bein fanncy?   
AG: but that’s not cute!   
CA: ive heard better innsults fromm people not tryin to get in mmy black quadrannt   
CA: youre goin to have to try harder thann   


===>   


CA: oww mmy tie!   
AG: 10l10l not such a shawp dwessed twoww anymowe!   
CA: replacin the shirt is easy but the tie is annother story   
CA: you cann get clothes inn anny color as lonng as its black or grey but just try gettin sommethin in your ownn color   
AG: nobody wants youw unenviabwe swiww on their dwess!   
AG: nobody but meeeeeeeeee!!!   
AG: my daggew hungews fow youw b10od!!!   
CA: oh ann you also broke the skinn a little   
CA: but dammnn you could have brokenn mmy outfit deck ann i would have ennd up lookin as crazy as you   
AG: that’s a featuwe not a bug!   


Tie #185, ciphername TUE1 X85X EIBL, perished in the line of duty tonight.

AG: do you hate me nooow?   
CA: yeah like imm goin to emmbark onn ann enndless venndetta to avennge mmy tie   


It was cerulean, made of %100 lusus silk from the fourth corridor of the eastern continent, it enjoyed collecting tie clips, it is survived by tie #186 and trousers #603, it will be missed.   


CA: listenn you are nnot inn mmy fate   
CA: i have bigger ennemmies thann you   
AG: biggew than me 10l yeah right   
AG: i’m the fathewfweaking pwincess of this pwace!!!   
AG: and not just witewawwy!   
AG: i’m awso the pwincess of FLARP, it’s meee!   
CA: you are a great gammer   
CA: if i had mmet you flarpin i would have fallenn for you as hard as your rabid fannboys   
AG: stupid littwe newt boy, you did met me fwawping!!

>cue flashback   
  
  


> CA: finish this standoff already!   
  


MISSION ACCOMPLISHED   


AG: cheatew!   
AG: cheating cheating cheeeeaaatew!   
CA: how cann i cheat whenn imm not evenn inn this gamme   
AG: that just makes it wowse!   
AG: youw cheating on cheating!   
CA: what are you goin to do tell on mme to the clouder?   
CA: because you arennt exactly kosher here either   
AG: awe you whitemaiwing 10lita?   
CA: nno   
AG: you oinkbeast!   
AG: not even bothewing to thweaten a nobwewady!   
CA: sorry but i give exactly nno f-s about who you are   
AG: but you went and kiwwed my boyfwiend!!!!   
CA: i knnow he was your boyfriennd   
CA: thats why it was so easy to get himm to blow his ownn head off   
AG: reawwy? he fewt that way?   
AG: disgusting.   
CA: why do you care so much about losin a kismmesis?   
CA: youve got a haremm inn those commpetinn fannclubs of yours   
CA: you cann get annother boyfriennd though onnly annother boyfriennd cause sommehow those clubs ennd up as inntestinne casin fests   
CA: theres probably somme dummb reasonn for that but despite my awesomme mminnd powers imm nnot the onne who cares about psychology   
AG: shut up and teww me youw name   
CA: mmy nnamme is...   


[   
Animation   
](http://i152.photobucket.com/albums/s187/HystericalWoman/ceruelaneridanguntwirl.gif)   
CA: … nnot immportannt   


AG: weeeeeeeeeeww newt imp-hoawding!   
AG: you have aww those icky mutant bwain powews even though you have bwue bwood, wight?   
CA: affirmmative   
AG: why don’t you take those no doubt totawwy gwoss eyes of youws and wook into my pwetty eyes...   
AG: ...and you wiww know what i’m thinking.   
CA: like i could...   


This isn’t the first time you’ve taken a hit in the line of duty. When you go around advising the crap out of people some pathetic sop is bound to take it personally. Sure, she’s the highest blood so far, is psychically impenetrable and yet knows the secrets of psychic penetration, and has a pile of dead boyfriends higher than a skyscraper, but you can take care of this. You respond in a professional manner that befits a troll who answers only to the top.

CA: mmuh!   
AG: i am not fazed by youw peasantb10od mmuhs!   
AG: i have chosen my next boyfwiend, and he is yooooooooooou!   
CA: what the ever f-in hell is this crap?   
CA: whoever pulls the waterlogged sword from your dead boyfriennd becommes the nnext kinng of crazy townn?   
AG: i don’t get it   
CA: f- donnt you read annythin that isnnt a flarp mmannual?   
AG: don’t you go pawe on me, newt boy!   
CA: look imm flattered but imm waitin for sommeonne else   
AG: i don’t cawe what you think in that icky yewwow bwain of youws!   
AG: i don’t want any of my disgusting fans, i want you!   
AG: womance is a game and i win aww the games!!!!!!!!!!!   
AG: aww of them!!!!!!!!!   
CA: so its mmy turnn to play the gamme   
CA: i choose to...absconnd   
  
AG: <3333333333<

===>   


    And here you are now still absconding from her. We’ve skipped some unnecessary tomfoolery where you ran around the city trying to shake her off your trail. There was some more dialogue in the lobby, then a foot chase, then some parkour action, another tie went MIA, there was a really clever allusion to a classic troll thriller, and then you twisted your ankle.   


CA: f-in f-ity annkle   
AG: so sad.   
CA: we nneed a f-in auspistice   
AG: mowe wike you want an auspictise.   
AG: 10lita 10ves the status quo!   
CA: what about your shinny sunnnny friennd pyrope?   
CA: cannt she stick her nnose innto this?   
AG: my SISTER likes us being togethew because she thinks youwe a weawwy shawp and chic dwessew.   
CA: well i do take pride inn mmy appearannce ann i wish mmore people would nnotice mmy...   
CA: pyrope wonnt auspisticize us???   
AG: pewsonawwy i think you dwess like a dowk, but then again i hate you.    
CA: pyrope auspisticizes every pavemmennt-sucker that looks at each other the wronng way but she wonnt do us?   
CA: if i cannt evenn ride that two wheeled device innto auspistice village imm stuck inn the mmeann streets of kismmesis city!   
AG: 10l10l try eHedgemony 10sew!   
CA: very funnnny but you knnow i cannt give out mmy real mmother grub givenn nname   
CA: or fill out that bullshit test like imm goin to waste hours describin mmy perfect first date   
CA: its hard ennough finndin a good auspictice whenn you arennt off the grid   
AG: 10lita can stawk you off the gwid!   
AG: my daddy is off the gwid and i stawk him good!!!   
CA: you mmeann your lusus that is currenntly alive despite your best efforts at flappin about the beach?   
AG: shut up!!!!!!!!!!   
AG: i have the ELECTRA SPEAR now!   


AG: and i have yoooouw fooooot!   
CA: hannds off mmy winngtips!

You reach for your revolver. She gives a MIRACLE kick and your revolver flies! Fuck. At least you got to see her panties. 

AG: you think i’m not dangewous?   
AG: yestewday i stabbed a pwince and he was my maaaaaaaaaaatesprit!   
AG: you awen’t eithew of those things!   
CA: you mmean nneither of those things   
AG: shuuuut up!!!!!!!!!   
AG: you want me to stab out seven of youw eyes?   
AG: i took out one eye yestewday!   
CA: the bounncers?   
AG: noooooooooo poopyhead!   
AG: it was someone else!   
CA: who?   
AG: shut up i don’t want to tawk about it!   
CA: mmuh?   
AG: i shouwd stab youw eye...but i haaate it too much!   
AG: pwus i couwd use it to find tweasuwe.   
AG: it doesn’t work outside youw body, wight?   
CA: there really is onnly onne way to annswer that questionn you knnow   
AG: on the other haaand, youw foot...   
AG: didn’t some gweat queen say the wame make bettew hatews?   


AG: im gonna saw off youw wittwe footsies!   


CA: f...f-!   


AG: oops time fow FLARP!   


AG: i’ww cwippwe you watew bye!!!!!!!!!!

    Wow. She would make a great kismesis, for someone else of course. However, any black suitor of hers would have to be very careful. She doesn’t seem to have any qualms about hurting those close to her kismesis just to troll them. Good thing you have no one close to you besides Mother Grub. No cahoot-mates, no friends, no moirail, no matesprit, no lusus, not even a pet. You will never have to worry about her using the dreaded scalded cunnybeast attack on you. You sure lucked out there. You are so lucky! If you were anymore lucky you’d have to eat your gun.

Funny, you just realized that Sekret is the one troll you’ve spent the most time with. 

  
> enough romantic subplot, on with the mission!

You retrieve your revolver, leave the alley, and run into Feferi Peixes.    


 

Don’t worry, you didn’t literally run into her.

CA: whats a nnice farmmgirl like you doin inn a city like this?   
CC: T’at is none of your cow-cern.   
CA: you are ann awfully lonng way fromm your hive   
CC: And you’re offal-ly...wait, ‘ow do you know w’ere I live?   
CC: Did you read my mind you creep?   
CA: i read the phonnebook   
CC: T’at’s still creepy!   
CA: you should knnock it off with sollux captor   
CC: I ‘aven’t been visiting ‘im.   
CA: i knnow   
CA: i havennt seenn you there sinnce that nnight   
CC: You’ve been standing outside ‘is door t’at ---ENTIRE TIME??   
CC: CR--E--EPY!!!!   
CA: sollux captor is the creep   
CC: W’at’s ‘e done t’at’s so bad?   
CA: hes stolenn mmillionns through hackin ann commprimmized immperial security with his unnauthorized snnoopin   
CC: You t’ink t’at a five solar sweep old boy is a criminal mastermind?   
CA: why nnot?   
CA: theres a five solar sweep old boy runnnnin a dayclub onn this f-ed up plannet   
CA: speakin of mmu you knnow what happenned there onn the day you visited?   
CC: W’y don’t you just read my mind and find out?   
CA: honnestly i cannt   
CA: your mmemmory is like a finnely crafted secretary desk with a lock that evenn the greatest cracker couldnnt break   
CC: Is t’at some sort of cow-pliment?   
CA: nno   
CA: i mmeann that lock has captors triple glyph all over it   
CC: Sollux Captor en-grazed the furniture of my mind?   
CA: its a f-in mmetaphor arennt you supposed to be kinnda psychic?   
CC: Yes but Sollux isn’t!   
CA: i donnt knnow how he did it but i thinnk hes mmannipulatin mmemmory   
CC: ‘ow can ‘e manipulate mammaries, t’at’s impossible!   
CA: i said i donnt knnow but there are thins that just donnt add up   
CA: like whenn i read the bounncer at mmus mminnd i couldnnt finnd a trace of your visit but i donnt knnow how else you would have mmet captor   
CC: You can read a seatroll’s mind but not mine?   
CA: hes unnusually easy to read though immpossible to conntrol   
CC: W’at do you t’ink is in my mind anyway?   
CA: i thinnk you saw himm do sommethinn   
CC: W’at?   
CA: i thinnk you saw himm mmurder aradia mmegido   
CC: …   
CC: Are you some sort of mooncalf?   
CA: nno whats a mmoonncalf?   
CC: I t’ink you’re making this all up so you can play some little ‘ate game.   
CC: Sollux told me you ‘ave a black crush on ‘im.   
CA: sol talks about mme?   
CC: You ‘ave a pet name for ‘im?   
CA: look youve got to trust mme   
CC: W’y s’ould I trust you w’en I don’t know your name?   
CA: its capableAdvisor   
CC: I mean your Mot’er Grub-given name!   
CA: you mmay call mme...   
CA: major widowsonn mminndspinn   
CC: Is t’at your real name?   
CA: … nno   
  
CC: T’is is udder-ly ridculous.   
CA: fef i just wannt to be your friennd   
CC: Well you’re a bad friend!!!

    She leaves. Damnit you can not deal with all these romance. Luckily you can take care of the Shabu Mission.   
    After an uneventful worm-trolley ride, you arrive at a trashy hive on the outskirts of the City. You consult Mother Grub one more time, and she tells you what to do.   


CA: mathAmplified?    
MA: you-again?   
CA: yeah ann i camme back to tell you...   


CA: KNNOCK IT OFF!!!   
MA: what-the-fuck?

He tries to attack you with a razor but you knock it out of his hands. Now disarmed, you hit him on the snout to establish dominance.

  
(15uu)

The blows are not heavy but they are constant. You draw some mucus-y blood from his nose but mostly you just produce painful bruises. You slow your attack for a moment to let him talk. 

MA: why-are-you-doing-this?   
CA: i advised you before hannd to stop f-in arounnd ann you didnnt   
MA: what-am-i-fucking-around-with?   
CA: you f-ed arounnd with mmother grub   
MA: what-the-hell-are-you-talking-about-you-fecalcranium?

You hit him hard enough with the barrel that he falls on the filthy floor.    
CA: you knnow what you did   
CA: ann so does our great mmother   
  


This is your favorite part. This is the part that makes it all worth it. You can feel it sometimes without doing the hand movements. This is part where the target’s mind cracks open like a cheap pot and all that guilt comes spilling forth. You see all his dirty little secrets. All of them. This bad boy’s been using his interest in chemistry to further his ambition of getting rich. Unfortunately, he’s picked up the hobby up using his own merchandise. His skill levels have fallen and he’s been making horrible mistakes. There could be terrible repercussions for anyone who uses his drugs and illegal supplements. This is just another tally against him. The fact that you gave him the idea to start using in the first place doesn’t matter. It’s all just part of the War on Drugs.

  
CA: listenn here mmr. tweeky mmcdope

That’s his real name by the way.

CA: youve f-in sinnnned againnst the onne who pulled your ass out of the inncestuous slurry   
CA: you should have beenn culled before you crawled out of the caves but mmother grub inn her limmited mmercy had ennough pity inn her giannt vascular chammbers to let you live your mmiserable life   
CA: but you forsook the shit out of her so it has comme to past that the vennegennce of mme is uponn þinne head   
CA: i will f-in strike you downn with mmy rod ann mmy staff to cripple þee ann i shall lead the hoofbeasts out of the f-in valley of light so sayth the ball   
MA: does-that-nonsense-mean-you’re-gonna-kill-me?   
CA: depennds   
CA: we are goin to play a gamme   
CA: have you heard of the plannet cyberia?   
MA: do-i-look-like-i’m-the-one-who-cares-about-astrography?   
CA: thought so   
CA: cyberia is a planet 947 light solar sweeps away from alternnia   
CA: the enntire plannet is covered inn harsh tunndra its populated by creatures that mmake alternnian mmusclebeasts look like cartoonns the temperature goes above freezing for only one day ann onn that day the sunn will kill you instanntely if you look at it for a seconnd   
CA: its a pretty terrible place   
CA: still cyberia has ennough mminneral reserves to mmake it worthwhile to the emmpire   
CA: trolls who are unnlucky ennough to be stationned there like to play a gamme to pass the timme   
CA: its hard to get anny gammin mmaterial unnder the watchful eye of whatever parannoid governnor is inn charge but luckily all you nneed for this gamme...   
CA:...is a cylinnder ann somme ammunnitionn   
MA: i-know-that-game-cyberia-spinning-cylinder-of-doom-right?   
CA: i see you have beenn schoolfed sommethin mmr. mmcdope   
CA: nnow i put sixty-three rounnds innto mmy revolver   
MA: sixty-three?   
CA: its ann 8x8 shooter   
MA: isn’t-the-game-usually-played-with-only-one-full-round?   
CA: yes but imm a purist   
CA: after all who wannts to be stuck inn a mmetal hive with a bunnch of other trolls their enntire lives?   


You spin the cylinder.   
  
McDope doesn’t want to sweat bullets!   


You pull the trigger and...

CA: emmpty   
MA: i’m-alive?   
CA: guess mmother grub doesnnt wannt mme to shot you   
MA: i-have-another-chance-at-life?   
MA: a-chance-to-make-things-right?   
MA: how-will-i-ever-let-you-know-how-grateful-i-am?   
CA: i knnow already imm a psychic   
MA: so-youre-just-gonna-leave?   
CA: yeap   


CA: but i have just onne mmore questionn   
MA: what?   
CA: i nnoticed you have a lot of scratches onn your armm   
MA: what-of-it-it-doesn’t-mean-anything?   
CA: they sure look painnful   
CA: do you have somme sort of disease?   
MA: i-don’t-know-anyone-who-knows-medicine-so-i-guess-i-don’t-know?   
CA: i heard about this disease caused by a parasite founnd in expired sopor slimme   
CA: the parasite borrows unnder the skinn ann sets its hooks innto you ann wriggles about   
CA: it mmakes you scratch ann scratch even after you draw blood ann still it wonnt let go   
CA: its pretty terrible   
  
CA: i bet your nneck itches really bad   
CA: nnot just like a little pricklin   
CA: like sommeonnes playfully pullin a nneedle over it   
CA: but mmore like sommeonne sadistically shoved ann ironn wool sweater inn there   
CA: its like your nnecks onn fire   
CA: its okay if you scratch it i wonnt judge you   
CA: go ahead ann scratch it   
CA: donnt just rake your finngers across it really dig inn   
CA: harder   
CA: harder   
CA: dig those filthy nnails innto your clammy skinn   


CA: ann rip out your ownn throat   
  
Mission accomplish. You turn to leave and...

> romantic subplot: reappear   


CA: what the f- are you doin here?   
CC: Sollux...supplements...w’at t’e fork are moo doing?   
CA: what do you thinnk imm doin?   
CC: You were talking to t’at troll and ‘e ripped out ‘is t’oart and you were using your mind powers I know it!   
CC: You killed ‘im!!!   
CA: i had a good reasonn   
CC: But it wasn’t a duel or self-defense or anyt’ing you could ‘ave left ‘im alive.   
CC: But you just moo-dered ‘im!

> Calm her down!   
  
CA: listenn here you dummb nnaive hick   
CA: imm nnot wearin this color just because it looks good   
CA: imm a f-in blue blood   
CA: the summ of your shit blood ann his piss blood isnnt evenn close to mmy level   
CA: as a highblood i cann do annythin i wannt to anny lowblood at anny timme   
CC: You may be a blue blood but w’at about ‘onor and fair play?   
CA: f- honnor   
CA: imm not playin by your rules   
CA: i have mmy ownn rules ann imm allowed to take anny life i wannt evenn yours   
CC: O’ mooo you ‘orrible little...   
CC: I c’allenge you to a duel!   


You really suck at calming people down.

> don’t suck at using your psychic powers   


You try to use your psychic powers. She briefly lowers the pitchfork, just to raise it again.

CC: Get out of my mind and fig’t fair for once in your life!   
CA: fef nno i didnnt mmeann what i said   
CC: Really?!?   
CA: well nnot all of it   
CA: but i cannt fight you   
CC: So you’re a cow-’erd too?   
CA: i cannt kill annyonne imm nnot supposed to kill   
CC: W’at’s t’at supposed to mean?   
CC: I just saw you kill someone and I won’t stand for t’at!!!   
CA: are you really goin to go onn ann enndless venndetta over a troll youve nnever mmet?   
CA: he was a scummbag   
CC: Sollux said ‘e was good!   
CA: you believe himm?   
CC: W’y s’ould I believe you?   
CC: After all the t’ings you’ve been telling me about ‘im...I can’t believe you!!!   
CC: You call ‘im a murderer but I’ve only seen YOU murder someone!!!   
CC: Sollux Captor is a prince, w’ile you’re just a t’ug!!!   
CA: …

If you abscond she’ll never respect you. If you aggress she’ll respect you, but she’ll be dead, and that will really ruin your chances of dating her. 

CA: f- mmy life    


capableAdvisor   
  
[CA]   
began consulting magicCueball [M]

CA: was absconndin the right tactic?   
M: YOU MADE THE RIGHT DECISION    
CA: just confirmmin   
CA: oh ann onne mmore thin   
CA: mmother amm i a good boy?   
M: YES   
CA: thannk you

  
  


  
[](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_T939PEPZZt8w_2DqGKRfxooiSmVgd4d4lGv12tzCpg/edit?hl=en&authkey=CNaMubMO)

  
  


  


  
  


M:    
  


  



	17. The Tell-Tale Bladder

> be the one who cares about architecture    


Your name is Equius Zahhak and you just killed a dead girl.

You realized that you were the one who killed Aradia Megido when you read the hive registry. The report on the Megido ruins said a glass jar with trace amounts of mind honey was found and confiscated from the premises. Computer apiculture is rare enough that it could only be from your beehouse. The closest fellow beekeeper lives one hundred miles away. According to the report the event must have happened on the [DATE REDACTED] and you don’t have an alibi for that day. In fact you had a whiteout then as bright as the sun. You must have consumed the mind honey, went over to her hive, and blasted her. It was not a duel or self-defense, but most certainly very illegal murder. 

You knew this would happen some day. You saw it coming. You see a lot of terrible things coming, visions of meteors and blood and screaming and frogs. You deal with your visions of the apocalypse the best way how: by not giving the fuck. After all, if her Imperious Condescension, with her team of elite Oraprophets, isn’t flipping out, why should you? Keep calm and carry on, you say. Those visions are probably just the side effect of your STRONG tolerance of sopor slime. The more personal visions you can’t ignore. You knew one day you would kill a blue blood.

Imagine the scandal! No wonder her existence was erased. She must have been such a sad and lonely girl, living in that hive more suited for a gutterblood. Lonely and lovely. No, you mustn’t think of her that way! That’s probably what caused the problem in the first place. 

What are you going to do? Is someone going to avenge her? You feel like avenging her yourself. The most honorable course of action would be to fall on your own sword. You can’t do that. You don’t own a sword and you aren’t good at falling. You also must think of your moirail. If you get culled, what will happen to her? Would someone kill her too out of revenge? Would she try to avenge your death and get killed? You cannot self destruct. Dying would be very improper.

You have to live on and pretend nothing happened. Repress your feelings even more than usual. Don’t let anyone know what you did. That should be easy, as long as no superior ever asks you about it.   


There is a knock on the door.

AC: “ct...It’s me...open up!”   
CT: ~> nepeta, this isn’t the right time for this   
AC: “Why?...are you busy rasterbating in there?”   
CT: ~> please leave me alone   
AC: “ct messaged ac...with an important scoop!”   
CT: ~> i told you to disregard that message   
AC: “ct should know ac’s character trait...she can’t disregard anything!”   
AC: “ct wanted to talk about something important...and ac must be there for her moirail!”   
CT: ~> i don’t have anything to say now   
AC: “Well...ac now has some dramatic lines.”   
AC: “ct’s motivation in this scene...is to be there for his moirail!”   
CT: ~> you are right   
CT: ~> just give me a moment

You quickly compose yourself. You wipe the tears from your face and put back on your glasses. You must be STRONG for your moirail.

  


  
AC: “Greetings!”   
CT: ~> what did you want to tell me   
AC: “Umm...welll...”   
AC: ac raves “Is there no help for the widow’s son?”   
CT: ~> huh?   
??: I TOLD YOU YOUR SILLY LITTLE OVERMANTLEGARMENT AND DAGGER GAME wouldn’t work.   
AC: “It could have worked...the concept was solid...but the execution needed work.”   
??: WHAT IS A WIDOW supposed to be anyway?   
AC: “It’s a type of...spider.”   
CT: ~> who is that you’re talking to, nepeta?   
CG: KARKAT VANTAS, you fascist.   
AC: “He’s a...friend of mine.”   
AC: “ac ran into him...again...on the way here.”   
CT: ~> what color bl00d does he have?   
CG: GREEN AS THE MEAN STREETS and none of your fucking business.   
CT: ~> oh gog!   
CG: GOG?   
CT: ~> sir vantas, i most fervently apologize for the crapped status of my humble hive   
CT: ~> if i had foreknowledge of your visit i would have prepared my hive   
CG: THE ONLY WAY YOU COULD HAVE PREPARED YOUR HIVE is by not having one.   
AC: “Just enter the scene!”

  
CT:~> you have got to be kidding me

  
CG: WHAT IS THE DEAL WITH ALL THE PRINTER PAPER on your wall?   
CT:~> ah i see you are admiring my fine art   
CG: ARE THOSE DONGS in those paintings?   
CT: ~> yes in this piece the artist took the normal plane of perspective on the image of a musclebeast and divided it...   
CG: CUT-UP dongs!?   
CT: ~> nepeta, are you sure he didn’t just steal a highbl00d’s clothes?   
CG: HEY, YOU TRY WAKING UP JUST TO STARE DOWN A MUSCLEBEAST’S URETHA and see how much you appreciate art then!   
CT: ~> i....i...need a new hair elastic   
CG: WHY DOES THIS PLACE SMELL of ozone and BEES!!!   
CG: IS THAT A BEEHOUSE over there?   
CT: ~> yes, i use the bees to both power my computer and make honey to keep my lusus from flipping out   
CG: WHERE IS your lusus?   
CT: ~> he’s on the r00f because he’s t00 big to fit in my hive   
CG: A GIANT MUSCLEBEAST LUSUS, OH GOD i wish my lusus was here.   
CG: SILLY SOPHIE HAD TO TAKE A NAP on the stairs.   
CG: THANKS FOR BRINGING ME TO THE SCARIEST HIVE ON ALTERNIA, nepeta, that really helps my domatophobia.    
AC: “Sorry...just used to visiting his hive...don’t see anything wrong.”   
CG: I WISH WE COULD HAVE HAD THIS LITTLE TEA PARTY over at your hive.   
CT: ~> that would not please me   
CT: ~> her hive is disgusting   
CG: REALLY?   
AC: “It’s not like that!”   
AC: “The architecture of my hive just doesn’t appeal to ONE critic.”   
CT: ~> there is just t00 much unnecessary ornamentation on her hive   
CG: YOU CAN’T ENTER A HIVE because of that?   
CT: ~> i happen to have STRONG opinions about architecture   
  
CG: YOU KNOW WHO ELSE HAD STRONG OPINIONS about architecture, hmmmm?   
CT: ~> i don’t know   
CG: THAAAAT’S RIGHT i don’t know either.   
  
    Highbloods are very strange. Oops. no, highbloods are perfectly all right and their thinking makes perfect sense.

CT: ~> so what is this matter that is bothering you so much?   
AC: “No one will be seated during the warning moirail scene!”   
CT: ~> are you in danger?   
AC: “ct is the one...who’s in danger!”   
CT: ~> someone wants to take revenge on me?   
CG: WHO SAID ANYTHING about revenge?   
CT: ~> well...i just assumed...   
AC: “...revenge is the most cliched cause of troll death.”   
CG: FAIR enough.   
AC: “ct thinks someone is already after him?”   
AC: “...has tangibleAnnhilation trolled ct?”   
CT: ~> who is that and what is their bl00d color?   
CG: BLUE AS A SCREEN OF DEATH and a hacker.   
CT: ~> bl00? oh jegus   
CG: JEGUS?   
CT: ~> what did i do wrong?   
AC: “...nothing, don’t worry.”   
CG: YOU’VE BEEN INVESTIGATING THE DEATH of aradia megido.   
CT: ~> i will cease doing that forthwith, sir    
CT: ~> aradia megido is not a subject of any importance to anyone and we should all just forget it   
CG: ARADIA MEGIDO IS A SUBJECT OF ALL IMPORTANCE TO ANYONE WHO GIVES A DAMN about what’s happening on these dumpass streets.   
CG: A TROLL WITH SO MANY CONTACTS has to be important.   
AC: “...she was very popular.”   
CT: ~> popular?   
AC: “...this intrepid reporter has managed to capture a picture of her!”   
CT: ~> you took a picture of a ghost?   
CG: MORE LIKE SHE FOUND AN OLD PICTURE that could be aradia megido.   
AC: “...couldn’t be anyone else I know.”   
CG: YOU TOOK PICTURES OF STRANGERS ON THE WAY HERE, couldn’t it just be one of those crazy exercises?   
AC: “This isn’t a stranger!”   
CT: ~> we knew aradia megido?   
  
  
AC: “ct...review this photo.”   
CT: ~> this is it?   
AC: “...didn’t mean review my photography skills.”   
CT: ~> no i mean   
CT: ~> she’s be...beaming a smile   
CG: SMILING IS UNUSUAL among trolls.   
AC: “From this shot...we can tell that Aradia Megido was a warm and friendly person.”   
CG: NO WE CAN’T TELL FROM THAT PHOTO you over-analysing fascist.   
CG: BUT SHE WAS A VERY FRIENDLY TROLL by all evidence.   
CT: ~> she wasn’t alone?   
CG: SHE WAS PRACTICALLY A FRIEND of the universe.   
CG: HER DEATH FUCKED OVER THE HIVEMIND in ways i can’t even began to comprehend.    
CT: ~> the hivemind?   
AC: “Don’t play that reel...its run time is too long.”   
AC: “Abridged version...everyone sort of shares the same mind...except we don’t.”   
CG: I’LL GIVE YOU THE DIRECTOR’S CUT sometime later.   
AC: “Equius...do you have something to say?”   
CT: ~> i know this   
CT: ~> i know these hills   
CG: ARE THEY NEAR that frog temple?   
CT: ~> frogs?   
AC: “Yes...that is ridiculous...”   
AC: “The frog temple can’t be in the same plotline...as this.”   
AC: “What would motivate a technophile...to care about the low tech past?”   
CT: ~> it was because of aradia megido   
CT: ~> aradia was interested in the temple   
AC: “He was interested in Aradia Megido because she knew about the temple he was interested in because of Aradia Megido?”   
CG: WHATEVER HAPPENED TO ARADIA MEGIDO isn’t interesting?   
CT: ~> it’s...it’s just i wonder what happened to her   
CG: WE DON’T KNOW what happened to her.   
CG: SHE JUST DISAPPEARED from the universe.   
CT: ~> then we should all just disappear her from our minds   
CG: I AM NOT GOING TO STOP LOOKING FOR THE TRUTH, you ignorant fascist.   
CT: ~> sorry sir, as a lowbl00d i shouldn’t dare tell you what to do   
CG: I WOULDN’T LISTEN IF A HIGHBLOOD TOLD ME TO STOP because i am going to pounce the fuck out of this mystery.   
CT: ~> you...you are an unstoppable br00te force   
AC: “ac is also going to solve...this MYSTERY!”   
CT: ~> nepeta, no   
AC: His client may have gotten cold feet, but the MYSTERY MONGER couldn’t drop this case.   
AC: He was a sucker for a damsel in distress. Especially when they looked this good in a dress.   
CG: YEAH SHE’S DOING it again.   
AC: Aradia Megido was one tough cookie but she got in over her pretty little head. She knew too much.   
AC: So Sollux Captor had to whack her.   
CT: ~> the bl00bl00d?   
CG: SOLLUX CAPTOR DIDN’T kill her!   
CT: ~> yes, let’s listen to the wise mr. green   
CG: BUT MAYBE HE DID KILL HER, the fascist bastard.   
CT: ~> ...   
AC: “Murder makes the most sense.”   
CG: I DON’T WANT TO THINK ABOUT SOLLUX murdering anyone.   
CT: ~> yes let’s all not think about the bl00bl00d and go back to our own hives   
CT: ~> or let’s not go back to our own hives and instead take an extended camping trip   
CT: ~> nepeta there’s a maturity shuttle leaving on our wriggling day we could all take a nice relaxing vacation expect for Mr. Vantas who should stay here away from us   
AC: “Equius Zahhak is chewing the scenery...more than he usually does around highbloods.”   
AC: “Are you okay?”   
AC: “Is that really just honey on your sleeve?”   
CG: HE’S FLUFFED UP like a scared cat.   
CT: ~> i’m feeling perfectly proper i’m just slightly nervous dealing with highbl00ds and murder   
CG: WE DON’T KNOW if murder was involved.   
AC: “And Karkat Vantas is acting weird too!”   
AC: “Does cg think ta is guilty...or not?”   
CG: PRE-MEDITATED COLD-BLOODED MURDER has to be beyond him.   
AC: “...why would you say that?”   
CG: BUT THAT BLUE-BLOODED SCUM DEFINITELY KILLED aradia megido!   
CT: ~> shout up!   
CG: SHOUT up?

  
CT: ~> I KILLED ARADIA MEGIDO!   
CG: OH NO you didn’t!

  
CT: ~> you are correct, sir, i totally didn’t   
  
CG: STOP AGREEING WITH ME just because i have green blood.   
CG: IF I’M RIGHT it’s only because i’m much smarter than you.   
AC: “Why does ct think he killed Aradia Megido?”   
CG: YEAH IF YOU HAVE ANY INFORMATION tell us.   
CT: ~> i have had visions of killing a bl00 bl00ded troll   
AC: “And you never told me?”   
CT: ~> they might have just been ordinary dreams of bl00d   
CT: ~> i didn’t want to alarm you over what might be nothing   
CT: ~> i am not sure how STRONG my vision is   
AC: “...your Oskar picks are very inaccurate.”   
AC: “Plus...I can’t see you hurting anyone higher than you...especially a blue blood.”   
CG: I CAN SEE YOU WITH BLUE BLOOD on your hands.   
CG: I HAVE SEEN YOU like that actually.   
CT: ~> you witnessed me killing aradia megido?   
CG: NO.   
CG: THE BLUE BLOOD INCIDENT WILL HAPPEN in the future.   
CT: ~> are you a psychic?   
CG: NO.   
CT: ~> i don’t understand, sir.   
CG: NOBODY understands.   
AC: “Aradia Megido...is a blue blood?”   
CT: ~> a troll like that couldn’t be a low bl00d   
CG: HER WONDERFULNESS ISN’T PROOF of anything.   
CG: IT’S TOO LIKELY THAT MEGIDO IS THE SAME as sollux’s maroon blooded guest at mu.   
CT: ~> sorry sir you are right   
CG: DISAGREE WITH me here.   
CT: ~> if i am to disagree with you, i would like to point out i read in the hive registry that her lawn ring was zoned for aristocrat level hiving   
AC: “Did Aradia Megido’s hive really look like a blue bloods hive?”   
CT: ~> well before it was destroyed it...probably still looked like a lowbl00d hive, actually   
CG: YOU GOT INTO the hive registry?   
CG: WHAT ELSE DID it say?   
CT: ~> they found a glass jar with trace amounts of mind honey   
AC: “Your mind honey?”   
CG: YOU MEAN THAT BEEHOUSE IS FULL OF MIND HONEY and you eat it?   
CT: ~> i have only consumed tiny amounts once or twice by accident   
CG: THAT IS ONE TIME too many.   
CT: ~> i understand that, sir   
CT: ~> i lost a previous beehouse to such horrible mistake, along with a wall   
CG: YOU’RE THAT SENSITIVE ARGHH I HATE THIS HIVE so much.   
AC: “But you think you ate an entire jar recently?”   
CT: ~> i’m afraid i had a whiteout on   
[DATE REDACTED]   
CG: SOLLUX CAPTOR LAST WENT TO MU on that date.   
AC: “...are you sure you had a whiteout?”   
CT: ~> i was working on something, i looked at the clock, and it was suddenly four hours later   
CG: THAT JUST SOUNDS LIKE YOU’RE A REALLY BORING PERSON to me.   
CT: ~> i thought it was nothing until i read the hive registry   
CT: ~> the exploratory drones concluded the destruction probably happened only a few hours back on   
[DATE REDACTED]   
CG: VERY INTERESTING and fucking unbelievable.   
CT: ~> sir?   
CG: I LOOKED AT THAT SITE WITH AR GOGGLES and i didn’t find any digital tags from an remote exploratory expedition.    
CG: THE DRONES DO not exist.   
CT: ~> someone faked a hive registry account?   
CT: ~> that sounds rather hard to do and a lot of work   
AC: “Listen to cg!”   
AC: “He was the one who discovered the hive...and broadcasted it to you!”   
CG: WHAT?   
AC: “cubistTentacles...this is the mysterious Mr. Green...creepingGunsel!”   
CT: ~> gunsel?   
CT: ~> you were a frequent poster in the laser fortress forum in the super asshole mega-complex website, right?   
CG: YEAP.   
CT: ~> i remember your l00d trolltag and how you were banned for spamming a thread with photos of shotgunkind self-c00llings for some no doubt profound reason   
CG: I WAS ANGRY okay?   
CG: I WAS THE ONLY VOICE OF REASON IN THAT HELLDUMP and when i save up ten credits i’ll show them all.   
AC: “Wait...does this mean...Karkat Vantas...didn’t play ct’s mysterious knowledgeable source?”   
CG: I’M ONLY YOUR MYSTERIOUS SOURCE, not his.   
CT: ~> the person who told me over trollian about aradia megido’s hive spoke in white text with no trolltag   
CT: ~> and yet somehow i had a feeling of bright green lighting when i talked to him   
CG: I’VE HAD THAT STUPID LIGHTNING IN MY HEAD too before.   
AC: “What motivation did Mr. Green have...to help us?”   
AC: “Was Mr. Green...Aradia’s moirail...or her matesprit?”    
CG: I THINK HE’S BEYOND such things.   
CT: ~> you mean he’s a s00pernatural being?   
AC: “Another ghost?”   
CT: ~> he told me he’s not a ghost   
AC: “Are we suppose to buy that?”   
CG: BIZARRELY ENOUGH WE CAN ACTUALLY trust that he isn’t lying.   
CT: ~> being a ghost does not give one any special powers over chat software   
CG: I THINK HE HAS MORE IMPRESSIVE POWERS than that.   
AC: “All this for Aradia Megido.”   
CG: WE ARE DEALING IN STUPID SHIT much bigger than all of us.   
CT: ~> it’s a g00d thing we have some sort of powerful being helping us out   
CT: ~> he might be, dare i say it, a god   
CG: HE MIGHT BE, DARE I SAY IT, an asshole   
CG: I DON’T TRUST any god.   
CG: EVEN IF THEY ARE a friend.

Highbloods can be very strange.    


  


  
  



	18. Reading Lolita on Alternia

> be the mysterious ghostly green guy FOR REALZ

You cannot be the mysterious ghostly green guy! He’s just too omniscient! You cannot even begin to grasp his mind. He has to follow multiple timelines, universes, and dimensions. He knows everything about this universe and every other universe that exists or could exist. You barely know about this one. You don’t even know that he isn’t even necessarily a he. Whatever clothes he wears, that’s who he is. He’s also Mother Grub, meaning he’s the Magic Cue Ball and not the actual hideous insect. Some of you figured that out already. He’s also not exactly the same person as the so-called Mother Grub. It all depends on how you define person. See how confusing this all is? You can’t handle this.

 

You can, however, be the pubescent girl he’s talking with. Yes, even in this universe, he’s kind of a creep.

  
>be the pubescent girl already!

You are the Lolita. 

You sit in one of the many alcoves of your new castle. You are angry. This is not unusual. You tend to be angry at all times at all things. Right now your anger is actually focused. You are angry at the campaign you are stuck in. You thought you had already won it. A challenger approached and you vanquished her! You vanquished her right in the eye! She has recovered, but she hasn’t sought revenge. You should be happy about this. You are not. You have feelings you can’t describe. The incident, the events of THAT DAY, keep bubbling up to the top of your think pan. You know who to blame for this. You received bad information.

A beep comes from your wall computer. Someone’s trolling you. Since you turned off all outside access for security purposes, there is only one person that could be. 

  
> highlight

You don’t need to highlight the white text due to your MIRACLE POWERS, but you highlight it anyway for the benefit of the readers. How mighty purple of you!

                   pestering    
avengingGrub   
[   
AG   
]   
Hello again.   
AG: finaaaaaaaaaawwy! you kept me waiting wong enough, poopyhead! @ʌ   
@   
It’s not your job to wait.   
That task is mine.   
AG: but i stiww had to wait and it was so annoying!   
AG: some of us don’t have supewnatuwal powews ovew chat softwawe.   
AG: 10lita is beginning to think that’s the onwy powew BIG BROTHER has.   
Ha ha ha, I still love that nickname.   
AG: oh yeah youw oh so cwevew with youw novews fwom a pwanet that doesn’t exist yet.    
AG: what’s so novew about novews anyway, we’ve had that bowing junk fow thousands of sweeps.   
My poor uneducated girl.   
If only you knew about the rich literary references going on around you.   
AG: ha you think you awe soooooooooo smawt.   
AG: so smawt you gave me bad intewwigence!   
You think I made you lose a game.   
AG: when you send out a scout and she comes back and says the coast is cweaw, it’s hew fauwt if the company gets ambushed.   
I am not your scout.   
AG: not a scout?   
AG: you shouwd have towd me that befowe you stawted advising the cwap out of me.   
I see Ms. Stabanov has learned the downside of meta-gaming.   
AG: wike poopy i have!   
I was joking. You haven’t become a better player.   
AG: this isn’t about fwawping.   
AG: you didn’t teww me the twuth about kanaya mawyam.   
I told you before she even trolled Terezi that she was planning to ask you to be her moirail.   
I told you she would bring up your behavior towards Tavros Nitram as a reason you needed guidance.   
AG: you towd me she didn’t actuawwy want a moiwawwegiance with me.   
That is true.   
AG: i tawked to my BIG SISTER, who totawwy knows peopwe bettew than you, and she said kanaya was totawwy sincewe!!!!!!!!!!   
That is also true.   
AG: you made some big deaw abut how she shawed hew feewings with MY PRINCE!!!!!!!!!!   
They have had very intimate discussions with each other.   
AG: but she hasn’t visited him in the hospitaw ow given him a bouquet or anything!   
AG: i don’t think she’s in a wed womance with him at aww.   
If you had a memory that wasn’t so corrupted by subjective emotions you would remember that I wasn’t the one who came up with the idea that Maryam and Nitram were matesprits.   
AG: my memowy is pewfectwy fine.   
You are looking at the saved log, aren’t you.   
You said, quote:   
“AG: Maryam and Nitram plan to use the pale quadrant to push me from his red quadrant.   
AG: They think I wouldn’t dare steal a matesprit from my senior moirail.”   
AG: i didn’t say it so dowkwy.   
I improved your sentence structure, punctuation, and spelling.   
I get really tired of tendency to replace your Ls and Rs with Ws.    
AG: weww i am so tiwed of youw stiff bowing typing.   
AG: and i hate how you sometimes don’t put quiz smiwies at the end of youw questions.   
That’s because I never need to ask any questions.   
AG: one of these nights i’m gonna cawve a quiz smiwie into youw big white face!!!!!!!!!!   
Eventually you’re going to drop your childish affectation for baby talk.   
Only one of these predication will come true.   
AG: you’we getting me off twack.   
AG: i’m weading this stupid wog.   
AG: so what if i was the fiwst to bwing up cahootship.   
AG: you made me bewieve that coopew wady cawed about tavwos and not me.   
It’s not my fault you rate Nitram’s desirablity so far over your own.   
AG: you didn’t teww me i was WRONG!   
It is not part of my responsibility.   
AG: but you wewe awweady medwwing with me!   
AG: you made a point to hewp me, but you didn’t hewp enough.   
AG: you didn’t teww me evewything you knew!   
AG: you knew i don’t know anything about womance!   
You are angry that you might have made the wrong decision.    
AG: i don’t wegwet what i did.   
AG: i wiked stabbing my mewmaid pwince in the taiw! @v@   
AG: i wouwdn’t have done it if i hadn’t thought he betwayed me, but i can deaw with that.   
AG: and as fow kanaya mawyam...   
AG: even if you hadn’t “informed” me, i stiww wouwd have stabbed that snobby wibwawian in the eye!!!!!!!!!!!   
AG: i don’t want to be anyone’s moiwaiw.   
But she doesn’t want you to be her moirail.   
AG: i don’t know what she wants!!!!!!!!!!   
You care more about Kanaya than you do Tavros.   
AG: don’t think i’m scaaaaaaaaaawed of hew.   
AG: i may not undewstand hew as a hatew, but i undewstand hew as a fightew.   
You don’t think she’ll take her revenge on you.   
AG: i’ww give you my...analysis.   
AG: i’ve seen her type before. young dumb trolls think they can bookfeed themselves to the top. they read all the martial arts instruction manuals, all of them. they pour over the diagrams and memorized every line. every evening they wake up and palm slaaaaaaaaaaam a visual recording storage medium into their visual display device and bust a move with their favorite fighters. they practice all the time. their 10osus thinks they’re soooooooooo co01! they think they can beat up anyone and everyone!   
AG: but then they get into an actual fight with another troll. their opponent might be just some sad little wriggler, but when they feel that first hit from that wimp, they freak out over the pain and can’t do anything else.   
AG: and that’s how neeeeeeeeeerds get culled.   
Nice analysis.   
AG: thanks, i dwopped the doubwe u’s fow you, BIG BROTHER.   
You turned off outside access to your hive, but you say you’re sure she isn’t planning revenge.   
AG: i knew she wasn’t up to it when she twied to ABRIDGE.   
AG: poow wittwe wibwiwian twied to thwow down some fwash papew, but instead she thwew down some dumb wepowt.

  
A dumb report on you.   
AG: yeah i knoooooooooow!   
AG: and who gets thewe sywwadex mixed up wike that?   
AG: onwy a totaw moooooooooowon!   
Not everyone has a MIRACLE MODUS.   
AG: and my MIRACLE VISION.   
AG: i can wead peopwe’s stats, but i can’t wead what’s going on with her!   
Maybe you should read something else.   
AG: and usuawwy i have you to fiww in the howes but you awen’t tewwing me anything.   
You’re a smart girl.   
You can figure this out.   


AG: i’ve nevew wiked twee bown kettwe giw1.   
AG: the onwy weason i haven’t cuwwed that b10oe b10od wannabe yet is because my business pawtnew said she was usefuw.   
AG: she thinks she’s wike me, a nobwewady, just because hew 10osus isn’t awound.   
AG: she’s nevew had hew 10osus come face to face with hew...   
AG: ...and totawwy reject hew.   
AG: i don’t want to be pitied by a 10wb10od.   
AG: i pwefewed it when she was pwotting against me.   
Go deeper.   
AG: but i know thewe’s something ewse in hew vascuwaw system.   
AG: poow mowon doesn’t know about it, but i can see it wike a shining status baw.   


AG: she <3 me.   
Correct.   
AG: hahahahahahahahahaha and i totawwy rejected hew!!!!!!!!!!   
AG: wejected hew wight in the eye!   
AG: i’ve wejected bwack-wom befowe, but not wed-wom, and it feews weaaaaaaaaaawwy good!!!!!!!!!!   
  
AG: NO! it’s no good!   
AG: i stiww feew bad!

  
AG: what gives hew the wight to dwaw me!   
AG: why shouwd she bothew dwawing me!!!!!!!!!!   
AG: why shouwd she have feewings?   
AG: daaaaaaaaamn-jt!

1/? BUTTERFLIES DESTROYED   
  
And now you’re floorsitting. That’s not good.

Cursing? Not very child-lady-like.   
AG: how wouwd you know? i didn’t type that pawt.   
Are you really asking that?   
AG: so that’s how you get off?   
AG: watching giw1s have tempew tantwums?   
Ha, no.   
AG: no, you get off tewwing me what to do.   
I only tell you what you will do.   
AG: so what am i going to do?   
Tomorrow, Tavros Nitram will be released from the hospital. This speaks poorly of the Alternian medical establishment, but that’s besides the point.   
AG: twowws awe tough, you squishy awien.   
After stopping at his hive for an hour, he will go to MU.   
You will met him there.   
AG: ow maybe i won’t.   
AG: maybe i’ww DECIDE not to go.   
Like you could resist seeing him.   
AG: what if i go too soon or too wate?   
AG: you nevew gave me a time.   
AG: psychics can nevew figuwe out the wight time.   
You will go when you go.   
AG: cowawd.   
You will know later I got the time perfectly correct.   
AG: what if i juuuuuuuuuust miss him?   
That won’t happen.   
AG: what if i don’t feew wike waiting awound fow him?   
AG: what if he weaves the cwub wight away and goes back home?   
That will happen, but it won’t change anything.   
As brief as your visits will be, both of you will cross each others path.    
AG: then i doooooooooon’t caaaaaaaaaawe!!!!!!!!!!   
AG: i’ww embwace my stupid poopy fate!   
You are so much like the title character of an opera that doesn’t exist yet.   
Too bad you soon won’t be able to embrace anything.   
AG: what’s that suppose to mean?   
AG: hewwo?   
AG: white text?   
AG: omniscient awiens can be stwange.      
  



	19. disconnect discotheque

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> rot13 warning: tencuvp ivbyrapr

  
> remember   


    Your eyelids feel so heavy. The bags under your eyes are even darker than the normal grey most trolls wear, you are sure. You are so sleepy. No troll really sleeps well. Even without the daymares there seems to always be something missing. It’s strange that an entire species could be so bad at such a basic thing as sleeping, but you don’t know much about psychology. If you were one of the Empire’s top psychologists, you would know the one word that answers why trolls suffer from so many sleep abnormalities: hellifiknow.

You do know that’s it’s hard to get some decent sleep when you haven’t slept for days. You don’t even remember what your recuperacoon looks like. You think it has a nice wide opening. Yeah, that sounds pretty great. It would suck if you lived in a world where you couldn’t afford a non-standard recuperacoon.

You are electronically deducting credits from the account of a guest when a yawn comes up on you.  You close your eyes and when you open them you see a figure in the corner of the room. A girl stands with her back turned from you and her head down. All you can see is her wild tangled but glossy hair. She is your age (most of your customers are older) and she wears a white dress. You have a feeling you should recognize her but your think pan is like refined tree sap being kept at below freezing temperatures. The names of every troll you know and several species of shark come to mind, but every name seems as valid as the next and they all sound equally meaningless.   

Her head bobs up and down and you realize she is crying. Crying so publicly is taboo in troll society. It’s a sign of weakness and trolls can’t abide weakness. This situation requires your attention. You leave your post and walk past the anxious and potential violent queue. You hear people whisper and you feel further embarrassed that you can’t remember her name. You approach her slowly and say in what you hope is an appropriate tone.

  
AT: hey, YOU,

She turns around suddenly, her hair whipping dramatically as if from some unfelt wind. Her tear filled face is too perfect. Her eyes aren’t puffy, her indigo mascara barely runs, and her nose isn’t spewing gobs. Instead of pity of any kind, you feel relief you finally recognized her. You give Vriska Serket the first genuine smile you have ever given her. And then she stabs you in the hip. 

  
> be in hospital

Is it “in hospital” or “in the hospital”? You can’t remember.   


Anyway, you are sitting in the MEDICAL DEBRIEFING CHAMBER. Tonight you will be released from the hospital after staying two nights! Wow, it’s great being a highblood. Such great medical care.

Your MEDISISTER is debriefing you. Most of the doctoring is done by robots. MEDISISTERS are there to provide cocoonside manners and keep the MEDIDRONES from eating the patients. The Earth equivalent would be nurses with more cool doctor responsibilities and less gross nurse responsibilities. While there are many highly-skilled professional medisisters throughout the galaxy, on the home planet they are all adolescents who work part-time for extra allowance and other perks. So they’re more like the Alternian equivalent of candy-stripers.

  


 

Your medisister is SCANDE FRUEDE. She is eight solar sweeps old and has blue-green blood. Most medisisters are midbloods one or two sweeps away from boarding the maturity shuttle. She does have a quirk, but it’s only on the /ʒ/ sound so it doesn’t really affect her speech much.

  
MS: So basically you were stabbed in the right side of your pelvis and then the dagger was pulled up to your lower gills, and when you doubled over she slashed your thigh and your left knee.   
AT: wow, I WAS THERE and I DIDN’T KNOW ALL THAT HAPPENED,   
  
  
MS: The bleeding has stopped completely, so you don’t need to worry about it unless you do something really strenuous.   
AT: that’s GOOD,   
AT: i’d HATE TO MAKE A MESS,   
MS: Actually, if you do start bleeding again, it’s likely to be internal, so you won’t make a mess!   
AT: uhh, OKAY,   
MS: How’s your left knee?   
AT: it’s STIFF and I CAN’T REALLY MOVE IT WELL,   
MS: Yes, when I did the reflex text there you didn’t kick.   
AT: uhh, WHEN DID YOU DO THAT,   
MS: Your knee joint is inflamed, but that will get better.   
AT: what ABOUT THE INJURIES, uhh, UP HIGHER,   
MS: Don’t worry!   
MS: You aren’t totally a eunuch!   
AT: uhh,   
MS: Oh, you mean over the right!   
MS: Your matesprit did quite a number on your hip.   
AT: uhh, SHE’S NOT MY MATESPRIT,   
MS: Your kismesis cut several muscles in your pelvis and seared a nerve with her legendary doo-hickey.   
MS: The abductor muscles in your right leg are weak.   
AT: uhh, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN,   
MS: You walk all funny like with your body swinging back and forth.   
AT: oh,   
AT: how DO I NOT WALK FUNNY,   
MS: You can use a cane to support your leg.   
MS: Here!   
  
You have received ORTHOPEDIC CANE!

You use the cane as leverage to stand up.

MS: Good, but you have your cane in the wrong hand.   
AT: oh, OOPS, I THOUGHT IT WENT ON MY RIGHT SIDE, to REPLACE THAT LEG,   
MS: No, you equip the cane to the opposite of your bad leg.   
MS: Though I guess they’re both your bad leg but the right one is worse.   
AT: speaking OF EQUIPPING, i SORTA NEED MY HANDS FREE,   
AT: i USE A MODIFIED FISTKIND STRIFE SPECIBUS, IT’S KIND OF MY THING, AS A BOUNCER,   
MS: There’s a canekind card in that chest over there.   
AT: oh, I WAS WONDERING, WHAT THAT CHEST WAS DOING THERE,   
MS: I’ll go get it for you.   
AT: no, I WANT TO WALK, with MY CANE,   
MS: Actually, that’s a good idea.   
MS: Let’s see you walk.

You take a few steps forward. The medisister looks concerned.

MS: Is the pain bothering you?   
AT: ma’am, PAIN DON’T HURT,   
AT: uhh, OWW,   
MS: Let me give you some powerful oral opioids.   
  
AT: but I DON’T USE DRUGS,   
MS: But these aren’t drugs!   
MS: Well, they are but not that kind.    
MS: Don’t you take synthetic salicylic acid tablets when you have a think pan attack?   
AT: no,   
MS: Not dealing with your pain may have serious consequences!   
AT: and, uhh, WON’T USING DRUGS, uhh, MAYBE HAVE SERIOUS CONSEQUENCES,   
MS: Just don’t take it with intoxicating beverages or stand near an open flame.   
AT: i’m, uhh, NOT SURE ABOUT THIS,   
MS: Suit yourself, but take this bottle anyway.

You store the pills in some obscure part of your sylladex. You then continue your quest across the room.   
  
You have received CANEKIND!

MS: Good job! But your butt’s showing.   
AT: oh, NO,   
MS: You need to unwardrobify your hospital robe.    
AT: and WEAR NOTHING,   
AT: i think MY BUTT WOULD SHOW MORE, then,   
MS: Oh yeah I should probably give you back your effects.

  
AT: uhh, THESE ARE KIND OF IN DISREPAIR, and COVERED IN BLOOD,   
MS: Sorry, nobody dropped off any fresh clothes for you.   
AT: so THAT’S WHAT USUALLY HAPPENS,   
MS: Yeah, usually the patient’s friends come by and give them stuff.   
AT: friends,   
MS: About that, I almost forgot your get-well gift.   
AT: a gift OH BOY,   
MS: Now you want it? Before you told me to burn it.   
AT: oh YOU MEAN THE BOUQUET,   
MS: It was too damp to properly burn so you can have the charred remains.    
AT: i THOUGHT, THERE WAS ANOTHER GIFT,   
MS: Those filthy drawings? You are not getting those back young troll!   
AT: uhh, NO, NOT THAT,   
AT: i meant, A GIFT FROM SOMEONE WHO ISN’T VRISKA,   
MS: Nope!   
MS: No one else gave you anything.  
  
AT: oh,   
MS: But you’re rich, you can just buy anything you want, you lucky seaduck!   
AT: yeah, THAT IS TRUE,   
AT: there’s NOTHING THAT I LACK, MATERIALWISE,   
MS: But you do lack fresh clothes!   
MS: Here’s some sweatpants and a black write-on shirt.

You wardrobify into the clothes.

AT: so DO I KEEP THESE, or,   
MS: Don’t worry, it’s all part of the package, along with your medication and your cane.   
AT: yeah, THANKS FOR THAT,   
AT: so HOW LONG WILL I HAVE TO USE A CANE TO WALK,   
MS: Hmmm, I’d say for the duration of forever.   
AT: oh my GOD THAT LONG,   
MS: There is hope.   
MS: I don’t think you’ll still be crippled in the afterlife, that would be totally unfair, wouldn’t it?   
AT: i GUESS,   
MS: But I’m not the one interested in theology.   
AT: so I HAVE DEATH, uhh, TO LOOK FORWARD TO,   
MS: Well, you are a highblood, so it’s less likely that you’ll get culled.   
AT: i WASN’T EVEN THINKING OF THAT,   
MS: Oh poo, I should know better not to bring up culling, I work in a hospital for grub’s sake.   
AT: don’t WORRY, i CAN BE BRAVE, IN THE FACE OF DEATH, i THINK,   
MS: You aren’t in that bad a shape.   
MS: Your left leg wasn’t cut up that much, and the damage to your hip isn’t that widespread.   
MS: It was a miracle your girlfriend didn’t ruin more functions!   
AT: a MIRACLE, YOU SAY,   
MS: You may have to use a cane for life, but at least you don’t have to use a diaper.   
AT: ewww,   
MS: And you don’t have to worry about the Imperial Drone culling you, big boy.   
AT: uhhh, ewww,   
MS: Oh Mother Grub why does every other line have to be an innuendo?   
MS: This kid’s too young for me.   
AT: i think, I’M TOO YOUNG FOR ANYONE, uhh, WHEN IT COMES TO THAT STUFF,   
MS: Don’t worry, some night troll puberty will come barreling down on you.   
MS: Well, that’s everything.   
AT: can I GO HOME NOW,   
MS: Sure! Your skyhorse is outside.   
MS: Just take your pills and practice your cane combat and everything will work out, fate willing.   
AT: i GUESS I’LL TAKE MY CANE, and THEN MY LUSUS, and THEN MAYBE MY LEGAL DRUGS, and JUST GENERALLY TAKE MY LEAVE,   
MS: It was a plea3 knowing you, Prince Nitram.   
AT: good BYE, ms. fruede,

You hobble out the room. As you reach the doorway, the medisister calls out to you.

  
MS: Wait, I forgot one more thing!   
AT: what,   
MS: You’ll never be able to swim again.   


AT: what,   
MS: Well, you can swim a little, in really calm waters, but nothing rough.   
AT: why,   
MS: I kind of thought you figured that out already, what with the barely being able to walk.   
AT: uhh, so I’LL NEVER, EVER, BE ABLE TO GO INTO THE OCEAN, AGAIN,   
MS: Oops, I guess that’s a big thing for sea-dwellers.   
MS: Sorry!   
AT: but WHAT ABOUT ROBOTIC LIMBS,   
MS: The medidrones would have to amputate at the waist and you would just be heavy along with immobile.   
MS: Plus they haven’t made artificial gills yet.   
AT: so there’s SOMETHING WRONG WITH MY GILLS,   
MS: Oh sorry, forgot to mention your right gills are damaged.   
MS: Where is my head tonight?

You stand in shock for a moment. You feel like you have been banished. You have been banished. You will never dwell in your beloved sea ever again. You will never swim next to the wildlife you study. You will never have a chance to see a mermaid. Your fantasies are dead. And she just smiles.

  
AT: some people SAY, MEDISISTERS ARE ALL JUST LOWBLOODS LOOKING TO CATCH THEIR OWN HIGHBLOOD, but i DON’T THINK YOU WOULD TRAP ANY NOBLETROLL,   
MS: Uh, thanks?

You leave, both ashamed and pleased by your last remark. Outside the hospital on the beach is a stable for lusii. You walk uneasily on the beach. The soft sand makes your hip sting every time your foot sinks into it. It’s a short distance to the stable, but it feels like a mile. You enter the nearly empty stable. Madison neighs immediately upon seeing you. A brown-blooded valet turns to you, looks at your facefins, and then snorts. Though the relationship between sea and land isn’t as bad as it was before MU, for many land dwellers the only good sea troll is the Empress. The chauvinistic land troll seems to bother your lusus a little, but you don’t mind. You’re not important. The valet has a little trouble communing with your lusus, but he soon confirms that you are his charge and no funny business is happening. He nods in your direction, and you walk over to the stall. Madison bows his head and you stroke it with your one unoccupied hand. It feels so good to touch your lusus again. He neighs at the attention. You open the stall door. His tack is next to him so you easily get him saddled up. It’s not so easy mounting him. Turns out it’s hard to get on a steed when you can’t swing your leg out. You try several times, one time falling over and almost embedding your horns into the wall. Your lusus grows anxious and starts whinnying and generally flipping out. Embarrassed, you ask the valet if it wouldn’t be too much trouble if he could help you up. He doesn’t reply, for a moment, but then he sighs and mumbles something about pitying the skyhorse before coming over. He commands the skyhorse to be calm, and then pushes you up onto the saddle. You fly out the open door into the night.

When you get home, you remember that you have stairs in your hive. You’ll need to renovate. Leaning awkwardly over you manage to open the door while remaining seated, and then you actually fly Madison up the stairs. When you get to the top of the stairs you dismount via falling. You lay there for a moment at the top of the stairs, your lusus nudging you. You stroke his neck again and apologize for riding him inside. You crawl over to the bathblock. You fill the tub, strip, and throw yourself in. Your body is covered with scars. You try and open your gills, and realize the medisister was right. This whole thing is too depressing for you, so you decide to only take a quick bath. You need to redo your highlights. You shampoo your mohawk, and then reach for the hair dye. You are out of your normal purple, so you use hot pink. You roll out of the bath and onto a towel. You crawl to your respiteblock. You equip your normal shirt and pants, but on a whim you put on a pink jacket. You equip your rings. You still haven’t changed to canekind. It just doesn’t seem right yet.

 

You use your cane to stand up and stop crawling everywhere. You go over to your desk and turn on your husktop. You could have checked your messages earlier on your PDA but you wanted to wait until you were safe at home. You’ve been imagining the wonderful moment when you saw all the emails and trolls you got while you were out. There are no messages. 

You get up and walk to your tank. You want to pace around like you normally do. You don’t like sitting in a chair all the time. However, now walking requires conscious thought. With each step you have to calculate how much pain it will cause. Even when you aren’t walking pain is a constant. It’s like some annoying noise. You can ignore it for the most part but then it suddenly crescendos and you have to distract yourself. You take out the bottle of pain drugs. It says take two tablets but you break one unevenly and take the smaller half. You look at the mermaids. It’s silly taking the drugs. The pain isn’t that bad. There’s been worse pain in your life. This pain is actually exhilarating. You feel dizzy with brain chemicals. You feel some strange, new, almost tingling feeling. It comes barreling down upon you. You’ve never felt this way before. Well, maybe a little, while looking at the bare-thoraxed mermaids, but you’ve never felt it this strongly. Wonder what that means. You turn away from your posters and blush slightly. 

There are going to be a lot of changes to your hive from now on. You’ll need to get some carpentry drones in to renovate, and you’ll need more robots in general around the hive. Right now you only have one custodial drone. Soon your hive will look like Gamzee’s personal space with all the robots. That makes you think you should head over to MU. You don’t want to hang around here watching your fish swim.

You call for Madison and your custodial drone. With the drone’s help you succeed in accomplishing mounting your steed in only six times the normal time it takes. When you get to MU you again use your new falling dismount. You are happy for the soft sand until you try and walk. You enter through the employee’s entrance and walk the hallway. It seems MU isn’t open, though that’s not surprising. It is vaguely the Alternian equivalent of fourteen past four in the afternoon. You reach Gamzee’s office. You hope he’s in the above water part and not down in the tank. Oh, of course he’s above water. He probably has a banner for you, no, a surprise party. Maybe that’s why the place is so empty. You place your hand on the biometric panel and the door opens. The room is dark, darker than normal, but that’s the way it usually is. You don’t see anything special. Just the normal android statues and assorted crap that somehow has something to do with his religion. Gamzee is the only one there. He’s in the middle of the room, lying on his weirdly shaped vaguely pyramidal desk. You don’t think he has ever used it as a desk. He’s sprawled out with his feet leveled above his head. You aren’t sure if he sees you and with his shades you can’t tell if his eyes are even open. You cough. He moves his head up a little.

  
TC:    
jourbon   
, my   
reuf   
  
AT: hi, gamzee,   
TC: youlook D I F F E R E N T   
AT: yeah, THERE’S BEEN SOME CHANGES, TO SAY THE LEAST,   
TC: I N T E R E S T I N G newlook   
TC: butwhereareyougoing withthat D O G H E A D thing?   
AT: i think, YOU’RE HALLUCINATING THE WRONG THING, again,   
TC: needtogetsome P I N K into myhead,

Gamzee does an acrobatic flip and lands facing you. You wish you could do that after your accident. You surely couldn’t do it before. He walks over to you.

  
TC: soyou’re B A C K, myfavorite   
reuf   
TC: i’m H A P P Y tosee yourbighorns   
AT: i’m GLAD, THAT YOU’RE GLAD,

He places his hand on your shoulder. It feels cold, like he was recently in the water. Normal you would feel happy at his touch, but it makes you sad. 

TC: S O   
TC: couldyou bounceforme T O D A Y? thatwouldbe   
grand

You feel that feeling.   
  
AT: uhh, GIVEN THAT I WAS JUST RECENTLY, uhh, HOSPITALIZED, uhh, AFTER BEING ATTACKED ON THE JOB, some people MIGHT SAY...   
AT: some people MIGHT SAY...   
AT: uhh,   
TC: comeon spititout   
AT: some people MIGHT SAY...   
  
AT: RUFIO! says you’re a horrible person!

> unleash the fury that is RUFIO!

Before he has a chance to get up, you hobble quickly over to him. You finally switch to canekind and hit his bare feet. He glubs in pain and falls over in a crumpled heap.

  
TC: tavros WHY?   
AT: This is RUFIO!   
TC: ohglub not T H I S

You strike him against the face and he shuts up. He puts up no resistance except putting up his arms. You just strike them repeatedly, leaving pink stripes on them. His eyes are dilated and even with all the drugs you can tell he’s in pain. You savor his pain. You are violent. You have been violent before, after all it is part of your job, but you’ve never really enjoyed it. It was just work. This is your hobby.   


TC: S T O P    
jemerends   
  
AT: That’s just like you,   
AT: Good thing RUFIO! is not going to grief you as much as you deserve,   
AT: After all, you are still the highest troll on the hemospectrum, even if you act as a race traitor.   
AT: But RUFIO! says you’re still a bloody, uhh, you’re still a bloody BERK!

You leave him to floorsit. You walk confidently out. Time to bounce.

You enter the lobbi-foyer. The usual group of regulars are standing around, waiting to hear the news. They are bedecked in what passes for clubing outfits amoung trolls, many subtly almost breaking sumptory laws. They stop their little conversations and look up when your blood-flaked cane hits the floor. They look at you anxiously, shedding any cultured apathy. The crowd is mostly noble seatrolls, but you spot way too many filthy mud steppers. Way in the back is the worst land dweller of them all. Her back is turned and she looks at her left wrist while tapping her foot. She starts to leave when she hears your loud footsteps. She twirls around and gives you a large, toothy grin. And then you push the butt of your cane into her sternum. 

She falls down, palms on the floor, and you quickly take advantage of her surprise. You step on a pressure point in the crook of her right arm. She shrieks and tries to get up, but you just press your weight further in. She equips her dagger to her left hand and thrust it wildly up. Bad move. You grab her wrist and crush it.

  
AT: RUFIO! says a skank like you shouldn’t dare attack a posh bastard like him,

Vriska whispers “Rufio”. You hear everyone around you chatter about Rufio. None of the bystanders dare intervene. 

She’s disarmed, but you want to disarm her further. You tighten your grip on her arm and yank it right out of the socket. She screams in pain and stops wriggling. You pull on the arm, harder and harder, tearing the muscles and tendons, until you rip it right off. 

  
AT: RUFIO! thinks Maryam Esquire would agree a limb for a limb is more than fair,

The other trolls may not agree, but none dare say anything. They don’t want to auspictize. A purple-blooded troll half-heartedly steps forward but another troll, likely her moirail, stops her. A green-blooded troll with a weak digestive organ faints at the sight. Weakling. All weaklings. You captchalogue your trophy and raise your head to the crowd. You gesture with your cane as you declare

  
AT: RUFIO! says that Tavros is gone, and all you mudbloods and race traitors should go too,   
AT: If RUFIO! had his way, he’d have all of you culled!

You step over the pale and sweaty avengingGrub and walk to the door, leaving bloody footprints in your trace.

MU is closed for the duration of forever. This is why you shouldn’t go into business with a friend. Also why you shouldn’t have friends.         

[](https://docs.google.com/document/d/1_T939PEPZZt8w_2DqGKRfxooiSmVgd4d4lGv12tzCpg/edit?hl=en&authkey=CNaMubMO)   
     



	20. Friendship

>   
everyone: react   
  
  
cubistTentacles [CT]   
began trolling    
auditoriumCrucifer [AC]

  
CT: ~> nepeta, i have something important to tell you   
  
AC: ac raves “Has ct...tracked down the white text guy?”   
  
CT: ~> not yet but i have something to tell you as a moirail   
  
AC: “That doesn’t sound good...”   
  
CT: ~> you need to stay away from prince nitram   
  
AC: “ct has told ac that before...”   
  
AC: “She hardly ever visits him.”   
  
CT: ~> it’s now more important than ever that you avoid him   
  
AC: “Yes...we know...he’s a highblooded seadweller...”   
  
CT: ~> he is now behaving like a proper highbl00ded seadweller   
  
AC: “Expostion, please!”   
  
CT: ~> he has sworn an endless vendetta against all landdwellers   
  
AC: “Oh [expletive deleted]!”   
  
CT: ~> you need to work on your cursing   
  
AC: “ac knows at is disabled...he sent me an email about that...but he is very clever.”   
  
AC: “He spends all his time mastering tactical games...on his gamerail...while he works.”   
AC:  ac raves “I’m afraid of what horrible schemes he could conjure up!   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
AC: “…or maybe not.”   
CT: ~> he has already seriously injuried thirteen trolls and killed five with his fist and cane   
AC: “In a row?”   
CT: ~> he has been choosing his fisticuffs victims in strange haphazard order   
CT: ~> he is carrying out this vendetta in a most inefficient manner   
AC: “Is ct…a professional genocide critic?”   
CT: ~> i wouldn’t dare critique someone as high as him   
CT: ~> however I must say he hasn’t limited his frightening and entirely justified rampage to lowbl00ds   
CT: ~> he ripped the arm off the noble if incredible dangerous vriska sekret   
AC: ac raves “…owww…”   
CT: ~> but not before br00tally beating the heir apparent to the alternian throne   
AC: “Oh [expletive deleted] the sequel!”   
AC: “I don’t ship him and the dj that way!”   
CT: ~> moirail, you are much t00 obsessed with the mating life of your s00periors   
AC: “…mostly shipped them as moirails.”   
AC: “Tavros Nitram already directed Gamzee Makara’s life…without making it official.”   
CT: ~> that sounds very improper to me   
CT: ~> though i suppose lower bl00ds are generally more even tempered so they should manage the higher bl00ds   
CT: ~> in a very limited sense, of course   
AC: “But in a shocking twist…it’s now at who needs the directorial input!”   
CT: ~> but who would dare confront such a STRONG beast?   
AC: “He is very well-endowed…with strength.”   
AC: “Equius?”   
AC: “Are you still there?”   
CT: ~> yes   
AC: “However, tc isn’t totally…a helpless load.”   
AC: ac asks the viewers “Did turntechCaptain (Gamzee Makara) grief back?”   
CT: ~> no   
CT: ~> he shamefully submitted to the STRONG blows of his inferior   
AC: “He didn’t even try…to put his friend in a hold?”   
CT: ~> from what i’ve heard, no   
CT: ~> the heir does poll00te his most beautiful bl00d with the most vile substances   
AC: “The dj may…party…a lot…but he is high-functioning.”   
AC: “He’s lighting fast…and very flexible.”   
CT: ~> really   
CT: ~> that is very interesting   
AC: “…just don’t get the blocking of that scene.”   
AC: “Is ct sure he interpreted it right?”   
CT: ~> DO YOU THINK I HAVEN’T HAD THAT L00WD SCENE PLAY IN MY MIND OVER AND OVER?   
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


cubistTentacles’s [CT’S]   
computer exploded.

AC: “…not again.”

gregariousClothier [GC]   
began trolling    
creepingGunsel [CG]

GC: HELLO PU22YKAT   
CG: THIS IS ABOUT VRISKA, isn’t it?   
GC: NEW2 TRAVEL2 THAT FA2T, HUH   
CG: OF COURSE, I’VE GOT MY EARS PRICKED, and don’t call me pussykat!   
GC: 2O YOU KNOW 2HE 6OT HER ARM R1PPED OFF BY TAVROS YE2TERDAY   
CG: HAS SHE GOTTEN ANY HELP for the arm?   
GC: 1 MADE HER A JACKET 2O 2HE DOESN’T LOOK SO CRAPPY   
CG: I MEAN FOR THE GAPPING WOUND, you deranged fascisnista.   
GC: 1 CLEANED AND 2EWED UP THE WOUND   
CG: YOU DIDN’T TAKE HER to the hospital?   
GC: HO2P1TAL SCHMO2P1TAL 1T’S NOT L1KE THEY COULD REATTACH HER ARM AFTER TAVRO2 2TOLE 1T   
GC: BE2IDE2 1’VE BECOME QU1TE THE MED12I2TER   
GC: DO YOU KNOW 1 WA2 THE ONE WHO SCOOPED OUT KANAYA’2 DESTROYED EYE?   
CG: ISN’T SHE blind now?   
GC: MO2TLY BL1ND, 2HE EMA1LED ME A ME22A6E THAT 2HE THOUGHT WA2 ONLY PA22IVE-AGRE221VE, HA HA HA   
GC: OTHERW12E 2HE HA2N’T TALKED TO ANYONE EL2E   
CG: BUT YOU AREN’T DISTURBED BY THE PILE OF BROKEN BODIES VRISKA LEAVES ON YOU DOORSTEP as presents?   
GC: MO2T OF THEM PROBABLY DE2ERVED 1T   
CG: WHICH BRINGS ME TO THE REAL REASON YOU CALLED ON ME, not simply to tell me gossip everyone has heard.   
CG: YOU’RE WONDERING, “WHY OH WHY WHAT DID VRISKA DO TO GET SUCH TREATMENT, besides everything she has ever done?”   
GC: 1’M NOT BL1ND TO VR12KA’2 ACT1ON2   
GC: 1 KNOW 2HE HA2 TON2 OF BLACK 2U1TOR2   
GC: AND OBVIOU2LY TAVRO2 HA2 A 6OOD CA2E FOR REVENGE   
GC: BUT WHY WOULD TAVRO2 2UDDENLY 2TART REVEN61N6 THE CRAP OUT OF PEOPLE 1N2TEAD OF ACT1N6 PROFE221ONAL?   
CG: YOU WANT TO KNOW WHY TAVROS CRACKED, i see.   
GC: YE2, BROTHER 2HARP, THAT’2 EXACTLY WHAT 1’M A2K1N6   
GC: YOU ALWAY2 MAKE PEOPLE 2PELL TH1N6S OUT 2O YOU CAN PRETEND YOU’RE THE CLEVER ONE AND NOT JU2T TOTALLY LO2T   
GC: YOU TRY AND BE THE WI2E FOOL WHEN YOU’RE JU2T A FOOL   
CG: YOU’RE THE ONE COMING TO ME for my expert advice.   
GC: NO DUH, I’M HERE FOR YOURE P2YCHOLO6Y   
CG: YES, I AM PSYCHOLOGY in its entirety.   
GC: A6A1N YOU DO THAT W12E FOOL 2CHT1CK   
GC: HA 1T’2 ACTUALLY RATHER ADORABLE   
CG: HOW AM I ADORABLE in any way?   
GC: YOU TH1NK YOU CAN T1DY UP YOUR M1ND L1KE A L1TTLE MA1D BUT YOU’RE TOO CLUM2Y   
GC: YOU’RE JU2T A COLD AND LO2T K1TTY WHO WANT2 A N1CE WARM H1VE   
CG: ARE YOU JUST GOING TO PALE FLIRT WITH ME or are we going to get down to business?   
GC: 1’M OPEN FOR BU21NE22 >;)   
CG: UGHHH.   
CG: I HAVE STUDIED THE REPORTS OF TAVROS NITRAM’S new troubling behavior.   
CG: I HAVE NOT GOTTEN THE CHANCE TO MEET THE PAITENT because like hell i’m going to do that.   
CG: TAVROS NITRAM ISN’T ACTING HIS SELF, but he is still the same person.   
CG: HE ISN’T POSSESED, AS FAR AS I CAN TELL, SINCE SUCH SUPERNATURAL ACTIVITY WOULD BE HIGHLY UNUSUAL in a psychically resistent seablooded troll.   
CG: SEATROLLS ARE ESPECIALLY RESISTANT TO PSYCHIC ATTACKS AS AN EVOLUTIONARY DEFENSE AGAINST ALL THE FREAKY PAN-SUCKING LIFE DOWN THERE, fuck the ocean.   
GC: 2TAY ON TOP1C   
CG: ANYWAY, WE CAN RULE OUT THAT NITRAM IS ACTING ON A WILL not his own.   
GC: 2O HE JU2T DEC1DED TO CHAN6E H12 NAME AND WEAR A RATHER FETCH1N6 P1NK COLOR?   
CG: NO, WRONG, you’re totally wrong.   
CG: NITRAM MAY BE ACTING ON HIS OWN WILL, BUT HS THOUGHTS ARE SEPARATE from his old self.   
CG: HIS TOTALLY FLIPPED ATTITUDE TOWARDS LANDDWELLERS shows this.   
CG: IN ADDITION, NOT ONLY DOES HE REFUSE TO RESPOND TO THE NAME TAVROS, HE DOESN’T EVEN SHOW AN INSTINICTAL REACTION to the name.   
CG: GONE IS THE ALPHA PERSONALITY OF TAVROS NITRAM, who actually acted pretty beta.   
CG: HIS FUCKED-UP HIGHSTRUNG HIGHBLOOD MIND HAS SPLINTERED INTO TWO distinct personalities.   
GC: HE HA2 MULT1PLE PER2ONAL1TY DI2ORDER THEN   
CG: NO, IT’S CALLED DISASSOCIATIVE PERSONALITY DISORDER by me.   
CG: WITHOUT FURTHER STUDY, WE CANNOT DETERMINE HOW DISASSOCIATED that poor jerk is.   
CG: THE TAVROS PERSONALITY MAY STILL BE CONSCIOUS AND WATCHING THE WHOLE THING like some bad movie.   
GC: OR MAYBE HE’2 JU2T PRETEND1NG TO BE 2OMEONE EL2E 2O HE CAN GO AROUND PUNCH1N6 PEOPLE   
CG: IF YOU’RE GOING TO BE SO FUCKING SKEPTICAL THEN DON’T CALL ME for my opinion.   
GC: JU2T BECAU2E 1 A2K FOR YOUR OP1N1ON DOE2N’T MEAN 1 HAVE TO A6REE W1TH YOUR BULL2H1T   
CG: TAVROS DID CREATE THE ALTERNATE PERSONALITY of rufio, that is probably true.   
CG: IF HE WERE A LOWBLOOD, THIS ALTER WHO DOES WHAT TAVROS WOULD NEVER DARE TO DO MIGHT HAVE STAYED sme imaginary fakey friend.   
CG: BUT INSTEAD TAVROS FLIPPED OUT UNDER STRESS AND REVENGED HIMSELF on vriska.   
GC: I hate RUFIO!!!!!!!!!! @n@   
CG: OH NO NOW TEREZI HAS DEVELOPED ANOTHER PERSONALITY and this one’s shit!   
GC: stupid kitty it’s me vwiska!   
CG: I KNOW, DUMPASS, it’s a joke.   
CG: YOU MIGHT RECOGNIZE SUCH CONVERSATIONAL TROPES IF YOU EVER TALKED TO PEOPLE before stabbing them.   
CG: NOW HOW THE HELL DOES A ONE-ARMED GIRL STEAL A KEYBOARD FROM SOMEONE while they’re typing?   
GC: i stiww have feet! @v@   
CG: HAHAHA poor terezi.   
CG: COURSE I ALREADY FEEL SORRY FOR HER DEALING WITH A NOOKSNIFFER like you.   
CG: I WOULD HAVE KICKED YOU OUT OF MY HIVE seasons ago.   
CG: HEY VRISKA you still there?   
CG: AREN’T YOU GOING TO TROLL BACK WITH SOME OH-SO-CLEVER REMARK ABOUT HOW I DON’T EVEN HAVE a hive?   
GC: you twy typing with one hand whiwe fighting off someone.   
CG: I DIDN’T KNOW YOU KNEW HOW to type.   
CG: I THOUGHT YOU JUST MANAGED TO PECK OUT ALMOST COHERENT SENTENCES while looking for the w key.   
GC: at weast i know how to use the CAPS LOCK button.   
CG: YOU MET TAVROS’ ALTERNATE PERSONALITY, what do you have to say about him?   
GC: RUFIO! is totawwy not my pwecious tavwos.   
GC: you’we WRONG, he’s anothew poopyhead jewk bwack suitow.   
CG: SO YOU THINK SOMEONE KIDNAPPED THE PRINCE AND REPLACED HIM WITH SOMEONE who looks exactly like him.   
CG: THAT’S ONE WAY TO GET OUT of revenge.   
GC: you’we happy about RUFIO!   
CG: DON’T GET ME WRONG, I’M NEVER GOING TO CHEER any racist on.   
CG: THIS TURN OF HIS IS SO TRAGIC BECAUSE HIS LUSUS DIED fighting the fascists.   
GC: what awe you tawking about, schizo?   
CG: I WAS THINKING OF A DIFFERENT pink guy.   
CG: I THINK WHAT HE DID TO YOU was totally morally wrong.   
CG: EITHER KILL SOMEONE OR DON’T, DON’T MAIM THEM and steal their arm as some sick trophy.   
CG: BUT I’D BE LYING IF I DIDN’T SAY THE THOUGHT WARMS my vascular pumping organ.   
GC: sadist!!!!!!!!!!   
CG: THAT IS THE MOST IRONIC INSULT I HAVE EVER HEARD in my life.   
CG: HOLD ON I’M GETTING another message.   
CG: IT’S FROM you?   
CG: WHAT THE fuck?

creepingGunsel [CG]    
ceased trolling    
gregariousClothier [GC]

avengingGrub [AG] began trolling creepingGunsel [CG]

AG: HEY KARKAT, 1T’2 ME, TEREZ1   
AG: 1 LO66ED ONTO VR12KA’2 ACCOUNT ON MY PDA   
CG: SHE GAVE YOU her password?   
AG: NO, 1 JU2T 6UE22ED 1T   
AG: 2HE NEED2 TO CHAN6E 1T FROM “paaaaaaaaaasswowd” HA HA HA   
CG: FLARP MUST BE AN EVEN SADDER GAME THAN I THOUGHT IF SHE’S the top player.   
AG: A2 MUCH A2 1 LOVE WATCH1N6 YOU BLACK FL1RT W1TH VR12KA, WE 2HOULD 2PEND 2OME T1ME TO6ETHER >;)   
CG: I AM NOT BLACK FLIRTING with her.   
CG: IF YOU EVER WITNESSED ME BLACK FLIRTING YOU WOULD SWOON at the sheer poetry in motion.   
AG: PERHAP2 YOU NEED AN AU2P1CT12E HA HA HA   
CG: NO.   
CG: AT THE RATE SHE’S GOING, VRISKA WILL LOSE ALL HER LIMBS in a few nights.   
AG: HA 12 THAT ONE OF YOUR PRED1CT1ON2?   
CG: WHO AM I KIDDING that won’t happen.   
CG: WE NEED TO GET BACK TO THE ACTUALLY REASON you call me.   
AG: YE2, TAVRO2 AND H12 FUCKED UP RELAT1ON2H1P WITH THE HE1R DJ TURNTECH CAPTA1N   
CG: IT’2 NOT THAT COMPLEX, RUFIO JUST CHANGED to having some sort of black crush on his boss.   
CG: FROM WHAT I’VE HEARD HE’S WAXING OBSIDIAN for everyone.   
CG: NOW YOU AND VRISKA, THAT’S a fucked up relationship.   
AG: NOW WHO’2 6ETT1N6 OFF TOP1C?   
CG: IT’S NOT THAT HARD TO GET DISTRACTED WITH THAT YOU’RE SNEAKING ONTO HER ACCOUNT instead of bashing her over the head.   
CG: YOU HAVE THE OPPOSITE of a moirallegiance.   
AG: WE DON’T HAVE A MO1RALLE61ANCE AT ALL   
CG: MORE LIKE YOU’RE AFRAID TO PURSUE that antisocial bitch.   
AG: 2PEAK1N6 OF AFRA1D   
AG: YOU AND 2OLLUX HAVE A FUCKED UP RELAT1ON2H1P   
CG: ARE YOU TRYING TO SINK us again?   
AG: YOU 2HOULD JU2T ADM1T YOU TR1ED TO 6ET H1M 1NTO YOUR CONCUP12CENT QUADRANT2 AND 2ETTLED FOR CONC1LLATORY   
CG: I WILL ADMIT NO SUCH THING because it isn’t true.   
CG: WE ARE SO FUCKING HAPPY and you can’t stand it.   
AG: THAT’2 NOT WHAT YOU TELL ME WHEN YOU POUR OUT YOUR TALE2 OF WOOOOE   
CG: DON’T START DOING THE VRISKA THING, it’s bad enough i have to look at her color.   
CG: THIS HAPPENS always.   
CG: YOU TROLL ME FOR SOMETHING ELSE but it always turns into relationship talk.   
CG: WISH YOU WOULD START OFF ON IT SO I COULD HAVE THE CHANCE TO BLOCK YOU right off the bat.   
AG: WHY DON’T YOU BLOCK ME NOW, PU22YKAT?   
CG: FUCK you.   
CG: I CAN’T GIVE YOU WHAT YOU WANT if you don’t even know what you want.   
AG: THEN TRY ANALYZING ME >;)   
CG: SPEAKING of analyse   
CG: DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER QUESTIONS about tavros nitram?   
AG: WHAT MADE TAVRO2 SO AN6RY?   
CG: DO TROLLS NEED A SPECIAL REASON to be angry?   
CG: THE WEIRD PART IS HE WASN’T angry before.   
AG: THAT’2 WHAT YOU TH1NK ABOUT TROLL EMOT1ON2   
AG: WHY DON’T YOU ANALYZE YOUR2ELF F1R2T?   
AG: YOU ARE P2YCHOLOGY

avengingGrub [AG]    
ceased trolling    
creepingGunsel [CG]

CG: I DO KIND OF LIKE YOU a little.

GC: karkat?   
GC: kaaaaaaaaaarkat?   
GC: poopyhead. <3<

cubistTentacles [CT]    
began trolling    
auditoriumCrucifer [AC]

CT: ~> i have gotten the computer situation under control   
CT: ~> luckily I keep five internet-accessible devices on me at all times   
AC: “Does ac really have to stay away from her friend?”   
AC: “…could maybe calm him down.”   
AC: “…in a way that wouldn’t be pale infidelity.”   
CT: ~> i’m afraid at this point he has no affection for any landdweller, especially ones that are low on the hemospectrum   
AC: “But I thought him it was pronounced disko-tek and not disko-thek!”   
CT: ~> i don’t think he appreciates that   
AC: “I hate…losing a friend.”   
CT: ~> perhaps you will take this as a lesson to avoid fraternizing with highbl00ds   
CT: ~> excuse me, i have a computer I need to repair

cubistTentacles [CT]   
ceased trolling    
auditoriumCrucifer [AC]

amigoTosser [AT]   
began trolling    
auditoriumCrucifer [AC]

AT: RUFIO! says that you are the worse type of person!

auditoriumCrucifer [AC]   
blocked    
amigoTosser [AT]

It’s hard losing a friend.


	21. Things We Don't Remember

> nepeta: don’t remember   
  
AC: “No! …you weren’t suppose to turn around, aa!”   
AA: y0u were g0ing t0 take a picture 0f my backside?   
AC: “ac wanted to take a candid shot.”   
AC: “…a MYSTERIOUS girl looks off into the desolate moors…”   
AA: i think the ph0t0 is better this way   
AA: later I think y0u will agree   
AC: “apocaslypeArisen is…the psychic.”

    You decide to gently nudge the conversation towards shipping.   
AC: “It’s a nice night…isn’t it?”   
AA: yes it is   
AC: “So…what does apocaslypseArisen (Aradia Megido) think of cubistTentacles (Equius Zahhak)?”   
AA: he is nice when y0u get past his gruff exteri0r   
AA: he reminds me 0f    
[troll Harrison Ford]   
AA: just a little I mean   
  
aa <3 ct is coming soon to a shipping wall near you!   
  
Wait, weren’t you holding a camera?

> equius: don’t remember

CT: ~> are you sure?   
AA: i havent f0und any   
CT: ~> so there is absolutely no musclebeast art in that temple?   
AA: n0pe   
AA:  I supp0se y0u arent interested in this anym0re   
CT: ~> i am disappointed but also intrigued   
CT: ~> how could ancient trolls with the technology to build a structure of that complexity not decorate it with majestic musclebeasts?   
AA: I d0nt think it was made by tr0lls   
CT: ~> who made it?   
AA: I d0nt kn0w yet 0_0   
CT: ~> do you think you can find out?   
AA: im afraid im s00n g0ing t0 reach my limit   
AA: I need s0me0ne else t0 help me   
CT: ~> have you asked the jade bl00d for help?   
AA: ive t0ld her a little   
AA: unf0rtunetly she is t00 much 0f a g0ssip   
AA: and I think i sh0uld keep this under my hat   
CT: ~> it is a nice hat   
AA: have y0u t0ld nepeta ab0ut this   
CT: ~> no i haven’t   
AA: g00d   
AA: als0 terezi d0esnt have the expertise i need   
AA: n0 0ffense but i need s0me 0ne wh0s an expert in c0ding   
CT: ~> i am not as STRONG in that field as i should be   
CT: ~> i mostly deal in HARD ware   
AA: this is just really c0mplex c0ding   
AA: I w0uld explain but if I c0uld d0 that i w0uldnt need a pr0grammer   
CT: ~> i am not jealous   
CT: ~> however i am worried about you being in cah00ts with a bl00 bl00d   
AA: i never said anything ab0ut a blue bl00d   
CT: ~> oh fucksicles   
AA: d0 y0u remember his name   
CT: ~> do you?   
CT: ~> i hope i didn’t implant the idea into your think pan in the first place   
AA: his name is s0llux capt0r   
CT: ~> i am nervous saying such an improper thing but my psychic instincts tell me he may not be the best person   
AA: my what a thing t0 say ab0ut a highbl00d   
AA: y0u are s0 cute when y0u try and rebel against the machine   
CT: ~> oh no i am not trying such a thing   
CT: ~> i just have some strange feelings sometime   
AA: trust y0ur instincts and n0t the hierarchy   
CT: ~> do you trust mr. captor?   
AA: n0   
AA: thats why im telling y0u ab0ut him

> gamzee: don’t remember

    You’re wandering the halls of MU doing…something…when you witness a girl with big    
 zarbi    
horns say something strange.   


AA: 0h p00   
AA: im g0ing t0 die   
TC:    
reus    
we’reallgonna D I E   
AA: i mean s00n   
TC:    
seul tout   
TC: it’stoo B A D   
AA: and what im d0ing n0w will lead t0 my death   
TC: whatcouldyoudo thatdoesn’t L E A D todeath?   
AA: thats true   
AA: but i d0nt want t0 die   
AA: fr0m what ive heard it hurts a l0t   
TC: sodon’t   
AA: but everything will turn 0ut better if i d0 this   
TC: i U N D E R S T A N D   
TC: yougottoliveyour L I F E asifyoudidn’tknowany B E T T E R   
AA: yes   
AA: y0u have t0 d0 what y0u were g0ing t0 d0   
TC: ihaveto R E M E M B E R that one   
AA: thank y0u gamzee

    You are used to people knowing your name when you don’t know theirs, but somehow it sounds weird on her maroon lips.   
    She takes a deep breath and opens the door to a private room. You hear a voice complain

TA: Psychics c4n never get the time right.

> sollux: remember   


AA: he kn0ws   
TA: D4mnit.   



	22. Pitiful

> karkat: she doesn’t know   


  
    Fasc-eez, you know already that she doesn’t know what you know. You’re contacting her right now!

creepingGunsel [ CG ] began trolling  auditoriumCrucifer [ AC ]

CG: THE EXCREMENT HAS HIT the air circulation device!   
AC: ac quotes cg “Don’t talk to me on trollian!”   
CG: THAT’S NOT IMPORTANT right now.   
CG: MY MOIRAIL IS GETTING into trouble.   
AC: “cg has a moirail?”   
CG: YES.   
AC: “Who was cast...as cg’s morail?”   
CG: YOU KNOW WHO he is.   
AC: “...no.”   
CG: OBVIOUSLY sollux captor.   
AC: “THE ANTAGONIST?”   
CG: OH GOD I FUCKING FORGOT to tell you.   
AC: “All this time...cg forgot this important characterization.”   
AC: “He’s evil!”   
CG: IT’S NOT LIKE YOUR MOIRAIL ISN’T A PIECE OF SHIT, the fascist fascist.   
AC: “Don’t talk about Equius Zahhak that way!”   
AC: “He takes care of ac way better than cg takes care of ta.”   
CG: TECHNICALLY HE’S SUPPOSED TO TAKE CARE OF ME as my senior.   
AC: “He’s...the senior?”   
CG: IN CASE YOU HAVEN’T NOTICED THE HIVELESSNESS AND BAD HYGIENE AND GENERAL NEUROSIS i’m kind of a hot mess.   
AC: “I don’t care how hot you are!”   
AC: “How can I trust you aren’t working with ta?”   
AC: ac asks the viewers “Is this just...a trap?”   
CG: I’M NOT GOING TO POUNCE on you.   
CG: I WANT SOLLUX’S PLANS FOILED JUST AS MUCH as you do.   
AC: “...a traitor.”   
CG: I CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT by you tonight.   
CG: I COUGH UP THE TRUTH, YOU COUGH UP SOME LIES, I REFUTE THEM, AND YOU GET UPSET and pull some fascist bullshit.   
CG: I SHOULD HAVE NEVER FELT SORRY ENOUGH FOR YOU TO HELP YOU OUT in the first place.   
AC: “...you pity me.”   
CG: WELL, yes.   
CG: BUT THIS ISN’T ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP between us.   
CG: THIS IS ABOUT SOLLUX and me.   
AC: “Your relationship...I can’t follow it!”   
AC: “It’s not convincing...as a redrom.”   
AC: “Is cg courting ac to be his auspictice?”   
CG: I DON’T WANT YOU like that.   
CG: I DON’T WANT MY RELATIONSHIP WITH SOLLUX TO FLIP to black.   
AC: “cg...sounds pretty black...when he talks about sollux.”   
CG: IT’S NOT LIKE I’VE NEVER FELT BLACK for him before.   
CG: I THOUGHT WE WOULD BE PLATONIC ENEMIES FOR LIFE BEFORE I EVEN MET HIM in person.   
CG: WHEN I SAW HIM I KNEW WE WOULD BE kismeses.   
CG: I HADN’T EVEN THOUGHT ABOUT CONCUPISCENT RELATIONSHIPS before that point.   
AC: “How could it flip from kismesissitude to moirallegiance?”   
AC: “The quadrants don’t work that way!”   
CG: WELL OURS did.   
CG: I STARTED PITYING HIM when i got to know him better.   
CG: HE IS SO FILLED WITH CRUSHING SELF-LOATHING it is not even funny.   
CG: HE WANTS TO BE EVERYTHING he’s not.   
CG: DO YOU KNOW HE DIDN’T ALWAYS HAVE THAT CREEPY WHITE LOOK he has now?   
CG: HE GOT THAT from someone else.   
AC: “So why didn’t cg flip to flushed?”   
CG: THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN UNREQUITED as well.   
CG: WHEN I THINK OF HIM PLATONICALLY I PITY THE WANNABE, BUT WHEN I THINK OF HIM CONCUSPIENTLY I HATE his smug pygidumtail.   
CG: IT DOESN’T HELP HE’S SUCH a prude.   
CG: HE THINKS NO ONE SHOULD MATE, we should all just be cloned.   
CG: HE ACTUALLY THINKS HE’LL NEVER HAVE TO FEAR THE IMPERIAL DRONE, like he’s going to beat that thing up.   
CG: THE WORST THING is he’s right.   
CG: I WANT TO SQUEEZE A BUCKET out of him.   
CG: OH FUCK, WAS THAT TOO MUCH INFORMATION for you?   
AC: “Wow!...no.”   
AC: “But why is cg crushing tangibleAnnihilation’s ambitions?”   
CG: BECAUSE HIS AMBITIONS ARE STUPID, that’s why!   
CG: WHEN YOUR PLANS LED TO THE DEATH OF YOUR COHORTS, they really suck nook.   
CG: YOU HAVE TO SAVE YOUR MOIRAIL FROM THEMSELVES, that’s how moirallegiance works.   
AC: “cg is...right.”   
AC: “So what is cg’s moirail up to now?”   
CG: MY MOIRAIL IS IN A DUEL with your moirail.   
AC: “!!!”   
AC: “WHY DIDN’T YOU TELL ME THIS BEFORE!”   
CG: I WANTED TO BUT YOU JUST KEPT babbling on.   
AC: “Never mind...where are you...and where are they?”   
CG: OUTSIDE YOUR DOOR and at sollux’s penthive.   
AC: “ac is coming to the rescue!”   
AC: “...wait, ‘outside [my] door’?”   
CG: YOU CAN CALL ME CREEPY LATER, we need to go!

creepingGunsel [ CG ] ceased trolling  auditoriumCrucifer [ AC ]   
  
    After far too long in your opinion, Nepeta rushes out of her hive.

  
AC: “Luckily, my lusus is asleep.”   
AC: “...where’s your compupack?”   
CG: I LEFT IT IN MY HUT with sophie.   
CG: I NEEDED TO LOSE THE WEIGHT so i could carry you.   
AC: “Boxoffice boffo!”   
CG: I’M NOT GOING TO WAIT UP for you.   
CG: HOW MUCH do you weigh?   
AC: “...”   


    This is very sad and silly.

AC: “So...how did you become moirails with Sollux?”   
CG: I REMEMBER...   
CG: ONE NIGHT WE WERE ARGUING OVER SOMETHING, and he grabbed my arms.   
CG: HE PROBABLY JUST MEANT TO PUSH ME BACK SLIGHTLY, BUT INSTEAD he totally trollhandled them.

CG: I SHOWED HIM THE DAMAGE AND YOWLED AT HIM over his clumsiness.   
CG: I EXPECTED SOLLUX TO SAY SOMETHING LIKE “YOU’RE WE4K” OR “YOU BRUIXE LIKE 4N EASTERN FUZAPPLE” but instead...   


CG: HE GAVE ME THE MOST PITIFUL LOOK i have ever seen.   
CG: SO I WILL LOVE HIM TIL THE NIGHT that i die.   
AC: “Good story, but...”   
AC: “It sounds like you were already moirails at that point.”   
AC: “You wouldn’t complain about a kismesis bruising you.”   
CG: HMMM, YOU’RE RIGHT, that’s the wrong story.   
CG: I’LL TELL YOU LATER how it started.

>cut to the no-doubt epic fight scene   
  


  
== >   


TA: You c4n go first you know you did win the coin toss.   
CT: ~> i would have liked to have seen the coin   
TA: 4re you doubting my word I told you?   
CT: ~> no, sir   
CT: ~> i am just an ignorant lowbl00d   
CT: ~> i didn’t even know duels worked this way   
TA: Well they tot4lly do I’m not m4king this up.   
CT: ~> yes, sir   
TA: So 4tt4ck me.   
TA: Unless you’re b4cking out of this duel like 4n honorless cow4rd.   
CT: ~> no, sir   
CT: ~> about the backing out part i mean

> be equius

    Are you sure? This is a very bad time to be Equius. You’re stuck in a duel with an aristocrat just because of one louse-ridden murder. You really shouldn’t talk to anyone who’s even a degree above you.   


    Suddenly, your moirail and her strange green-blooded friend burst in.   
CG: SOLLUX YOU BASTARD huh you look different.   
AC: “Equius...can’t do this...it’s no win...either you die...or he dies and you die...”   
AC: “ct said he wouldn’t confront ta.”   
CT: ~> i said i would wait until i was sure he killed aradia   
CT: ~> i told mr. captor i would grief for aradia’s honor and i must keep my word   
CG: YOU’RE REALLY GOING TO DO this thing?   
TA: He h4s to do this thing.   
CT: ~> you can provide moral support   
TA: Yes do th4t 4fter 4ll duels need witnesses to see it   


AC: “Oh...no...”

    Yes, you must do this thing. This is a matter of STRONG importance. You are glad your moirail is with you. You feel like you can take on this troll with her standing there next to Mr. Vantas.   


    Hell the what, are they kissing?

  



	23. Beginnings

> still be equius   


You are still Equius and your moirail is still having sloppy intercaste makeouts with Karkat Vantas. She’s doing this lewd display in public, in front of a highblood aristocrat no less! This is very unacceptable!

  
CT: ~> nepeta, this is very unacceptable!   
CT: ~> in front of a highbl00d aristocrat no less!   
TA: Yes in front of me ple4se don’t do th4t.   
  


The offending couple stop and turn around. They are embarassed. This is the proper reaction. You plan to give your junior moirail a good...huh, you never noticed how weird her blush is. Ah, it’s probably nothing important.

  
AC: “Oh the climax!”   
CG: FUCK.   
CT: ~> you will do no such thing   
CT: ~> nepeta leijon, explain   
AC: “I was just under a lot of stress...worrying about you...and I started holding Karkat...and one thing led to another!”   
CT: ~> why did you not inform me that you had filled your red quadrant?   
AC: “I hadn’t filled it...until just now!”   
TA: 44hh you sluts!   
CG: WELL, I WAS GOING TO WAIT FOR A MORE ROMANTIC TIME FOR THIS BUT if i’m going to be called a slut by my moirail...   


CG: NEPETA LEIJON, you flighty broad.   
CG: YOU CAN’T DO anything right.   
CG: YOU TRY TO CARRY OUT COMPLEX PROJECTS BUT YOU GET DISTRACTED by every little thing.   
CG: YOU THINK YOU ARE WITTY AND A GREAT INTELLECTUAL but you just come off as pretentious.   
CG: I DON’T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND ANY OF THE MOVIES you watch.   
CG: YOU LIVE IN SOME POINTLESS WORLD OF MAKE-BELIEVE because you can’t deal with the harsh real world.   
CG: YOU NITPICK EVERY LITTLE THING but you can’t see the big picture.   
CG: YOU THINK YOU’RE THE GREATEST DETECTIVE IN TROLLDOM SINCE THE LAST ONE fell off a waterfall chasing fairies.    
CG: BUT YOUR INVESTIGATING CONSISTS OF PLAYING AROUND with dirt and gossip.    
CG: I WOULD HAVE EXPECTED YOU TO HAVE ACCIDENTALLY FALLEN ON YOUR SCISSORS sweeps ago.   
CG: BUT SOMEHOW YOU MANAGED TO SURVIVE SIX SOLAR SWEEPS as of tomorrow.   
CG: I RESPECT YOU for that.   
CG: IT’S HARD HAVING SUCH LOW BLOOD but you’ve made it.   
CG: YOU MAY NOT HAVE SKILLS BUT you have spunk.   
CG: YOU ARE UNHEALTHILY OBSESSED WITH FICTION BUT DESPITE YOURSELF the real world moves you.   
CG: YOU ARE ALWAYS THERE FOR YOUR FRIENDS and your moirail.   
CG: YOUR MOIRAIL IS A FASCIST BUT YOU WOULD DO ANYTHING TO HELP HIM, even if he hated your intestines.   
CG: THAT’S WHAT I THINK of you.   
CG: EVEN YOUR MOST ANNOYING TRAITS, THE ONES THAT MAKE ME FLIP OUT, I STILL love them.   
CG: WHAT I’M TRYING TO SAY is...   
CG: NEPETA LEIJON, I HAVE PITIED YOU ever since i met you.   
CG: IF YOU DON’T SHARE MY FLUSHED FEELINGS, I WILL STAB MYSELF IN THE HEART with my own pliers.   
AC: ac raves “Oh creepingGunsel (Karkat Vantas)...”   


AC: “You had me at ‘Female adult troll has mutation that causes her to receive mating pleasure...’”   
CT: ~> what!   
AC: “It’s a paraphrase of a movie line.”   
AC: “ac has always wanted to say that.”   
CG: YOU AND YOUR MOVIES i love you.   


TA: How touching.   
TA: I m4y hold off vomiting four whole minutes.   
TA: But I h4ve more important things th4n voyeurism.   
TA: Now that I h4ve everyone together...   
TA: …& her...   
TA: ...I’ve got 4 gre4t g4me to discuss.   
CG: I THOUGHT YOU WERE PLAYING a game already.    
CG: YOU AND YOUR EXTREME COVER-UP of you crimes.   
AC: “Oh my god...you killed Aradia Megido!”   
TA: You 4ren’t very observ4nt 4re you?   
TA: So I killed 4r4di4 Megido big whoop.   
TA: We h4d 4 fight & things got he4ted & I might h4ve been too rough.   
TA: I’m 4 fucking musclebr4ined moron who c4n’t h4ndle de4ling with 4nyone ok4y?   
TA: 4s K4N4 would s4y “mist4kes were m4de”.   
CG: SHE’S dead!   
TA: Well not fourever.   
TA: I pl4n to m4ke her 4live 4g4in so it re4lly doesn’t m4tter th4t xe ended up de4d bec4use it won’t l4st.   
CT: ~> but she suffered death   
TA: Fuck th4t it builds ch4r4cter xe’ll be even better th4n befour & you will pr4ise me four the improvement.   
CG: HOW ARE YOU GOING TO BREAK THE LAWS OF NATURE like you broke the laws of ethical behavior?   
CT: ~> will you be constructing some sort of robotic body for her?   
TA: Fuck no robots 4re the p4st & we 4re in the future once we re4ch the future.   
TA: Besides how the hell is th4t suppose to work?   
CT: ~> if it’s not t00 much of an imposition i could...   
TA: I will resurrect her with 4 g4me.   
CG: WHAT, ARE YOU GOING TO CHALLENGE DEATH TO A GAME of bridge?   
TA: Stop being so fucking obtuse 4ll the time K4K4.   
TA: I me4n 4 computer g4me pl4yed by us...   
TA: But this g4me won’t just resurrect one girl...   
TA: This g4me will revolutionize the world...   
TA: So listen to me.   
CG: I’M LISTENING, but this better be good.   


TA: Im4gine 4 world...   


TA: ...where everything is the w4y it’s suppose to be...

  
TA: ...everything in perfect order...   


TA: ...with no corruption or deceit...   


TA: ...no he4rtbre4k...   


TA: ...or betr4y4l.   


TA: 4 world without p4in or illness...   


TA: ...without loss...   


TA: ...and cert4inly no de4th.   


TA: This is the most import4nt mission of our short s4d lives...   


TA: ...we’ll 4ll contribute our skills to this world...   


TA: ...no one in this g4me will be left behind.   


TA: If we c4n im4gine this world it will come into being.   


TA: We c4n close this world & open the next...   
TA: ...if you pl4y this g4me.   


AC: ac raves “What a moving speech!”   
CG: YEAH, DID YOU GET SOMEONE TO WRITE IT for you?   
TA: I got some help from my downst4irs neighbor’s m4tesprit but th4t’s not import4nt.   
TA: I’ve cre4ted 4n immersive simul4tion th4t will ch4nge the world.   
TA: Two te4ms of six pl4yers will compete 4g4inst e4ch other to 4cheive their 4mbitions though I re4lly w4nted only four but 44 s4id no.   
TA: The two te4ms will be c4lled the white team & the black te4m I will be the le4der of the white te4m.   
TA: I w4nt you 4ll to join me four some stupid re4son.   
CT: ~> i shall, highbl00d   
AC: “Equius!”   
AC: “ac isn’t sure she can endorse this game.”   
AC: “After hearing about ta’s oeuvre, this critic can’t help but anticipate disappointment.”   
CG: YOU WON’T GET ME TO PLAY THIS CRAZY GAME either, fascist.   
CT: ~> if both my moirail and the midbl00d are uncomfortable, i don’t think i can sign off on this venture   
TA: D4mn it I need you two...   
TA: Leijon you le4d the bl4ck te4m.   
AC: “ac’s in!”   
CG: WHAT?   
AC: “ac has never gotten the chance to star in anything.”   
AC: “I can do something on my own for once!”   
AC: “Is that okay with you, ct?”   
CT: ~> if the highbl00d says so, i will allow it   
TA: Then it’s settled & done four we don’t need to 4rgue.   
CG: NOT SO fast!   
CG: YOU MAY HAVE CHARMED THESE NAIVE IDIOTS BUT you haven’t fooled me!   
CG: I CAN SEE WHAT WILL HAPPEN AND IT WILL ALL END in tears.   


CG: I PLAN to stop you.   
TA: Is th4t suppose to be 4n IED?   
CG: NO, WRONG, you’re so wrong.   
CG: THIS IS A REMOTE for my compupack.   
CG: I SET MY COMPUTER TO COMPILE A CERTAIN CODE BEFORE I LEFT AND WHEN I PRESS THIS BUTTON it will run.   
TA: You tried to write your own code 4g4in?   
CG: HA, NO, YOU WISH, I TOOK THIS CODE from you.   
CG: YOU THOUGHT YOU WERE SO CLEVER WHEN YOU PUT THAT VIRUS IN THE HIDDEN FOLDER ohfuckdontletk4k4seethis.   
TA: Oh fuck I didn’t w4nt K4K4 to see th4t.   
CG: YES, I STOLE THE ~ath virus.   
CG: AND IF YOU DON’T STOP THIS EVIL PLOT, I WILL EXECUTE the code.   
TA: 4re you re4lly holding me host4ge with 4 code you don’t even underst4nd?   
CG: DO YOU UNDERSTAND this code?   
CG: DOES IT DO SOMETHING really horrible?   
CG: OR MAYBE YOU’RE EMBARRASSED BECAUSE IT DOES NOTHING at all?   
CG: YEAH, THAT’S IT, YOUR DAMN CODE IS JUST A BUNCH OF DIARRHEA that doesn’t make any sense.   
CG: I DON’T THINK YOU’RE AS GREAT A HACKER AS YOU THINK you are.   
TA: Is this 4ll 4bout your petty je4lousy bec4use if it is you xould just de4l with it.   
CG: THIS IS ABOUT STANDING UP against tyranny!   
TA: You 4re so dr4m4tic it’s unsuffer4ble.   
CG: WHO’S THE ONE MAKING THE BIG SPEECHES ABOUT THE BIG MAGIC GAME HE PULLED OUT of his nook?   
TA: I’m not going to ditch my pl4ns just bec4use you h4ve to throw 4 temper t4ntrum.   
CG: IF YOU WON’T BACK DOWN i’ll have to step up.   
TA: This is re4lly imm4ture you c4n’t re4lly be doing this.   
CG: I’M REALLY GOING TO DO IT just you watch!   
TA: You don’t get wh4t you’re doing here!   
CG: I WILL DO IT, YOU’LL JUST HAVE TO DEAL with the consequences.   
CT: ~> sir, i don’t think this is a good idea   
CG: YOU’RE JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE SOLLUX is higher than me.   
CT: ~> actually...   
CG: I’LL GIVE YOU TIL THE COUNT OF FOUR to give up.   
TA: Give up like I’m some crimin4l there’s nothing four me to give up.   
CG: 1...   
AC: “Karkat...I’m scared...”   
CG: 2...   
CT: ~> sir!   
CG: 3...   
TA: This is stupid you 4re stupid!   


CG: 4!   


CG: SOPHIE SCHNUGGLES, no!!!

  



	24. Recap 1

> do a meta ripoff thingy   


  
    “Hello, this is Failure Artist, and I’m conveniently located at a Wawa outside of Richmond on August 21, 2010. Thank you for reading eXperiment Aradia Continuation. (God I hate that name. It gets more annoying every time I say it) You have finished the first arc of the story. You can also call it the first season! I got up to 26 parts! Just a moment, I’ve been handed something. No, even using the AO3 counting it’s just 23 parts. At least the last part is 22. 2+2=4! And this part according to AO3 is 24! Score!

“Enough numerology. The first arc is over. Nepeta solved the mystery of the ghostly email by having other people solve it, and Sollux publicly confessed. Now it’s time to move away from silly matters like brutal murder and onto serious matters like video games. The next arc will answer new questions: how will this session of Sgurb turn out? Will they succeed where their canon counterparts failed? Will Nepeta actually make a good leader? Will Karkat abandon his principles and follow Sollux’s dastardly plans? (Yes he will he lusus ded) Will the Vriska subplot take over the main plot? Will Aradia get some damn screentime?

“I will answer these and more after I take a short break. I’m need to write stories about suicide or gay sex or gay suicides. I need to get a job and stop being a bum. I may just abandon this whole story like I did “Weirdoes in Paradise”. (Why do I keep getting into fandoms that start with Home-?) Keep F5ing, everyone,”

“You probably don’t need this, but here’s a recap. Because we’re all troll Jewish here, the recap counts the days/nights/whatev as starting from sunrise. I also have a list of characters. The order of the bloodswap is totally helter skelter. I started with switching Equius with Sollux, then Nepeta with Karkat, and then I went from there. It makes no fucking sense. Welp,”

“Bye, and I’ll see you sometime this kalpa!”

  
List of Characters:  

Maroon: Aradia Megido, apocasylpseArisen   
Brown: Feferi Peixes, cattleCalmer   
Grey/”Orange”: Nepeta Leijon, auditoriumCrucifer   
Yellow: Equius Zahhak, cubistsTentacles   
Green: Karkat Vantas, creepingGunsel   
Jade: Terezi Pyrope, gregariousClothier   
Teal: Kanaya Maryam, guidelineAuthoress   
Cerulean:  Eridan Ampora , capableAdvisor   
Blue: Sollux Captor, tangibleAnnhilation   
Indigo: Vriska Serket, avengingGrub   
Violet: Tavros Nitram, amigoTosser   
Magenta: Gamzee Makara, turntechCaptain 

Recap:

Day 1   
Sollux and Aradia met up at a private room in MU. Sollux kills Aradia, and freaks out so much that he dies himself. Due to a mysterious code he previously ran, he receives a new life. Feferi witnesses this. To silence her Sollux gives her a false memory via the yet-untried practice of memory hacking. He also wipes everyone’s memories of any trace of Aradia.

Night 1

Near Midnight   
Nepeta wakes up and trolls Equius. They remember that Nepeta was planning on seeing a troll Indiana Jones movie with a friend that night, but can’t remember who the friend was due to the memory wipe. Feferi trolls Nepeta to tell her of her visit to MU. She talks about her romance with Sollux, but she doesn’t say his name. Nepeta walks outside. While she is thinking about her life, Karkat watches her from the shadows.

Later   
Sollux comes back to his hive and stays there for the next few nights, baring any retcon. Feferi trolls him.

Night 2 - Night 3   
Feferi and Sollux strike up a one-sided relationship.

Night 4   
Sometime Earlier   
Aradia’s ghost manages to send out an email to everyone she knows tell them she’s dead. She doesn’t reveal how she died. She sends a special email to Equius telling him she had flushed feelings for him.

Evening   
Feferi talks over trollian to Sollux about their planned meeting for that night. Sollux reminds her that it was her idea for them to met. After talking to him, she receives the email from Aradia. She immediately deletes it.   
Equius receives the email. He trolls Nepeta about this, and she tells him not to worry about it since it’s probably just a prank. Equius does not reveal to her the special content in his email.

Four Hours Later    
Feferi arrives at Sollux’s hive. CA sees her for the first (?) time. He is smitten. She meets with Sollux. She tells him she saw CA outside, and Sollux tells her to ignore him. He gives her Aradia’s musicbox and her socks. Aradia’s lusus wanders in. Feferi tries to commune with the lusus, and to distract her, Sollux kisses her. Feferi interprets this as a confession of red feelings and Sollux plays along. He quickly hurries her out of his hive. Outside the hive, CA confronts her. He grills her about the events of Day 1, and casts suspicions on her memory. Feferi doesn’t trust him.

Night 5   
Sometime Earlier    
Alternia’s Guardian contacts Equius and tells him the location of Aradia’s hive. Equius visits the site and finds it in ruins. He tells Nepeta about this. She is worried that this means Aradia was culled for some crime against the empire. She is afraid Equius will be found guilty by association. Even though he warns her not to go, she decides to investigate the site herself.

Near Morning    
Nepeta goes to the ruined hive, but doesn’t find out much new. Due to poor planing she ends up trapped out in the sunlight.

Day 6   
Nepeta is rescued by Terezi. This is the first time they have met, though Terezi has heard about Nepeta as a strange troll who wears grey. She takes her back to her hive, a ruin reminiscent of Jade and Kanaya’s canon homes. Nepeta meets Vriska and is frightened, since she has a bad reputation. Terezi breaks up their fight and introduces them. Terezi and Vriska outline their plan to regenerate Alternian fashion. The three eat together, and then go to bed.

Night 6   
Evening   
Nepeta wakes up and walks around Terezi’s garden. Karkat watches her, but again Nepeta doesn’t see him. Sometime later Nepeta goes home.

Aftermidnight

Karkat messages Nepeta by remotely turning on her radio and hijacking the airwaves. He tells her he has information about Aradia, but she must first go to a certain intersection. She goes there and is shocked to find out he lives in a makeshift lean-to in an alley. He tells her about Sollux Captor and his plans. He explains how memory works to her, and how easily it can be manipulated. Karkat isn’t sure if he ever met Aradia, but he has a feeling she’s the same person Sollux had been meeting with at MU. Nepeta asks if he knows cubistTentacles and Karkat says yes, making Nepeta wrongly believe that he was the one who told Equius about Aradia’s hive.

After Nepeta leaves, Karkat trolls Sollux about the Aradia mystery. Sollux denies any wrong-doing and says Aradia is just a silly meme. Karkat and Sollux get into a fight and Karkat threatens to kill Sollux and he threatens to kill him first. They both back down.

After this conversation, Aradia’s ghost appears to Sollux for the first time. Sollux asks her about the email. She tells him she didn’t reveal that he murdered her because he needs to be alive to finish the game. Sollux tells her he will do this, and he says he can bring her back to life. Aradia’s ghost leaves him alone. Sollux starts to think about her, and he realizes he has deep flushed feelings for her.

  
Morning    
Nepeta watches a movie on TV which features a subplot about an orange-blooded troll passing as a yellowblood. The movie had been edited to make it seem like the orangeblood troll had been killed by her moirail for her deception. Shocked by this movie, Nepeta trolls her moirail and asks him hypothetically if he would kill his moirail if they had bright red blood. He says yes. Nepeta decides to remain moirails with him despite this revelation.

Night 7

Sometime Earlier   
Alternia’s guardian tells Vriska that Kanaya plans to confess her pale feelings to her. He tells her that Kanaya really doesn’t have those feelings for her. Vriska takes this to mean she is only using her. 

Midnight   
Sollux trolls Kanaya. He asks her again to join him, and again she refuses. They then have an amiable chat. Some time previously, Sollux sent her Aradia’s whip and he asks if she received it. She is confused by gift, and he explains it’s a prank. Kanaya then troll Terezi and asks about Vriska. She wants to met with Vriska in person, and Terezi guesses that Kanaya plans to propose moirallegiance to her. She gives her blessing and relays the message to Vriska. Kanaya reads the Sburb walkthrough she found via her Kindredle, a device capable of receiving text from all over paradox space. In this story’s version of the walkthrough, TT confessed love in one of the entries.

Late Aftermidnight   
Vriska bothers Tavros at MU, and then leaves. Nepeta comes in to talk to him about Aradia, but they end talking about him and Vriska. Eventually they get back on topic. Tavros has met Sollux before, but he doesn’t remember him ever bringing any guest, or Feferi’s visit. Nepeta pushes him on Feferi’s visit and Tavros snaps back. He quickly apologizes for his uncharacteristic outburst. Gamzee pops in to Nepeta’s delight. He tells her he doesn’t really know much about Sollux and then goes off to feed his lusus.

Day 8

Dawn   
Kanaya meets with Vriska outside her new hive. She proposes a moirallegiance between them, and brings up her improper behavior towards Tavros as an example of why Vriska needs meddling and fussing. Vriska sees this as proof that Kanaya plans to push Tavros away from her. She stabs Kanaya in the left eye. Kanaya attempts to use flash paper to escape the fight, but instead throws down a sheet of paper from her report on Vriska. Kanaya stumbles off the cliff, suffering head trauma along with blindness in one eye. Kanaya is rescued by Terezi.

Later   
Vriska goes to MU and stabs Tavros for his role in the “plot”. She soon “forgives” him and sends him a homemade bouquet of musclebeast’s dongs in the hospital (apparently she had one on hand).

Night 8

Evening   
CA wakes up in a hive he “borrowed” from a troll who lives downstairs from Sollux. He goes upstairs and waits by Sollux’s door like he normally does. While posing up a storm, Sollux finally comes out of his apartment. This is the first time they have met in person. Sollux is happy because he just threw Equius off his trail. He blows a modified whistle that causes nausea in psychics and CA vomits. CA claims this is a form of black flirting, and the two argue about their relationship or lack thereof. Sollux gets tired of this and slams the door. CA consults his magic cue ball, which he believes is a direct line to the Mother Grub, who has a position like the Emperor of Japan to the trolls. She tells him to leave Sollux for the moment and move to a different task. On his way out of the building, he meets Vriska, who has been stalking him since he killed one of her black suitors. 

Late Evening   
Nepeta trolls Tavros and finds out he’s in the hospital. He tells her what happened yesterday and she offers her well-wishes. He tells her about Kanaya and suggests she contact her. Nepeta does so, but Kanaya is in a bad mood and treats her brusquely. During the conversation, Kanaya’s head trauma finally manifests itself as vision trouble. Kanaya freaks out and closes her account with trollian. Nepeta tries to contact Equius but only finds two confusing messages from him. She immediately leaves for his hive.   
Along the way she runs into Karkat and they both decide to visit Equius. Equius had been crying because he believed he was the one who killed Aradia, but he cleans up and pretends nothing’s wrong. Karkat and Nepeta tell him what they’ve learned about the Aradia case. He gets increasingly nervous until he finally blurts out that he killed her. Karkat proves that Equius is wrong by pointing out her hive registry must have been falsified. Nepeta brings up that CG is Equius’ mysterious source, but Karkat is just confused. They realize that the white text guy must be some unknown third party.

Later

CA and Vriska cool down after a chase and talk. CA wants an auspistice and asks if Terezi is interested. Vriska says that Terezi ships them black and not ashen, and CA despairs. CA sets Vriska off with a comment about her lusus and she grabs his foot. She tells him she attacked two people last night and threatens to saw off his foot. Fortunately, she is distracted by FLARPing.

CA meets Feferi again and tries to warn her about Sollux. She doesn’t believe him. He goes to the hive of a yellowblood drug dealer and roughs him up before killing him. Feferi, on an errand from Sollux to get anti-strength supplements, witnesses this. She challenges CA to a fight, but CA absconds rather than hurt her. 

  
And even more later   
Alternia’s Guardian (using the alias Big Brother) trolls Vriska in her hive, despite the lack of outside access. She accuses him of misiling her. He says she just twisted what he said in her mind. He tells her to look deeper and figure out the situation herself. Vriska looks at the page she got from Kanaya and realizes that Kanaya secretly has flushed feelings for her. At first she is happy about this, but then she becomes confused by these feelings and freaks out. When she calms down, Big Brother tells her she will briefly met with Tavros tomorrow at MU. Vriska tries to deny that he can tell exactly what she will do, but finally says she doesn’t care what happens.

Night 9

Aftermidnight   
Tavros is told in a debriefing that he was permanently crippled by the attack and will never swim again. He is released from the hospital and goes back to his hive. He changes his hair and jacket to pink before leaving for MU. When he goes to Gamzee’s office, his friend is non-plussed by his recovery. He just tells Tavros to go back to work. Tavros cracks and his alter RUFIO! comes out. He beats up Gamzee, and then goes on to rip off Vriska’s left arm. 

Day 10   
RUFIO! rampages.

Night 10

Sometime   
RUFIO! continues his rampage. News spreads. Equius trolls Nepeta to tell her the bad news. While describing the incident he gets so excited his computer explodes. When he gets back on, Nepeta says she can help Tavros, but Equius tells her to stay away. RUFIO! leaves a threatening message for Nepeta, and she blocks him.   
Meanwhile, Terezi trolls Karkat and asks him to explain Tavros’ psychology. Karkat diagnost him as having disassociate identity disorder. Vriska hijacks the conversation, but Terezi logs onto AG’s account so she can continue her conversation. It devolves into a conversation about their confusing relationship. After Terezi leaves, Karkat admits he has some feelings for her.

Night 11

Evening

Equius finds out for certain that Sollux killed Aradia. He challenges him to a duel before he can think better of it.

  
Midnight   
Karkat trolls Nepeta to tell her the horrible news. He reveals that Sollux is his senior moirail, a fact he had forgotten to mention earlier. Nepeta is angry at him for his accidental deception, and distrusts him. Karkat tell that he used to have black feelings for Sollux, but he went pale for him, though he suggests he still feels some sexual tension with him. He explains he’s just trying to look out for Sollux’s best interests, even if they contradict what Sollux wants. Nepeta accepts this. Karkat finally manages to tell her about the duel. They decide to stop it. He carries her to Sollux’s hive for convenience. Along the way he tells her a story about how Sollux once accidentally hurt him, and how that made Karkat pity him more.

When they get there, the duel is stalled due to Equius’ unwillingness to hurt a highblood. His moirail and Sollux’s moirail try to convince Equius to back down but his honor won’t let him. The duel is on. Equius is about to attack when he notices that Nepeta and Karkat are making out. 

Their moirails are offended, so Karkat decides to officially propose to Nepeta. She accepts. Sollux breaks up the love fest to announce his game. He confesses to accidental killing Aradia, but claims he can bring her back to life. He then makes a stirring speech about the power of the game. He explains that there will be two teams, white and black, and he will be the leader of the white team. He asks them to join in. Karkat and Nepeta decline, so Equius declines too. To win them over, Sollux offers leadership of the black team to Nepeta. She accepts with her senior moirail’s permission. Karkat is still not convinced, and threatens to unleash the ~ath virus if Sollux doesn’t knock it off. This doesn’t work, and Karkat’s compupack explodes, taking his lusus with it.  

“Thank you for reading this far. And Steve Hernedez, sorry for everything.” 

[](https://docs.google.com/document/pub?id=1_T939PEPZZt8w_2DqGKRfxooiSmVgd4d4lGv12tzCpg)   


   



	25. An Apology

It is highly likely I will not finish this fanfic. I'm quitting the world of fanfiction. For the next year I'll be off the internet because, umm, well, the Ghana village where I'm serving as a Peace Corp member doesn't have internet access. (yeah, that's the ticket!)

 

It isn't because I have writer's block. Far from it. I have tons of ideas that I was itching to use. Here is a list of all the lands and titles:

 

White Team:

Sollux Captor, Mage of Void

Land of ???

Aradia Megido, Maid of Mind

Land of Clay and Idols

Karkat Vantas, Rogue of Hope

Land of Rock Candy and Rivers

Tavros Nitram, Page of Rage

Land of Ice and Vanila

Vriska Serket, Thief of Breath

Land of Toys and Tempest

Terezi Pyrope, Witch of Space

Land of Hives and Frogs

 

Black Team:

Nepeta Leijon, Heir of Blood

Land of Corn Syrup and Cushions

Kanaya Maryam, Seer of Doom

Land of Confusion and Invisible Touch

Feferi Peixes, Bride of Hearts

Land of Dance and Disease

Eridan Ampora, Prince of Life

Land of Red String and Fate

Gamzee Makara, Bard of Time

Land of Tides and Sand

Equius Zahhak, Knight of Light

Land of Line and Color

 

Sorry things didn't work out. And sorry, Acey, that I didn't tell you earlier.


	26. Continuation 1

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is a summary of what I planned to do, in lieu of me actually continuing that trainwreck.

eXperiment Aradia Continuation continuation

Chapter First

The story begins where it left off: Karkat has just ran the ~ath virus, killing his lusus and dooming the rest. Tearfully, he decides to play Sgrub if it will bring back his Sophie. CG: “You maniac!” Sollux gloats. He is the maniac. Skip to the future, where he is the depressiac.

(The Cat’s in the Cradle to Grave) Karkat laments the loss of his lusus, and takes the most reasonable course of action: he drags the corpse all the way to Terezi’s.

Nepeta comes home to find her lusus dead. AC: “Oh Mr. Grant!” The walking crab panicked and fell down the stairs. Seeing the orange blood, she wonders if it could change her blood color. She tastes it and...bluh!

Terezi is seen putting sheets on a mirror: an ancient troll Jewish custom. The virgin mother grub died of the same thing its canon version died of. Karkat arrives at Terezi’s, carrying a big dead cat. Terezi isn’t pleased. Karkat finally decides to enter her hive. He immediately trips over an ottoman, Dick Van Dyke style. “Ottomans are A mistake”. Terezi quickly finds out that Karkat is now matesprites with Nepeta. CG: “If the situation was reversed Nepeta would never have figured it out”. Terezi steals an eyeball from Karkat’s lusus: “If stealing an eyeball from the lusus of your sorta-boyfriend is wrong, you don’t want to be right.” Terezi and Karkat get to work on a temporary shelter called the Suckhut.

Vriska is hunting her lusus. She sees him on the horizon and she gets out the Electra-spear. Unfortunately, it’s a two-handed weapon. She tries to maneuver herself, getting into a few lewd positions. “You can do this! You once managed to equip twelve hats at once!” Just as the Old Goat reaches the shore, Sollux jumps up from out of nowhere and shoots the lusus at point-blank range with his Xbow, leaving Vriska confused and covered in blood. “Mission Accomplished”. Apparently he did this to get Vriska on his side. It doesn’t make much sense and it confuses the timeline.

Skip to the future, when the game is already started (the previous occurred the night before the game). Kanaya is by the scales, grumbling about something Sollux did. She has set up an elaborate Goldbergian device to free her lusus without tipping the scale. It fails miserable. Her lusus turns to balut.

We go to Sollux. He throws a temper tantrum and hits the wall, causing a pipe to fall on his lusus, which then falls on Aradia’s lusus. At first, he is so upset about this it looks like he’ll die again, but he gets over it.

Sollux and Aradia:

(White Moves First) Aradia is Sollux’s server, and she goes about this role in the most infuriatingly mysterious way possible. She destroys Sollux’s bathroom (per tradition). The manic Sollux is actually happy about this destruction, until she threatens his expensive recupercoon. She prototypes Aurthor against his wishes. The ghost dad proceeds to serve him ghost milk. She takes her own dead lusus to her destroyed hive via her weird Sadako-like powers. Sollux’s totem is an egg that resembles a cuckoo’s egg (ooh, symbolism!). He’s suppose to destroy it by not doing anything to it. He isn’t happy about this. Before he enters the medium, he asks Aradia if she ever enjoyed spending time with him, an oblique way of asking her if she loved him. She gives a mysterious answer. Sollux enters his land and without letting the reader see it, declares it lame.

(Pygmalion 2: Galtea’s Revenge) Aradia enters the Medium, activating Sollux’s program. Everyone now thinks Aradia is a blueblood and has always been a blueblood. Nepeta finally remembers troll Harrison Ford. Sollux meets Aradia in the Land of Clay and Idols, where she reigns as the Maid of Mind. She is busy marveling at her new existence. He talks with her as if they were matesprites, which in everybody’s collective memory they are. He lets it slip that he manipulated her memory as well. Aradia is pissed off. She psychically attacks him. And then comes the Technically-a-piece-of-software Kiss. The whole reason for this dumb story is over, but the story continues.

Nepeta and Kanaya:

(Aoi) We find out why Kanaya was so pissed in “The Cats in the Cradle to Grave”: Sollux promised her leadership of the Black Team. As a joking apology, he gives her a bouquet of white lilies. She throws them to the ground and they bounce up and fall into a base behind her. This is the first hint of her special powers. (But when and how did he send her the bouquet? Did he give her the code? Did she alchemize her own insulting gift?)

Kanaya at first is cold to Nepeta, but she warms up to her and starts to see her as an ally against Sollux. They talk about the troll Tom Clancy novels and their failure to become a movie franchise. Kanaya travels her Land, the Genesis-inspired Land of Confusion and Invisible Touch, with Nepeta. Despite her near-blindness, she manages to navigate the swamp while Nepeta keeps falling in the water.

Kanaya now has the chance to talk with her lusus, who bears a striking resemblance to Vice-President Spiro Agnew. Spiro explains her blindness-created special power: she can navigate the world and hit anything, as long as she doesn’t give a fuck. Then he rips off a few alterations

Snowman/Black Queen speaks to Kanaya. Luckily, Kanaya always has pen and paper with her. She asks Snowman what she should call her, and Snowman says “You shall call me Queen, and I shall call you Prime Minister”. Kanaya is smitten.

Kanaya raises an army of penguin consorts. “They say if you believe in miracles, your feelings will fly. But you don’t fly.”

(Nepeta does a thing) Nepeta hears the voice of Spades Slick. “It’s finally happened! You’ve finally gone psychic! Now the Empire will like you!” She’s disappointed to find it’s just some guy from the future. “SS: What part of one-way communication don’t you get?”

Nepeta enters the Land of Cushions and Corn Syrup. The red sea looks and smells like syrup, but when she tastes it: “TRANSUBSTANTIATION!”

Nepeta’s cushion fort is thrown open by Spade Slick. “This is just like your Alternian Film Blancs!” STAB “He just stabbed you, just like your Alternian Film Blancs!” But they bond anyway.

Sollux puts Nepeta in charge of the memos to distract her from actual leadering. She takes to the task with great zeal. She pretends to be a newspaperwoman and writes elaborate style guides. She ends up wasting her time criticizing herself. Somehow, she still manages to be a leader simply because everyone hates Sollux.

Karkat and Sollux:  
Sollux enters Karkat’s Land, the Land of Rock Candy and Rivers. Karkat is pushing a raft. Sollux asks him how much the ferry is, and Karkat tells him the price is information on Sollux/Aradia. Sollux refuses and says he’d rather ford the river. Karkat tells him he died fording the river. Sollux is not amused. He does gloat a little about his new romance.

Karkat gets caught up in a sidequest in his Land: forming a partisan movement with his consorts. “KITTYCATS!” (as in Red Dawn). Sollux is bored. The sidequest ends with Karkat tearfully shooting a portrait with a stun gun. Sollux picks up the portrait and is disturbed to find the picture is of him. (a reference to the Soviet movie, Come and See)

Possibly, we might see how Sollux met Karkat. He was throwing away his ottoman when it hit Karkat.

In Aradia’s land, there is a statue for each player of their idol. Karkat’s is Sollux.

Feferi and Eridan:

Sollux tells Feferi off for reasons even he doesn’t understand. She is so angry she hits her cow clock, forever fixing it the time Sollux dumped her. And then it falls on her lusus. To bring the Ms. Haversham parallel closer, she later alchemizes troll Princess Diana’s wedding dress. She is the Bride of Hearts, after all.

Eridan is outside Tavros’ hive, using his powers to get into his mind. rufio!Tavros is busy being rebellious by “taking a butcher at the bristols” on his mermaid posters. Like usual, Eridan can get into Tavros’ mind easy. Tavros’ mind is represented as an office. The reception desk is manned by Tavros in drag. female!receptionist!Tavros lets Eridan in and spins around in her chair. Inside the office is Rufio. He is not so friendly. “mentalToss!”

Eridan is now trolled by Feferi. She tells him she wants to join him. He thinks she’s asking him out and is sorely disappointed. He becomes her server.

Eridan goes back to his disused hive. He admires his troll Aeon Flux posters and thinks how horrible it would be to live in a world where the Aeon Flux movie sucked. He finds himself admiring Aeon Flux more now that he’s an adolescent. Possible flashback here. Or not.

His server is Gamzee. Since Eridan’s lusus is long gone (where is she?) Gamzee prototypes a frog. Eridan complains about this and Gamzee blows up at him. (Get it, frogs, huh?)

Feferi’s land is the Land of Dance and Disease. She is sucked into the sidequests (rhythm games), but Eridan tries to talk her out of it. He thinks the missions aren’t worth doing. She objects to his “kid-bitzing” (CA: “No I’m not! What’s kid-bitzing?”) He says he has experience taking care of people. She snaps back: “That was just a moo-phemism for killing them!”

Despite their difficulties, they met up and share a romantic dance. The moment is ruined when Feferi gets a minor injury. Eridan takes out his gun and Feferi faints. It turns out he just meant to use the medical effect on her. Feferi wakes up in Derse. The Horrorterrors tell her what was really going on, and Feferi laughs and says she should have trusted him. They tell her she shouldn’t.

(Crimson Prophesy) Possibly this part goes here, since it shows this isn’t Feferi’s first encounter with the Horrorterrors. We go back to the prologue. Sollux has just murdered Aradia, died, and been reborn. Feferi stands gap-mouthed at the doorway. He takes out one of Karkat’s stun guns (they both steal from each other) and shoots her. Then in a parody of the start of Indigo Prophesy, he cleans up the room. With his trollgrit he capchalogues Aradia’s body. He considers killing Feferi, but he decides his murder quota was full for the day. While she’s passed out, Gamzee’s lusus makes contact with her. Much is revealed to her, with the knowledge that she’ll forget it all.

Feferi wakes up in Eridan’s arms. He’s trying to take her back to her hive and Tavros won’t allow it, since it’s generally a bad idea to let strangers take your unconscious friends. Eridan manipulates her into saying she knows him. Tavros relents. Sollux watches with the intent to wipe that memory.

Tavros and Vriska:  
rufio!Tavros isn’t pleased that Vriska is his server player and he’s Karkat’s server (he admits Tavros is allergic to Karkat). He goes along for the sake of The Game. His Land of Vanilla and Ice is, as Vriska complains, “both a water level and an ice level”. He alchemizes a rocket boat, but it hits a rock. Cue laugh track.

Clubs Deuce tries to talk to Tavros, but Rufio! tosses him out. Club Deuce is left even more confused.

Tavros tries to play his level, but he’s stymied by his alter ego’s stupidity. He goes over to Vriska’s Land of Toys and Tempest.

It’s the Maid of Mind who heals Tavros. In a very self-indulgent scene, she appears to him as a red-haired mermaid in a clam shell, a la Birth of Venus. She gently kisses the awestuck Tavros on forehead. Tavros faints. Rufio is gone, at least for the time being. Vriska thanks Aradia before stabbing her a little.

Tavros wakes up in Prospit. Sollux barges into his room. He tries to go over to Tavros but Aradia stops him. They reenact the scene from my fanfic “Touched”. When Sollux does get to Tavros, he finds him drawing strange things in a notebook. (TA: “Is that a giant nook dressed up as a judge?”) But Tavros has also written down some useful strategies and tactics.

Sollux then asks where the hell are they. Aradia explains dreamselves and tells Sollux he used to have a Derse dreamself. Strangely enough, she isn’t in dreamform herself.

Tavros wakes up with Vriska on top of him. She’s disappointed he’s awake. He gets up and realizes his zipper is down. What a silly mistake!

Equius and Gamzee:

(Sacrament) Equius carefully and nervously explains what a server player is to Gamzee. Despite the awkwardness of such an improper arrangement, he believes things will go smoothly.

Skip to later: CT: “You...Donkey!”

We see what lead Equius to do that. Gamzee is really hard to work with. He’s easily distracted and hard to understand (CT: “This Gamzery book is worthless!” Throws on floor, it psionic bounces to the bookshelf behind him). He quotes the lyrics to “Technologie” in full for no apparent reason. He starts humming while he’s stalling, and then he starts making a song out of his humming. He tempts Equius with his unorthodox religion (and in other ways as well: “You’re a good troll! Why must your every encounter with highbloods be so horrifyingly erotic!”). Worse of all, his lusus starts dying.

The Great Glub is imminent. Gamzee offers up his sound-proof recording studio. Equius asks how many billions it holds. Gamzee is ashamed, and Equius is ashamed that he’s ashamed. But Equius manages to send Gamzee into the Medium even as the Great Glub tears him apart. Gamzee becomes the Bard of Time.

Sollux ponders whether to save his romantic rival. Aradia uses a toilet to convince him.

When Equius crawls into the Land of Line and Color, he’s almost dead. Gamzee is there admiring the double rainbow in the sky. He turns to Equius and says he like him because he’s not a suck-up. This compliment causes Equius to pass out. Gamzee turns to his double-protyped sprite (Gl’bgolyb and assassinated!Gamzee). Moisprite replies “Ia ia ia motherfucker”.

Terezi and Nepeta:  
Nepeta ends up as her romantic rival’s server. They argue passive-aggressively until Terezi coughs up some blood. Nepeta finds out from Equius that he “accidentally Gl’bgolyb, the Rift’s Carbuncle,  
Emissary to the Horrorterrors, Speaker of the Vast Glub, and Gamzee’s  
mom” (pastAC: “All of them?” futureAC: “God, that was stupid”). Terezi and Nepeta panic but they get through it.

Later, Terezi visits Nepeta to thank her for saving her life. She hears Hearts Boxcar voice and is overjoyed (“It’s finally happened! You’ve finally gone insane! Now psychology will like you!”). Hearts Boxcar tells her to “KISS THAT GIRL”. Terezi is confused because she thought the voice of her libido would be a soprano or a mezzo-soprano. Hearts Boxcar continues pushing her. Terezi decides she’d rather visit Karkat, leading HB to bemoan “No! I am not a hobosexual!. (Though I can’t figure out how he knew where Terezi was going. Actually, maybe Karkat was with them)

Terezi’s land is the Land of Frogs and Hives, prompting Sollux to say: “Are you allergic to frogs? Cause you sure have a lot of hives!”

Terezi alchemizes an armor based on Madonna’s pointy-breast-corset-thingy. Nepeta is annoyed. Annoyed and horny.

Next: they play the game


End file.
